#alpydk

Right, you had fallen asleep in Chase's apartment last night.

Robert Chase.

Dr. Robert Chase.

To be precise.

The public emergency consultation at the hospital. You had been assigned to him by chance. A diagnosis, a prescription. You had been on your way home.

The rain.

The splashing free rain. So that you didn't have to wait in the rain for the taxi, he accompanied you home, which after a great conversation turned into his apartment.

Neither of you really knew what you were doing.

You didn't do much other than talk and watch a film.

But still.

You fell asleep in his apartment.

You kissed.

You want to see him again.

And the blue of his eyes is almost like a promise, that he wants the same.

It is not only a wish, a desire of yours only.

You had noticed it by the soft touch and taste of his lips yesterday and how he held you in his arms. Not forcing to anything. Tight, but slow with enough space to find your own pace of your deep blue harmony.

"Thank you," you take the cup of coffee, "I hope I didn't sleep long enough to disturb your daily routine."

"No. Don't worry," Chase smiles and shakes his head with the blonde hair and laughs. You can't figure out why he's smiling. In reality, it's your suddenly frightened expression that he finds cute.

You're just really worried that you might end up disturbing him and getting him into trouble.

Doctors' working hours are a little different to yours.

Speaking of which...

Your eyes wander to the clock.

"Do you have to go to the hospital, or do you have a day off today?"

"No, I'm on duty again today. But a little later. The thing is...", coral sea eyes gliding also to the clock, "...I'd really like to take you home, but I won't have enough time. I'm sorry."

He really is.

You can tell. You can tell by the look on his face and most of the expression of a basket full of puppies in his Australian eyes. You can tell by his shoulders. You can tell by just everything.

Chase is true.

Yesterday there were two brief moments he was not. For whatever reasons ever, some strange mask on, that did not fit him in the slightest.

You almost giggle about how sweet this man is, that could look like a pup and the next second so seriously and hard as a rock. Or more like the cold stethoscope, he uses.

"That is no problem at all," you smile at him and wave your hand soothingly, "don't feel bad about it, I wouldn't expect you to do this anyway. But..."

Your eyes automatically shine a little brighter, as if they want to shine into Chase's world, your lips beam their way into his heart with their gentle expression.

"I would like to accompany you on the way to work. I have to go in that direction anyway and from there I can just take the bus. Then we have the opportunity to chat a little. That would be nice. If you don't mind," you smirk at him. Talking to him, smiling at him it was...easy.

Instinctive or more like a reflex?

He is sweet when he grins back. Really his lips are even more beautiful with a smile on them.

His eyes...a strange certain sadness in it. Like watery aquamarine eyes can. But when grinning, then there were splashing waves under a summer sky with a bright sun of his blonde hair.

You want him to smile back at you. See him smile. Because it belongs to him. His eyes seem to have deserved it. And you want to be the reason.

Robert’s lips rise slightly, giving you a smirk back. His head with the golden sunny hair, happily lays a little to the side.

"I won't mind", do you hear his tempting voice roaring sonorous from his throat, "Because I would also really like that."

There it is again, the warmth coming from Chase. Not only because, he comes closer to with these words – no – because he comes closer to your heart with his smiling lips.

Those lips...how much you wish you could just kiss them now. No holding back, no hesitation. Just pressing them together.

The lips? Or more...

"So we can have a coffee without ruffle and I'll get dressed in the meantime," stated Robert and he makes his way past yourself in the direction of his bedroom.

You wouldn't mind if he does not.

You look after him. The movement of his legs, how his butt is moving in the flowing sweatpants and most his skin. His delectable delicate skin showing bear above the waistband.

“You know I’ve seen that,” his voice calls back into the room with an amused undertone.

You flinch immediately, your cheeks red and your hands embarrassedly thrown in front of your eyes.

“That was intentional!” you call after him, after finding your sass again and trying not to make an ass out of yourself.

…

The drive – a constant talk about everything and anything.

Not tense or strange like you’ve experienced with other guys, even though Dr. Robert Chase isn’t the type who desperately has to fill silence with pointless small talk. You noticed that very quickly and that’s why it’s so pleasant. You talk casually because it’s fun.

It eases your throat, your heart and your brain.

From your health issues, from your anxiety, stress, life, work, just everything. In this moment all of it is not there, only you and Chase.

And again and again you find yourself studying his profile in silence while he concentrates on the road.

Young…with somehow too much experience burned into it.

Life? Working hours? Too many of both?

You hope to learn more about it in the future. To see the man behind the doctor and the white lab coat.

What was behind the blue of the Pacific and the blond?

…

“The drive to work has never gone by so quickly,” you hear Robert’s voice with a pleased timbre.

“I hope you didn’t run a stop sign,” come you up to jest, which even makes him laugh briefly.

“Without an ambulance, I couldn’t really talk my way out of it being an emergency, could I?”

“You trying to use your hospital ID like an officer’s badge? That is something I would like to see.”

“Yes? Is that so? Or do you want to see me in jail? Behind bars and in hand cuffs?”

That comment. A grin rolls over your lips and you try to hide the smile, which you only manage with difficulty. You try hard not to picture it... to imagine more.

The doctor doesn't miss the play on your face and the unsuppressed giggle, of course, and he laughs a little too. Apparently, he hadn't thought the comment through before saying it out loud.

"That would have been the kind of nonsense that House would have tried to pull."

"Hm?" you tilt your head questioningly, but then you've reached the entrance door and Chase stops.

"Well, nice of you to accompany me to work. It was nice, indeed."

The big Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital in front of you. You feel like you don't want to let him go. As if the building would swallow him and his warmth. Leaving you cold and alone.

A dumb feeling.

Dumb nonsense for a man knowing for 24 hours.

But it is true. And you can't change it.

