Sometimes Jude thinks everything is normal, that he’s all right and that nothing is amiss. Every time he thought this, his mind screams at him, reminding him that everything was a mistake, that he wasn’t supposed to be living his life in such a way.

It was the truth, and it made him sick to his stomach. 

When alone with his thoughts, he think about the life he could’ve had, the normal life that was taken away from him. It was all taken to him so quickly, and sometimes Jude thinks it was all a dream. But when he awakens to a unnatural hunger clawing at his very being, he knew that the horror he’d suffered was very real. 

At least he had Alvin with him, because he seriously didn’t think he could’ve kept himself grounded if not for him. The two days he had locked himself in his apartment, a hunger that he’d never felt before plaguing him, he had been so scared. He was a logical person, and there had been no logical reason for him to find the food he’d enjoyed previously repulsive, no reason for his eye to look the way it did as he craved for an unknown something.

Holding himself up in his apartment until he had answers was his only option, the more he tried to ignore the stranger hunger, the worse it became. His mind clouded over with a desire so strong that it was all he could think about: eat, eat, eat. Despite how much he wanted to keep himself together, some part of is mind kept telling him that he had turned into something monstrous, because the hunger he felt wasn’t normal.

The feeling seemed to heighten his senses, because he could smell that someone had entered his apartment, and their mere presence had cause his mind to going into a tailspin. He didn’t recall what happened after he heared a voice addressing him, but he did remember waking up to the taste of something pleasant. When he noticed that the stranger’s arm was bleeding, a very clear bite mark on it, Jude quickly figured out what the taste in his mouth was. 

When told what he needed to satiate the hunger that he plagued him so, Jude knew he had become a monster, the same monsters he had only heard about on the TV. After being told what he needed to do to live, Jude didn’t want to be alone, so he begged a complete stranger to stay with him, and had thing been right with the world he would’ve thought himself crazy for doing so. He was given an odd look by the stranger, but in the end he stayed with him.

Alvin would come and go as he pleased, and Jude never questioned it since he felt it was the older man’s business. Sometimes Alvin would return with a large amount of coffee and ‘meat’, and despite being told that he needed to eat in order to keep himself from going out of control, he was still very reluctant to do so. Even if had knew he was a monster, he didn’t accept it, and Jude knew the moment he consumed the flesh of another, what humanity he had left would be no more. 

It always seemed to irk Alvin whenever he brought up the human part of him, the real him, but he never said anything about it. It was about a month before Jude could bring himself to leave his apartment, and even if he was happen to see his friends back at college, he knew things would be different. To keep himself busy, Jude took up a part time job at the cafe Alvin always brought coffee from, and he found that juggling school and work took his mind off how screwed up things were. 

At the very least, he found that ghouls weren’t all the ruthless killers the media made them out to be; there were actually a few that seemed to be against attacking humans, and lived fairly ‘normal’ lives. For instance, his co-worker Ludger just wanted to help his brother pay for their living expenses, as well as save a bit so he could go to culinary school. Ludger was a nice guy, but even if he wanted to confide in him about how much he hated is situation, he couldn’t.

Even if they had only been half ghouls, the two of them were completely different. This was driven home when Jude slipped up once in his hunger stricken state, had asked Ludger how he could bare living such an existence. His co-worker had gently set down the cup of coffee in his hands, and with a strained smile told him something that had struck Jude to the core.

‘Because I don’t have a choice but to. I was born a monster, unlike you who was made one.’

He never brought up the subject with Ludger again. 

During the months he was adjusting to his abnormal life, Jude couldn’t help but begin to really notice Alvin. He found himself beginning to slowly fall for the man that had saved him from himself, and Jude had to take the time to figure out if that was truly what he wanted. He didn’t want to fall for Alvin because he had helped him out, he wanted to liked Alvin for Alvin. The moment he had pin the older man to the wall, lips coming to roughly crush against his, that he knew that his affection ran deeper than just seeing Alvin as his savior.

He was happy with the progression of their relationship, Jude couldn’t help but notice how guilty Alvin looked sometimes. The desire to ask what was troubling him was always on the tip of his tongue, but something always stopped him from doing so. Some part of him wanted Alvin to confide in him on his own, but another told him that something was very off about the older man not wanting to tell him anything. Despite how conflicted he felt, Jude decided to put the issue on the back burner until he dealt with a far bigger issue.