And Chase doesn't seem to be in a hurry either.

He was in a certain hurry to get to work in time, but he still stands close to you, very close.

His presence shields you from the wind. A comfy feeling despite the farewell.

"And I can call you later, so that we can arrange when to meet again?”

Dr. Chase opens his eyes to you.

Those round two shimmering orbs. Piercing into your soul.

Is he doing this on purpose? Does he know what his gaze is doing? Or is he not even aware of its effect?

The slight - really just a hint- of uncertainty makes him a hundred times more convincing and attractive to you than any smug, self-assured saying that he knows he will see you again.

Chase is gentle.

Stable and reassuring. But gentle.

It is the things you are searching for. Searching without even knowing. You did not know, not before today, not before him. Now you do.

The blond doctor with a masculinity that gives you security and stability but doesn't force you to do anything. Not loud and showing off. In a way that is withdrawn, searching for yourself with a kind of sadness and melancholy in the eyes that you only know from paintings in museums. And statues carved in stone that look longingly out to sea.

Had they lost something at sea? Or are they craving for something? Longing?

"Yes, that would make me very happy," your own voice sounds soft in response.

You can't take your eyes off his, which immediately shimmer a little less longingly at your words. Much more hopeful and joyful at this moment.

"Better sooner than later," you wink and you realize that neither of you really knows when to say goodbye.

The hospital entrance behind Chase. His work.

"I'm losing a good doctor, but I'd rather see you privately than as a patient again."

His hand lingering near yours, his body, his face, his lips so near to your own. Closer, but uncertain.

A blink of an eye and you both lean closer, bridging the last few centimeters.

I kiss on your cheek.

Well exactly between your mouth and your cheek.

Somewhere in between.

But exactly not your mouth.

Leaning back, you smile anyway.

Your eyes catching some movements behind the glass front of the hospital’s entrance.

"Have a nice day. See you soon!", you wave your good byes, running to the bus station to catch the waiting bus for your line.

…

"And who was that?"

Of course, Chase is bombarded with questions immediately, after the sliding door had just closed behind him and he hadn't even gotten past the reception.

He doesn't even make it to his office.

It feels to him as if his colleagues or employees were watching and waiting with their noses pressed against the window.

At least Park was.

Adams' voice sounds as casual as possible, with a file in her hand that her eyes and attention are already focused on. Nevertheless, her attention is still enough to join in the gossip while she and Park walks beside Chase and don't let him off the hook.

"A new conquest, I assume. From what it looked like."

"It's not a conquest," Chase hisses. He likes Adams's wording even less than the curiosity of his two team members. He had suspected that as soon as he was within sight of the hospital, someone curious would see something that could lead to unnecessary gossip.

Since House was no longer there, this tendency to stick one's nose into other people's affairs had only slightly diminished.

House's "reign of terror" had probably conditioned them. Or people were just like that and he had been right all along.

"But they looked familiar to me," Park insists, much to Chase's annoyance, "weren't they here yesterday for the emergency consultation?"

Silence.

Robert is currently running through his blond head whether he should act like the boss or distract the two of them. Neither would work because they had known each other too long and too well for that.

"And since they were wearing the same thing as yesterday, it's clear that you were together last night," concludes Dr. Park continues to explain eagerly while she tries to keep up with Robert's and Adam's long strides with hasty, quick steps. But she manages to do it without any problem. She's already had practice in this. Just like in proving her comprehension skills.

"Since when have you been playing private detective with our patients?" Chase asks her, surprised by her extreme powers of observation. But not really. Otherwise, she wouldn't have been on House's team, nor his. The fact that she used it for this was strange, even annoying at the moment.

"The fact that they were wearing the same clothes as yesterday, just means that they weren’t at home and had the opportunity to change. And yes, they were with me. But they fell asleep alone on the couch. Maybe you should rethink the way you draw conclusions, you super sleuth," Robert explains to his younger colleague without being able to suppress a touch of malice and sarcasm.

"Oh yes...", now Dr. Adams' interest is fully aroused and the brunette raises her gaze from the file and looks at her blonde colleague from the side, "...since when is it your style to take patients home with you? And more importantly: since when is it your style to take someone home and then not sleep with them? I can hardly believe that."

"Okay one thing," the voice with the Australian accent was calm but authoritative at the same time as Robert stopped and looked intently at his team, "and then this topic is over once and for all. Private life is no longer a public plaything over morning coffee like it was with House. If the person wants to talk about something, then they start it themselves. Understood, Park?"

Chase's penetrating look and a quick point at Chi make her fall silent, completely intimidated. The next victim of this was Dr. Jessica Adams.

"And they are not a patient anymore. Came once for an emergency check and this is it. And even if it's none of your business - absolutely none of your business - we didn't sleep with another. And if we see each other again and how I deal with this, I will not discuss further with you." Chase takes the chance to reply from the pretty brunette by walking quickly into his office. He's not really known for getting angry or being sensitive. The two doctors look at each other with big, meaningful and confused eyes.

...

A few dates later. A few talks about your work, about him. Questions about him playing the violin and music. Careful questions about family relationships and your life so far. Ex-boyfriends. His ex-wife. His father. His mother. His sister. Your family.

You feel connected to him, feel safe and warm in his presence, but something is bothering you.

Something seems to be separating you, because Chase is still taking his time. You kissed, you touched, but you weren't in his bedroom yet. And you cannot stop wondering why that is, because you actually thought it would happen on your first visit to his apartment. A sudden change of heart seemed to have made him want to take things slow.

But now arriving in his in his apartment, after another date, you ask yourself:

How much longer?

And why?

Why the waiting and hesitation?

In some way Chase doesn't seem so sure to you either, because both of you - you and him - are standing in the hallway of his apartment as if you were waiting for something. And neither of you really know what for.

"Well...should I grab you something to drink?"

"No, I'm fine. Thank you. But you still owe me a session of this violin of yours," a wry smile on your lips tries to encourage the doctor.

“I am not quite sure if the neighbours like my violin play so very much, at least at this hour of the night, I mean,” he smirks at you apologetically and runs his hand through his blond hair, “but we can watch a movie, if you want to.”

“I don’t know…” Your voice suddenly becomes a murmuring whisper. Not rather sure why, but you are sure that you want to end this strange, nervous standing around in his apartment. To do that, you instinctively move closer to him, the tips of your feet bumping against his own shoes while your hands gently touch his chest. Lightly tug on his T-shirt.

Hopefully and passionately, you open your eyes to him and look into the blue rims of his eyes, which peek out from under the blond. Darker than usual - burning into you like an oil fire on the high seas.

“…what do you want to do, Chase?”, whispering your voice promising nothing and everything all at once.

You just want to dive and fly.

He whispers a curse over his lips. Or is it a prayer? Possibly both.

Unable to make out, you are surprised by Robert's lips, which resemble a prayer on yours. His mouth presses hotly against yours and your heart seems to skip a beat before it starts racing.

The organ pumps blood quickly through your body, your veins pulsating, pulsating like your heart, your passion and your desire for Chase himself. His hand, which quickly slid down your neck, to your cheek and finally behind your head to bury itself in hair, reveals that he feels the same way.

Firm, hot body of the young Australian doctor pressing demanding against yours. Wild blond strains of hair on your forehand, his hand on your hips. Like this, Chase is pushing you against the bedroom door with his very own body.

Your heart is pounding hard against your chest, mixing with the sound of the blood rushing in your ears, which goes hand in hand with the increasing sound of your and Chase's breathing.

In between, the sound of your lips clinging eagerly to each other.

Robert's hands grab your hips, slide under them and with a short hop you wrap your legs around him while he lifts you up. The bedroom door is pushed open partly by his leg, partly by your colliding bodies.

Without further ado, Chase carries you to his bed.

Finally.

No more holding back.

Your head is spinning. From your own feelings, your body and his. All because of Chase. To feel him so close was something else and an exciting adventure. And adventure that made your pulse race and your heart threaten to explode.

Could that be healthy?

Wasn't that contrary to the doctor's instructions?

Firmly but not roughly, he presses your loving body onto his mattress. Immediately he is on top of you again, not allowing any coldness or distance between you. Not allowing the kisses and touches to stop. He knows exactly when to grab you firmly, lead you and when to be gentle and tender.

The stroke of his right hand is soft, finding its way from your shoulder, down to your arm, your side, your hip, over your thigh and knee. Lifting his fingers in one smooth motion to his mouth. Wide eyes of yours watch as the index and middle fingers of his right hand slide into his mouth, only to slowly pull them out again, wet, while his other hand pulls on the clothes on your hip. You take a sharp breath.

Heart just skipping a beat again. Breathless.

Pulse and blood racing.

...

It was exactly as you had imagined it.

At the same time, it was completely different.

Real.

Just him.

Just Chase.

A Tidal Wave washing you completely away, but not leaving you with nothing, but leaving you with everything. You are both lying next to each other in his bed.

Chests rising high and falling low from the exertion. Deep breaths as the witness of the wonderful physical activity of passion.

Sweat that shines on his skin and underneath you can see the muscles flexing, all well lit by the moonlight from his bedroom window. The moonlight that bathed everything in a special light, monochrome and silver, and Robert's skin was so beautiful to look at and invited you to dream.

But your head is in the here and now. Not a dream. Your ears hear his deep breathing and you ask yourself with a smile whether his violin would really have been louder than what you two did instead here.

"I can free up a compartment for you in my closet and clear out a drawer. And make a little space in the bathroom for your things if you want to stay here over night more often in the future," suggested Chase still with a breathless voice.

But it is not a simple suggestion. It is a statement of what he is planning to do. With certainty.

It is not a drawer and a place for your clothes. It is an invitation into his life.

An invitation that you will gladly accept.

You didn’t really notice the voice in the great confusion of the hospital. But Chase's attention is suddenly completely torn away from you and you follow his completely surprised gaze to the beautiful face of a woman which was surrounded by a nun’s veil.

"Robert..."

Her voice soft. Loving. Nice.

"Are you not feeling well? Are you having a relapse?"

"No," she shakes her head and that calming, gentle smile continues on her lips, "I'm not here for myself. I'm here as a chaperone for one of our postulants. She suddenly felt dizzy, everything went black and she fainted. She says she's fine now, but she hit the ground pretty hard and I want to rule out a concussion. Above all, you don't just faint like that. You know that. She should be examined and not dismissed the whole thing and think it's just a small scratch."

"You're absolutely right. If you want, I can take over and look at her right away until the CT colleagues are ready.”

“Could you do that? That would be wonderful. But of course, we don’t want to push ahead if you’re busy doing something else.” Now her friendly eyes are suddenly on you.

The whole time you’ve been watching the familiar conversation between the two of them.

That’s exactly it.

Familiar.

Very much so.

“If you don’t mind…” Chase turns to you and waits a moment.

“Never. Please go on. Don’t waste your thoughts on me when there is a patient! We can fill out the rest of the paperwork in the meantime.”

And before you know it, Robert’s white doctor’s coat is waving away again, on duty to help a new patient.

Leaving you with…Moira Parker.

The nun.

So that was her.

Chase had told you about her. When it comes to his past, he is completely honest with you and never had a reason to keep secrets. Even if he did, his colleagues had enough gossip in that regard.

The last details of what the nurses would need for the bureaucratic administrative act were entered on the form and finally the waiting began.