Ever since becoming half ghoul, Jude had wanted answers as to why it had happened in the first place, so as soon as he became accustomed to his new life, the first thing he did was investigate the matter. He hadn’t recalled the attack that had landed him in the hospital, so he decided to look into the hospital itself. Strangely enough, they wouldn’t release his records to him, and when he questioned why, he was never given a proper answer. It was beyond suspicious, and it soon became clear to Jude that he needed the help of someone who held more power than he did. 

Surprisingly, it was Alvin who offered to assist him, though the entire time Jude couldn’t help but notice that the older man seemed reluctant to do so. It had taken some time, but Jude found out a few startling things about his operation; for one he was given an organ transplant, but his file never stated what organ was placed inside of him. Secondly, the doctor that had performed the operation on him was his own father, which was strange on it’s own since he shouldn’t have had any medical business within the city.

The deeper he dug, the more questions began to rise, but one thing was sure: he needed to meet with his father. After calling up his mother, he found that the man hadn’t been home in a while, which wasn’t all that strange until Jude began to think about how often his father would leave the house. It always for a month or two, and Jude had never questioned where the man went since he figured it had something to do with his work as a doctor. After everything that had happened to him, Jude began to seriously doubt that conclusion. 

The closer he got to finding finding his father, the more hostile ghouls he met. Even though Jude was opposed to fighting, he refused to let anything get in his way, not when he was so close to getting his answer. He and Alvin had managed to track his father down to an abandoned mansion on the outskirts of the city, and upon arriving, found that there was more to it than just a rundown building. Once inside, they managed to find a hidden basement that led to what looked a research facility, and upon seeing test tub after test tube of of things that barely resembled humans, Jude felt sick.

Was his father...truly behind such terrible things? Instead of letting the thought consume him, Jude kept going, knowing that if he wanted to know what his father was thinking, he needed to speak to him. Upon arriving at what looked like the door to the main research room, Alvin quickly grabbed his wrist before he could open the door, asking if he was really to deal with what was waiting for him on the other side. 

As much as he wanted to say ‘yes’ right away, he hesitated because of the looks Alvin had given him.Pain...the older man looked like he was in pain. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he was ready to hear the truth, but Jude knew that he needed to. So he placed his hand atop Alvin’s and told him that whatever happened, they’d face it together. His words seemed to only make Alvin’s disposition worse. 

Upon entering the room, Jude’s eyes widened at the sight of his father standing in front of a large test tube, the occupant inside completely unknown to him. He could barely contain himself, and he bombarded the man with questions, like why he had turned him into a ghoul, and what purpose it served.

“Evolution, Jude.” Is all his father says before two men join him, and Jude is utterly confused.

The man on his father’s right was dressed in blue, his sharp gaze bores into Jude like he’s lower than dirt. The man on the right is dressed in red, and he can’t help but think that he looks familiar. From the smell in the air, Jude can tell that his father is the only human in the room, so he quickly questions if his father is being used against his will.

“Oh no, Doctor Mathis is here of his own freewill,” The man in red speaks as he his looks shifts between Jude and his father, “You see, we have similar interests, your father and I, so it was only natural we work together.”

“...’Similar interest’...?” Jude questions, because he finds it hard to believe that his own father would share whatever twisted thoughts that man had.

“Of course. Your father had written a very interesting paper on the possibility of a ghoul-human hybrid being the next step in evolution, and having had a hand in producing one myself, he chose to work for me.”

Upon asking what he meant by ‘producing’, Jude was given a sour look by the man. He’s then told that the man once had a human wife that had given birth birth to a half ghoul, but upon learning his intentions for the child, she had fled. After hearing this, Jude is suddenly struck with a sudden realization...the man looks like Julius, and most certainly shared the same hair color as Ludger. The man clad in red must have been their father, and he is suddenly very worried for the brothers.

“Unfortunately by the time I caught up with her, she had sent the child away. We’re still in the process of looking for them, and I’m sure we’ll find them soon. But for now, Doctor Mathis and I have been working hard to perfect a procedure that was performed on you, you should feel lucky since the success rate is rater low.”

“I’m sorry Jude...but this was for the greater good.”