As you sit next to Moira, you have to admit that Chase may have understated how extremely important she had been to him. At least judging by his reaction when he saw her. You have to admit, she really is beautiful. But her eyes and face are meaningless, it was her presence that made her beautiful.

Her proximity is pleasant and uncomfortable for you at the same time.

"Robert is your boyfriend?" Moira asks with an innocent smile. Not curious, not nitpicking, more... as if she is happy for the both of you.

"Yes," a smile crawls onto your lips as you nod back in confirmation.

"And he mentioned you before, so I know that you two have a history. Now I have a face and a voice to this history,” you add to save her the tension and embarrassment of trying to explain how they know each other.

“Oh…”

“It is a nice face with a friendly voice,” you soothe the young nun with a tender expression on your face, which she immediately returns.

“I am very glad Robert found someone that he loves. I really mean that. He deserves this, but life is not always eager to give us willingly and easily what we deserve and desire.”

You receive a sincere smile from her, but it doesn’t help much.

Her lively words and nice face don’t lighten the dull feeling in your chest that makes you slump.

“At least you think so…” you murmur, staring at the floor with your head hanging.

“Didn’t he tell you that he loves you?” the blonde immediately concludes correctly, but doesn’t change her calm tone.

"No," you can only shake your head and unfortunately cannot hide your sadness and disappointment.

Hearing this and talking about it made you really aware of it. Secretly you're waiting for it. After all, you have been together for quite a while now. There have been so many appropriate moments and you often thought that he would say it now...but nothing.

You know that you love Chase. You are sure of that. If many things in your life were unclear at times, you had no doubt about that.

You love him.

But what is making him gnaw at his feelings for you for so long?

"To protect a stirring heart is kinda new, but a wise decision."

"It is okay," you raise your voice as your head again, "we are in no hurry and when he is ready, he will tell me. We are happy the way things are. A few words won't change that. He should feel comfortable and not forced to do anything."

"It seems to me that he is taking too much time with the wrong person. Or rather, with the right one," the blonde nun smiles at you and her openness was as strange as it was easy to talk to her, "but if you can wait, then it can't be long now. You can tell that he loves you.”

“You see me for the first time, how would you come to say this?”

“It’s the way he talks to you and looks at you, that’s enough for me to recognize it…”

A confident, gentle smile graced Moira’s face, which only sees a bright future.

…

“She’s now in the CT so that we can rule out subdural bleeding,” Chase informs the nun after examining her protégé.

“You probably want to discuss the medical details, as an outsider, this isn’t meant for my ears,” you stand up and reach for your coat.

“You don’t have to go, there’s not much left for me to do at this point. The colleagues will do the rest,” Chase interjects with a surprised face as you prepare to leave.

“Take your time. You probably have a lot to talk about that doesn’t concern this examination. Now that you've met again,” a knowing smile of yours is directed in Robert’s direction.

“Is that really ok for you?”

“Of course.”

A good bye kiss from you assures him again. “Bye. We will see us later”

You face the nun again to say goodbye to her “It was nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.”

…

Chased talks about the postulant, all checked vitals and that on the first sight everything seemed ok. He had treated the wound again and now the CT scan was to check the skull for any further damage. But at first there seemed to be nothing unusual or worrying. But everything should be ruled out before the patient is sent home.

“Are you happy?” asks Chase after all that, not as a doctor. “At your monastic life?”

“I am,” Moira nods and looks at him reassuringly. “And I don’t know if I have the right to say that. But I'm really glad that you're in a new relationship that makes you happy."

"Yes, I've had a few setbacks," Robert answers half-jokingly, grimacing a little.

"In the end, everyone can only do what feels right for them. I'm really glad that you didn't give up on love. In the end, it brought you to someone who truly loves you and wants to give you what you deserve."

A confused look from Australian waters caught in two orbs hits the nun.

"How do you know that? You don't know them."

"That is right. But how they interact with you, there I see only love."

"You seem very sure about that," the doctor murmurs, less convinced by her statement.

How can you recognize love from the outside?

"You're not?"

"Yes..." a sigh escapes his throat before Chase adjusts his posture and nods confidently, "yes I'm sure about them. It's different. From the beginning. Completely different from the times before."

"Then why don't you tell them that you love them?" Moira wants to know quietly.

Chase blinks at the nun in surprise for a moment before he sighs in annoyance and his posture collapses again and a slight shadow pass over his face. A brief silence reigns between the two. But neither of them intends to break it. Moira waits for Robert's answer and he thinks about what words to say. Make another person understand what is going on inside him. Without misunderstanding him.

"Because the next person I tell that I love them, will be the person I'm going to marry. And that means the last person I'll ever tell that I love them again and from then on, the only one forever."

"And do you want to get married again?"

"That's it: I don't know," sighs Chase with displeasure and a hint of desperation in his voice. This is exactly his dilemma.

"Because of your ex-wife?" Moira the nun wasn't really asking a question, but a statement, to which the blonde doctor just nodded.

They had talked about a lot and she knows his problems like no one else, that was clear to Chase. That's why he spoke to the blonde about the topic without beating around the bush.

His failed marriage to Cameron worries him, as does his failed relationship with Moira. One woman after another had decided against him and Robert no longer knows whether a future as a husband with children was even meant for him. He couldn't bear to hope again, to imagine a future and to fail.

"I don't know if married life is meant for me and if I should give it another try. All I know is that if I tell someone again that I love them, then I want to be with that person forever. A shared future. But before that, I want to be one hundred percent sure that we both feel the same, want the same thing and that this won't suddenly change. I can't invest feelings and so much energy in a relationship that will leave me alone and burned out."

A brief feeling of guilt is reflected on the young nun's face. After Cameron, she had hurt Chase the most. Not on purpose. But again, his love had been rejected and remained unrequited. Not unrequited, but insufficient. He really asks himself: Is something wrong with him in general or does he just always do something, failing at a certain point to break it?