The greater...good? How could his father even say that? Making others suffer seemed the exact opposite of the greater good, and and more than anything it went against everything that made his father a doctor. It disgusted him, and in order to not say the wrong thing, he directs his attention to the man that hadn’t spoken a word yet.

“And what’s your role in all of this..?” Jude questions, voice tight as he tries to stay calm enough to assess the situation. 

“Me? Someone has to do the dirty work. If not kidnapping, then killing, causing ‘accidents’, anything to get more bodies to use.” The man smirks, and Jude’s stomach lurches.

“Than it was you who-”

“Who attacked you? Oh, I see...you still don’t know.” 

“Gilland that’s enough.” He hears Alvin hiss out, and Jude can’t help but snap his head in his direction.

“Well you see boy, my dear nephew here-”

“Gilland-!”

“Was the one who attacked you. I was rather surprised at how easily he agreed to do so, in fact, he didn’t ask for anything in return.”

The world around him begins to slow, and for a moment Jude doesn’t believe that this is all really happening. Maybe this is all a dream, and he’ll wake up to Alvin teasing him about not getting enough sleep. Alvin bringing him coffee whenever he had forgotten to eat. Alvin telling him that things would find a way to work out. Alvin holding him closely. Alvin kissing him. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin. Alvin. 

Alvin...is a liar. 

Jude is still numb the moment he feels a frantic hand on his shoulder, and his mind is so abuzz that all he can make out is a voice telling him that someone is ‘coming’. As his body is tugged in a random direction, Jude begins to question everything he knew about Alvin...only to realize that he didn’t know Alvin. The older man is a complete mystery that had walked into his life exactly when he had needed it, and Jude felt like a fool for not feeling suspicious of Alvin. In fact, his heart aches as he thinks back to all the times he should’ve questioned Alvin’s behavior, and the more he thinks about it, the more he begins to hate himself.

But more than hate for himself, the emotion that tugged at very fiber of Jude’s being is rage. Upon noticing that he has stopped moving, Jude looks up at Alvin as the man leans against against a wall. He has enough sense to make out that they’re in some kind of alleyway, and his confused look seems to prompt Alvin to tell him that the ghoul investigator had broken in, and if they didn’t run they would’ve been killed. 

Jude just stares blankly at him, and upon being asked if he’s all right, something in Jude just snaps.

“....No...I’m not...” 

The first time Jude has used to kagune, it had felt painful, alien to him, but now as he wills it out of his lower back, it feels completely...natural. The first strike knocks Alvin against a wall, and the second pierces the man’s side. Alvin lets out a strangled scream, and Jude doesn’t even bat an eyelash as he slams his fist into the man’s jaw. He knows very well that because he’s a part ghoul that his strength is abnormal, but it doesn’t stop him from unleashing everything he can muster up on Alvin.

He doesn’t hold back a single punch, kick, or stab with his kagune...and yet...

“Why...” Jude’s voice is ragged as he speaks, body straddling Alvin’s as he readies is fist for another punch, “Why aren’t you fighting back...?”

Alvin, bloody and bruised, gives him a pained look before turning his head, seemingly unable to hold his gaze any longer.

“There’s no way I can simply say ‘I’m sorry’ for this, so I figured having you take my life would be a decent apology...”

The explanation causes him to grit his teeth, and as he brings his fist to the older man’s face, he knows it lacks the intensity from before. At some point, Jude finally notices the wetness on his cheeks, and before long, Jude is sobbing as he finally brings his fists to his side. 

“Did you even love me? Or was that all a lie too-?”

“I never lied about that, never. I...I’m a piece of shit, Jude, and I’ve done terrible things to you, things that made me completely undeserving of you, but...please know that none of that was fake...”

And that’s the thing that made everything so difficult, because Jude believed him, knew that deep down that no matter how much Alvin lied, he’d never lie about something like that. It takes him a moment to gather himself, and once he does, Jude grabs the older man by the shoulders and pulls him up. Pressing their foreheads together, Jude speaks.

“He cheated on me once, you know.”

Jude looks down at his lap, pensive and sad. He doesn’t know what to say to that. Even if it didn’t happen to him, it’s still crushing and heartbreaking to know. Maybe it’s because he can see the hurt and sorrow and anger in Presa’s eyes.