"Nothing in life is one hundred percent certain. You have to catch your wave and go for it, but if you're afraid of it, you'll just be standing on the beach. Or you will never surf again like at Kirra Point. Never finding your clear blue departure. I mean...aren't you in the water already? Aren't you in a relationship? And aren’t they with you, adoring and respecting you even though after all this time you still haven't said that you love them? Without pressuring you? But taking a clear stand by your side?"

"Yes, but still...I don't want to hurt either of us. I also have to first realize whether I still want to after everything that happened. I don't want to promise love or marriage to anyone if I'm not absolutely sure I can keep that promise. And if I know that I can take that step with them. Then I can tell them," Chase clarified and nodded to himself again. 'The next person I tell that I love them, will be the person I'm going to marry. And with that, the last person I will ever tell again that I love them and from then on, the only one for ever', he really means what he said.

"I'm sure you already know the answer. You carry it very consciously in your heart. For whatever reason, you feel like you have to delay it in your head. But there is no logic in love, Robert. Stop overthinking it all and do what feels right for you and what your heart has been telling you all along."

The answer in his heart.

Chase grumbles a little at Moira's answer.

She was right.

Actually, he felt exactly what he wanted and what he wanted to say

...

"Can we talk? I think I owe you an explanation."

The very next day after you met the nun at the hospital, Chase approaches you with an... unfamiliar expression on his face.

Your bodies close, sitting next to each other on his couch. But with him looking like that, it seems like something keeps you apart.

“I probably kept you at a distance unnecessarily, I’m sorry about that. I should have talked about how we imagine the future earlier in this relationship. Only… I was afraid that there would be no future in the end. And that would mean I would have lost someone I love again. And then I would have to start over again with someone else? I don’t want that! But I don’t know how much I can give you either…”

A heavy sigh escapes his chest and he avoids your gaze.

“I don’t know how much of the man you deserve is left in me. And it’s not your job to fix something that was broken before. I should have just spoken to you clearly from the start. About our wishes and ideas. That wasn't fair to you. I should know better to talk about things and not hide what bothers me. That weightings everything. It's just...every time so far when I thought it is the right thing, it wasn't for the other person. I didn't want this to happen again."

"Chase...", you take his hand, lay it softly in yours.

Robert raises his head and finally gives you the look of his eyes again. The look of the saddest oceans in the world.

"You haven't lost me. And you won't," you assure him. Your feelings twitching and twirling about all the things he said.

"It is not like that, that I haven't told you that I love you yet, because I don't. I know that I love you. I haven't told you yet, because I need to be sure that you love me too. But also, what it means. I want to be clear beforehand about what I want and then whether we want the same thing. Marriage, a future, a life together, a family. If love means the same thing and whether I want it that way. Because you are the person with whom I can imagine all of that. And before I tell you that, I want to be sure even if I want to take the next step. And before that, you should have the chance to think about if you want all of this with me. You don't have to decide now. Take your time. I just want to know what you see in us and in me. I just can't imagine a future that doesn't exist. I don't want to lose you and myself to myself. Otherwise, I'll lose hope completely at some point."

The desperation, the hope, all the strong and true feelings of Chase.

Bare laid open for you.

No hiding, no joking, no disillusionment.

He shares all his fears and worries with you, but more importantly, his dreams and his life.

You reach out for him, in gentle love. Your hand on his cheek, so soft tender and caring. A soft caress, never ever replaced.

"When I look into your eyes, into your soul, I see a tender heart, hiding a turbulent past. Troubled with sorrows, overshadowing kindness but never can erase a warm good natured, kind-hearted spirit. If you’re willing to give me this heart, I couldn’t imagine anything better than keeping it and loving it forever.”

Chase stating his clear blue notes with you and you will show that you will play them with him in rhythm for your lives together.

…

Crashing waves at the rocks of the shore. Cliffs and the light scent of the air mixed with the freshness of the clear ocean water itself.

The inviting blue sea. Every time the same, every time different. Tempting with its familiar promises and yet unknown and unfathomable.

The freshness of the water and the intoxicating, warm breeze of the sea air above you. Kissing your hair along with the summer sun.

Under your feet the warming sand of the beach, soft and gliding all around your toes. While your ears still tickles the sound of the waves, cry of the seagulls and the voices of the people at the beach.

But your eyes are much more focused on Chase. Chase in front of you and the water behind him.

When you look into his blues eyes you realize how much they carry the essence of this place: the sound of thundering waves, the scent of the ocean with flaming, bursting foamy spume, parting blue waves of the clear green blue sea.

You feel the wedding ring around your ring finger. Ever since Chase put it on you on your wedding day, you can't believe what a wonderful feeling this little round thing gives you around your finger.

Whenever you touch the ring, you think of Chase. You feel him, feel his closeness. When you are apart during the day and you stroke the metal, you inevitably smile because it is as if you are touching his hand. Yes, you always catch yourself turning the ring around, just like now.

So completely happy that it is real and unreal at the same time.

Chase's blond hair, flying in the wind, dances before your eyes as you watch his every move.

Listening to his voice, the laughter and the care as he shows your children his surfboard on the beach and gives instructions as if they were professionals and not completely beyond the scope of small children.

Your face with a smile that you have never seen before. Never knew. Just like Chase beams as he plays with his children on the beach and keeps looking in your direction, blowing you a kiss with his lips and eyes that you fall in love with again and again.

As you watch your husband like this, you suddenly get a strange feeling and you notice someone else looking in his direction.

A heavily gray mottled older man, with a cane, an unkempt stubbly beard and sunglasses stands in the colourful crowd at the beach and looks contentedly nodding in Robert's direction.

You follow his gaze clearly to rule out any confusion.

“Honey…do you know that guy?” you ask Chase.

“Hm?” he raises his blond head.

A limp in the crowd.

“Over there...oh,” your finger points to nowhere and there's no one else looking over at you.

“I must have imagined it...”

“You seemed so thoughtful earlier, are you all right?” Robert puts an arm around you, pulls you gently into his protective, safe embrace and kisses your forehead.

“Being with you is like being awake in a dream. But it is different. It is real. No dream, no illusion.”

Before your lips meet in a kiss, you look deep into eyes of Chase once more.

Your blue destination forevermore.

🌊💙🌊💙🌊💙🌊💙🌊💙🌊

All songs: #0 #1 #2 #3

Chase has now even given you a key to his apartment so that he doesn't have to wake you up in the morning if he has to go to work early. Since he sometimes doesn't know exactly when he'll be home, you could just go to his apartment and start cooking to surprise him with a meal after a hard day.

You found your own deep blue harmony.

…

A smile adorns your lips as your feet carry you to Robert's apartment. Your mouth already shows the anticipation of seeing him, but especially because of something you're carrying in your bag.

A little gift for Chase.

It's nothing special and especially nothing valuable in the sense of expensive. But you're sure - or hope very much - that the surgeon will appreciate it. A collection of all your conversations about music, what you two like and what makes you think of him.

That's why you're a little more excited than usual to see him today. Even though he texted you that he's a little late and that you should just use the key to go to his apartment alone already.

…

A smile of joy arrives in you as you hear the bell ring. In a split second you jump to your feet to run to the door. Did Robert forget his key?

It doesn't matter what it is, the main thing is that it's him.

What you didn't expect, however, is the woman in front of his apartment door. Your feet force you to stop before you accidently jump into her arms and your smile freezes on your face before disappearing as if erased.

"Oh..." is all that escapes your mouth.

 “Excuse me…”, she checks the number on the door and peaks uncertainly behind you into the apartment, “…is Chase here?”

“Um…no…he…he is not,” you stutter and still have to look at the woman with the long, slightly blonde dyed hair.

Who is she?

“But he’s on his way,” muttering to yourself, somewhat absentmindedly.

“Have you two arranged to meet up?” you ask and you both continue to stare at each other, somewhat confused.

“Not exactly. I’m Allison Cameron, maybe I should have started with that. I’m sorry. I…”

“Cameron…”, your brain cells are not working as quickly as your eyes inevitably get a little bigger, “…like his ex wife Cameron?”

“So you’ve heard of me,” she pulls a face, a little embarrassed.

The stony silence that now prevails could be cut in half with a knife. There is a certain spot in your chest that feels strange when looking into the face of Robert's ex wife. You never thought you would ever meet her. Meeting exes was always strange. But ex-spouses, that is a new experience for you. Also new is the experience of this feeling, the feeling of your stomach and your heart getting knotted at the same time.

A thousand questions race through your head at the same time:

Why is she here?

Do they have a lot to do with each other?

Does he still like her?

Was that...jealousy?

"I'm in town for a medical lecture. That's why I wanted to pay him a visit while I'm in New Jersey for a change," Cameron breaks the silence.

"He should be here soon," you answer her and don't move an inch from the door. You don't make room to enter the apartment. Almost instinctively, your body and all your thoughts go on the defensive and you don't even know why.

Chase never spoke badly about his ex-wife. Just that their marriage was falling apart and could have ended better. He never badmouthed her in front of you, but knowing that someone had hurt him automatically made you feel resentful. Without you being able to do anything about it.

“Do you two live together?”

This question aiming at you not a curious tone, but simply a logical inquiry that Allison is asking to understand exactly who you are.

“No…no, not that.”

“Do you two have a date that I’m interrupting?”

“Yes, we wanted to see each other and meet up here.”

Allison senses the strange exchange and rejection that you want to convey and she takes a step back as she says:

“Maybe…I should go.”

“Yes, maybe you should.”

Your voice sounds unusually firm, arms crossed in front of your chest, you stand like a wall in the doorway to make a statement.

Until…until this wall, when it sees Cameron, realizes and feels that it has no right to defend anything and chase anyone away.

“No…maybe I should go,” comes from your lips, perplexed, and you walk backwards into the apartment to reach for your jacket, eyes frightened by yourself. Moving as quickly as possible.

You don't like the way you're behaving, it's childish and you don't know the woman in front of you, you have no right to be like that. Even if you already realized that their breakup wasn't a nice one, you don’t have the right to be rude to her because of it.

Who are you? She's known Robert longer than you. In the end, you're the intruder here, not her.

"You don't have to go. If I scare Robert off his date, it certainly won't help my reputation as his ex-wife."

Allison speaks to you very decently and seems to want to make this awkward situation somehow normal. At least she tries.

And what do you do? You're mean to her. Dismissive. It's not your place. You don't know her. She's certainly a nice woman and you're just jumping on her because of your feelings for Chase. You don't want to be like that. She doesn't deserve that. Even if she is his ex-wife and has certainly hurt him, maybe they both have a good relationship and you are making an idiot out of yourself and Robert is angry with you because you weren't nice to her. And there were always two sides. You know that the problems didn't just come from one person. That they were multi-layered. Everyone makes mistakes. She once cared for him like you do now…maybe she still does today.

A thousand thoughts from your own voice race through your head and you don't know what to do. Only one is the loudest and it says: Go now before you make a big mistake and break something.

"No...I...I have to go anyway and can't wait any longer," you stutter a little in a hurry and grab your bag and then push past Cameron as quickly as possible.

"Um..." you pause for a moment, "...can you please give him this from me when you see him. Thank you."

You press the present for him into Cameron's hand and then practically run down the stairs.

The former Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital’s doctor looks after you, surprised by this encounter.