She looks placid and calm, typical of all hospital patients after coming out of intensive care, but the sadness in her eyes makes Jude wonder if she would have preferred to have died at that cliff.

She turns to rest her cheek against her pillow, fingers twitching, and she eyes Jude from beneath her lashes. She tries to keep her expression playful, but Jude sees right through it.

“I see…” is all Jude says, curling his hands together. “I’m sorry to hear that. But…”

“But?” Presa says with a curl of her lip.

Jude is silent as he looks up at her slowly. She seems so sorry for him. “I know he would never do that to me.”

Presa closes her eyes and sighs. Jude wonders if she’s losing herself to happier memories. “I didn’t think he would either.”

Jude opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes to him. What can he say? He’s sorry to hear that again? That he didn’t think he would do that to her either? That she doesn’t know Alvin like he does, that Alvin loves him more than he loved her? All of that seems too cruel, and Jude is ashamed of himself for even letting the thoughts cross his mind.

“I wanted to marry Al,” she continues. “A wedding, leaving our lives behind, starting a family together far away where we could be alone, and being happy…”

Jude looks down again, unable to meet Presa’s bitter, daydreamy eyes.

“I wanted it all. He promised it to me, too. He said he would start looking for rings before– well,” she pauses, before finishing with a dark chuckle. “You know. If you don’t, let him tell you about it.”

“I do know,” Jude murmurs. “I’m sorry.”

Presa rolls her shoulders against her stiff hospital bed pillow. She looks so impassive, but Jude supposes no one can say anything to her that will make everything she’s gone through alright.

“Don’t be,” she says quietly, settling, though she’s obviously still uncomfortable.

“I just…” Jude begins quietly.

Presa watches him, but doesn’t say anything.

Jude shakes his head, squeezes his fingers. “Why did you forgive him?”

Presa chuckles, eyes shut in thought. “The same reason you would.”

Jude looks up at her, eyes wide, unblinking.

“Alvin would never do that to me,” Jude says firmly.

“I thought the same thing. Al has a way of surprising people,” Presa says nonchalantly.

“He loves me,” Jude asserts. “I know he loved you too, but he was also a different person back then. I know he still has his faults, I don’t doubt that, but…”

Presa chuckles. “Am I upsetting you?”

“It’s not that,” Jude says slowly, and after a moment he falls under the languid spell Presa always seems to carry with her. “I just don’t want to hold him to decisions that he made a long time ago.”

Presa hums. “That’s why I’m telling you this.”

Jude blinks, waits for her to continue.

“He’s made a lot of less-than-stellar decisions, and will probably break your heart at some point. That’s just how Al is.”

Jude clenches his fists. “He won’t do–”

“So, make sure you’re patient with him. Try to understand him. I’ve seen him screw up royally, but I’ve also seen him trying his hardest.”

Presa’s eyes flutter open, and she watches Jude with a small smile.

“I’ve never seen him try harder than he does for you and that little girl of yours.”

Not even for you, Jude wants to ask, but he knows the answer, and maybe this is what Presa means by Alvin breaking his heart sometimes.

“But don’t go lowering your standards just to be with him either,” Presa adds on, and Jude isn’t sure if she’s trying to be coy or not but her words ring so true that it makes him a bit uncomfortable.

“I just,” Jude has to look away in thought this time. “I can’t say I’ve never been disappointed in him, but in the end, he’s never let me down. He’s always come through for me, so I don’t know what to think other than… Well.”

Presa watches him expectantly. Jude’s expression turns sad, and he averts his gaze, as if ashamed.

“It makes me feel a little sorry for him. Now that I know what caused him to act the way he did, it really makes me want to help him change. I want to give him the chance he’s been waiting for.”

Presa says nothing, just watches him until Jude looks up to meet her gaze. There’s nothing judgmental or angry in her expression.

“You’re too good for him, for Al,” she says with a chuckle.

“I get that a lot,” Jude says with a small smile. It gets a smile out of Presa too.

“I would hope so. Al doesn’t deserve the scum under my heels, but if he hasn’t let you down by now, he probably never will.”

Jude’s smile brightens slightly.

“Like it or not, he loves you,” Presa says, fidgeting against her pillow. “So you’re stuck with him. Keep pushing him so he doesn’t get the chance to let you down. Okay, kid?”