She then slowly lowers her gaze to the object you just handed her.

It's a mix CD.

Cameron sees how a cover has been designed and, on the back, track by track has been neatly listed. All the hints and titles...Allison doesn't know what is between you and Chase, but she knows that this was done with effort and a lot of love and a lot of thought for the other person.

She looks up and her eyes are lost in thought, looking at the spot from the stairwell where you disappeared.

...

"Cameron?!", Robert's mouth escapes in disbelief as he stands in front of his ex-wife a few meters from his apartment block. Surprise was also written all over his face.

"You probably didn't expect me either," she smiles, discreetly amused at the face he pulled, before putting on a slightly apologetic one.

 “What are you doing here?”

“I’m in town for a professional training lecture. And since I still have a few hours free before my flight back to kith and kin, I thought I’d stop by.”

“That’s a very nice surprise of you, but I actually already have plans.”

"Yes, unfortunately I have bad news for you in that regard," Cameron's apologetic face deepened, "it may be that my appearance scared them away. So please let me buy you a coffee, that's the least I can do after I scared them away. Although believe me, they were hardly scared away."

Chase's face again fell into absolute confusion, which made him look dumbfounded.

"Your hair, you let it grow a bit again. The last time I saw you it was ultrashort..."

...

They were the typical conversations:

What are you doing?

What has changed?

They could talk about Princeton-Plainsboro or about work itself.

But the more the superficial stuff was dealt with, the more the questions turned to private life after a break. People ask about private things, which often made it questionable whether it was any of your ex's business. Would it be rude not to ask? Was it rude and curious to ask?

"And..." it is Cameron who starts the topic, since nothing had changed in that regard with her at Chicago since their last meeting, "are you two in a relationship?"

"We see each other for a while now."

"Sounds not very committing."

Instead of an answer Robert takes a deep breath, opens his lips to reply, but his lips decide to take a sip of his coffee and look serious.

What does Cameron want to hear from him? Chase is very well aware, that she knows him too well for him to be able to escape her and her questions.

"They really seem to like you."

"And how do you want to judge that?" he can't keep quiet and can't hide a little angry disbelief.

"It would be too hard to explain it to you."

“Please go on and try,” Robert murmurs with as much sarcasm as curiosity in his voice.

“You know, it makes a big difference how people behave, whether you observe them or not. You learn the most  about their intentions about you, from seeing how they behave when you are not there. Whether their behavior stays the same or changes. They stood they ground as someone new in your life, ready to protect you if needed. But also realizing, to give your past a space and you the chance to defend yourself, because you are not helpless in need of their kind of defend. They acted like that without you being there, without your probably ever knowing,” his ex-wife and ex-colleague tries to describe the encounter and the meaning, but it is difficult. Words are at an end with feelings, you could sense the intentions of a person close to them and in their eyes and Cameron had that.

“Did they say anything about me?” Chase asks maybe a little bit too quickly.

“No. Believe me just when I say, you can see that they care for you.”

“I do too.”

“Then why aren’t you together?” she asks further, not letting the subject go.

Nervousness, resentment.

What exactly is brewing in Chase?

A lot of it when Cameron asks so vehemently about his relationship.

“Because I want to be sure before I fully commit to the next relationship. I just don’t feel like wasting a lot of time again if we don’t want the same thing in the end. I don’t have time for a relationship that goes nowhere. I just don’t want that anymore. For my next relationship I want to be sure that we are on the same terms from the start. I think you can understand that.”

Robert’s explanation is factual and calm, but there is a certain bitterness in his voice.

He would never want to miss the good times of his marriage with Cameron. Despite how it ended. The good times were worth it. But sometimes the Australian doctor isn’t sure whether Allison feels the same way deep down and whether she wouldn't secretly trade the time with him for something else.

It had left Chase with a few problems. Maybe more than he wants to admit. But they had been there before. Through his childhood. His father, his mother.

Now he wants things to go right in his life. In every aspect.

For himself.

And for you.

No heart should be hurt.

Yes, Robert is a little afraid for his heart. But also, for yours.

Because in the end, he has been every single time the wrong thing, for the person, he thought to be the right for him.

"Why aren't you sure yet? You can talk about what you both want. I mean, you can tell that you care about each other," Cameron says calmly and logically but persistently, as she is known.

"Cameron, no offense. But I don't really want to talk to you about the subject."

His voice and face become a little more dismissive than Chase had intended.

"Good. I have to go to the airport anyway,” his former wife shrugs, “but I’m supposed to give you this from them.”

…

Soon Chase overcame his doubts and your mutual visits as partners were not just limited to your apartments, but you also often visited your boyfriend at the hospital.

His friends became yours; you get to know almost the whole staff of the hospital.

Very much of course Park, Adams and Foreman. They were always good for an old embarrassing story. And even more so rumors.

In the city you also met Chris Taub with his baby girls a few times.

You tried to get to known to his world, but also give him a space out of it. Like he did for you. The hospital and medicine are not everything.

To lie in bed with Chase, just to cuddle, see him breathe and sleep in peace, to prep a meal together, to laugh when you two ruin it sometimes to then order pizza and watch a movie together. Music sessions, showering sessions together, weekend trips to the sea and him talking about surfing.

That was also it. Your very own deep blue notes.

…

But now Chase is on duty and his white lab coat flutters in the draft of the opening door as he steps into the examination room.

“I’m sorry you had to wait, but a nurse called the colleague for another emergency. So I’ll take a quick look at your file, or you can just tell me…”

Stethoscope around the neck, which is wrapped around the collar of the white doctor’s coat. The ID card pinned on.

Dr. Robert Chase

Princeton Plainsboro Hospital.

Pens in the pockets of the coat.

Always so professional.

But his professional expression slips away when he sees you sitting on the examination table, with a wide grin on your beautiful lips.