“I will. Um, thanks Presa,” Jude says with a dust of pink over his cheeks.

Presa hums in affirmation before grunting in annoyance at her stiff pillow.

“Are you uncomfortable?” Jude asks, leaning toward Presa and adjusting her pillow for her. It was still in the way, but she needed to stay elevated, unfortunately for her.

“It’s fine now. Thank you,” she says with a wink. “No wonder Al’s so taken with you. You’re sweet, you know that?”

Jude gives the back of his head a daft scratch. “I’m a doctor, so these kinds of things just…stick out to me.”

Presa chuckles.

“Are you hungry or anything? Thirsty?” Jude fusses.

“I could go for a martini right about now,” Presa says without missing a beat.

Jude gives her a chiding smile. “You know I can’t get you one of those. How about some water instead?”

“Can’t say it’d hit the spot like a drink would, but I’ll settle for water,” Presa says with a tilt of her head. She gives Jude a lidded smile. “That just means you’ll have to take me out for drinks when I get out, doesn’t it?”

“Um,” Jude flusters, twisting the cap of the water bottle in his hands with a bit more force than he intended. “Sure. I mean, if you mean it, and really want me to. I’m old enough to drink, so–”

“I do mean it,” Presa says coyly. She reaches out and plucks the damp bottle from Jude’s hands. “So don’t let me down, doctor.”

jude sneezes before groaning from beneath his several layers of blanekts. he had barely slept, so he looks wretched, eyes red and puffy and brimmed with circles that are darker than usual. his cheeks were flushed too.

he glances over to the clock next to his and alvin's bed. it was noon; he was sent home early yesterday be cause balan swore up and down that he was looking feverish. jude protested (of course) at first, but when he awakens, he's grateful for the time off. he felt liike he could fall asleep and never wake up at any moment.

it takes all the willpower in the world to turn onto his side, and jude isn't surprised to see alvin's side of the bed empty. he waes probably gone, so jude decided to take advantage of the quiet time to sleep some more.

when he awakens again with another groan, he's greeted with a package of crackers and a tall bottle of water sitting on the bedside table. jude blinks in confusion at first, but is quick to realize it was probably alvin who put them there.

"alvin," he croaks out pitifully, and winces when he hears that his voice is becoming shot. jude couldn't feel more helpless if he wanted to.

it takes awhile, possibly minutes, but alvin comes in with a bowl of steaming soup.

"hey," he greets with a weary smile. there's none of his usual mischievous gleam. jude is quick to tell that alvin isn't feeling too good either.

"you're sick," jude rasps, blinking at alvin as he sits up.

alvin snorts. "like you're one to talk."

jude sighs in defeat, not up for teasing banter.

"did you have soup already too?" he asks.

alvin hums, ambiguous and noncommittal, as he sits at the edge of the bed.

"it's just a sinus headache," he assures before offering the bowl to jude. jude takes it and lets it sit on his covered lap.

"still," jude presses. "you look like i feel."

alvin manages a smile. "hey now, that's rude."

jude chuckles. "it's the truth."

jude manages to shoo alvin away to get some soup and water for himself, and is in the middle of sending ludger a distress text, telling him about the wretched situation he and alvin are in. by the time alvin returns, jude is puttiing his phone back on the bedside table, next to his empty bowl of soup and half-finished water.

"i just talked to ludger," he says as alvin sets himself to changing into comfortable sleeping clothes. he definitely had the same idea as jude did.

"yeah?" alvin says somewhat distractedly.

jude hums in affirmation. "he said he's going to have julius bring us some spirius-grade antibiotics, and help us out a bit."

"that guy's a lifesaver," alvin says as he slides under jude's mountain of blankets alongside him.

jude nods lazily as he settles back under the blankets, until everything below his chin is warm and covered.

"how are you feeling?" jude asks, quick to change the subject.

alvin huffs a sigh. "i've seen better days."

jude chuckles before scooting towards alvin and fitting himself against his side.

"get some rest. we'll both feel better."

alvin squirms against jude's feverish little body before turning his head to nuzzle him.

"sleep's sounding pretty good."

jude's smile softens, drowsy. "i'll see you in a little bit."

alvin hums and lets his eyes slide shut. "yeah."