“What are you doing here?”

“Medical emergency. My boyfriend overworked the last few days. So, I suspect a chronic fatigue syndrome and I have chronic frustration syndrome."

You try to counteract his reserved and still slightly confused expression by hopping off the exam table and walking towards him, your hands already searching for his attention.

"So...you are ok?" Chase asks to clarify. A slight giggle escapes your throat. You ask yourself what you should notice more, how sweet he is or how stupid.

"I'm fantastic, Chase. But I would feel better if you had some time for me. For you. You've hardly been out of the hospital in the last few days."

Your hand caresses the soft skin of his cheek. Warm and lovely.

His endless eyes looking from your hand up to your eyes. You already drowning in them. Never finding the shore again.

It was always the same when Dr. Robert Chase looks into your eyes: endless deep blue.

Oblivion for the surrounding of you

You and him. The rest does not matter.

Everything always mattered to you. In your head, to your body. But when being with him, it was different. The calm ocean of Robert’s soul had swallowed you completely.

But you were swimming and breathing underneath the ever blue water.

“Sorry, flu epidemic. Despite being head of diagnostics, I had to do a few double shifts because a lot of the colleagues were absent.”

“I’m just sorry for you. I don’t want you to overwork yourself,” you whisper to him and your lips brush against his temple.

Blond hair with the scent of his shampoo tickling your nose. The scent of Chase himself, almost on your tongue. Your chest already pressing warm against him and the feeling of him so close is easy to describe:

Wonderful.

“So just to understand correctly, there is no patient I have to take over here?” Robert points uncertainly to the door again just to be absolutely sure. “How did you-?”

“Maybe the nurses like me or you. Whatever it is. They didn’t mind me visiting you,” you shrug your shoulders and grin at him afterwards.

His body is so warm and smells so wonderful. The scent of his presence. You sigh softly. Chase’s face is now so close to you that his breath brushes your lips. His body is also closer to yours. But then it is no longer just his breath that brushed against your lips, no, his warm lips finally wrap around your mouth as you lean completely towards him for a kiss.

The doctor kisses your soft lips deeply. Only the moment counts and kissing him was enough for you at the moment. You just want to feel his mouth more and more, to be closer to him and to teach him intensely with your lips how valuable he is, how much you enjoy his closeness.

His fingers find the base of your neck and stroke it gently and while they dance over your collarbone, you gently guide them further down and open the buttons of your top with your other hand.

You gently pull back briefly so as not to overwhelm him.

"What if someone comes in?" Chase whispers uncertainly and frantically, still breathless from your kiss. But he doesn't move an inch away from you.

“You are entitled to a lunch break, especially with all the double shifts. And it’s your business if you spend your lunch break cuddling around with me a little. And how far your appetite goes…well, that depends on you. I am only here to serve.”

The lips if his pressing against each other, before Chase bites a little bit into his lower lip. Your eyes assess his every move.

“Or you can examine me very, very, very thoroughly. After all, this is a hospital, isn’t it? Don’t I have a right to that?”

You push your pressed bodies back to reach the door and turn the latch on the door lock.

“Problem solved.”

“It’s not the regulations to lock the examination room during treatment,” the doctor replies, and you don’t really know if he’s really afraid of being caught, or just wants to be a smartass.

“Why? Does Foreman want to burst in during an examination for a sudden visit to the patient? I would find that extremely irregular and against all patient rights. So, the door remains closed. Wish from your patient based on their rights."

"Yes. Noticed and done," he nods in whispering obeying voice and his lips find their way back to yours, while you guide him to the examination table. Then you both land on top of it.

For a moment, what seems like an eternity to you, Robert Chase does nothing. At least nothing more than to look at you.

His body is lying on yours, but his strong arms are resting on the stretcher next to your face. He seems to care whether his weight was too heavy for the not-so-comfortable surface. To prove him wrong, you wrap your legs around him.

His face is close to yours, his blond hair falls smoothly forward, but there is still a clear distance between you so that Chase can look at you closely. Your seductive lips, the sweet nose, your cheekbones and the lovely shape of your face with all the details. He looks at you, he doesn’t care that you saw exactly how he looks at you, you can see that exactly. Just like you only enjoy him. His face. His closeness.

Your Robert Chase.

You are grateful to be with him, every touch of his skin, his lips are beautiful and unique.

Chase lowered his head by now - his nose, his love making mouth tickle against your cheek, over to your neck.

The brushing of his skin against yours sends electrifying impulses through it again. Robert's lips now kissing their way down your neck to the hollow between your neck and collarbone, along your shoulders.

Although you try to breathe calmly, calm your heartbeat and not seem quite so excited, you can't completely prevent it. The more kisses Chase spreads on your skin, the hotter you get. If you could give this man even half as much back, you would be happy. But that's not what it's about with you. You, him, fixing someone, helping someone. No, you two just are. Supporting. A team. Together.

You feel the whispered kiss on your skin, as always, a light tenderness with which he shows gratitude, affection and much more.

But they certainly don't stay still there, but find their way back to your lips.

His hands are with you completely automatically and instinctively. Strong caring arms press you to him.

His hands glide gently but still noticeably intensely down the supple lines of your stature. Slowly, very very slowly, agonizingly slowly and so full of pleasure. From the very first second, his lips press longingly and yearningly against yours.

When you feel Chase coming closer, kissing him like that, your pulse quickens. You can feel the warmth of his body.

As the kiss becomes more and more intense, he embrace your waist. At first his hands lay there gently, then they grip more firmly, pulling you closer to him, then just noticeably lingering there. You simply enjoy being with him like this, being touched by him like this.

For the moment, you decide to just enjoy it. You bury your hand in his tousled hair, stroke it gently and just let him do what he wants.

...