#alishba

Alishba, a Pakistani-American Muslim woman photograped by Kyna Uwaeme

Who is me?

Who is Alishba?

And who the hell am I?

Alishba is this person the world knows, just another face in a sea of a million others. She is someone a lot of people see every day, shake hands with, exchange smiles and words with. She is the person who sits in classrooms and rides in buses and listens to you even when what you're saying is bullshit, and even when what you're saying is nothing and everything at the same time. Alishba is this girl whose name you may have seen written somewhere, who may have given you a stink look some time, who might have smiled at you without intending to and whom you would doubtless have seen saying utterly silly things. She is the person who chews on her lip when she gets scolded, pretends a scrutinizing look when her mama shows her things she couldn't care less about, who gives an attentive look when listening to something that couldn't interest her less. Alishba is the one whose fever can be chased away with an antibiotic. She is the person who bobs her head when she's got her headphones on because, yeah, who cares what anyone thinks? Alishba is the one who traverses many bridges a day: bridges that she doesn't want to cross but still does and ends up creating new ones in the process. As if things weren't complicated enough.

I am different. I am Alishba and me together. I am the one who smiles at you because I want to, talks to you because I want to. I give you a warm handshake because I like your company. I am the one who listens to mama's scoldings because I know I have done something wrong and that it's maybe just her way of reassuring herself we're still on her side in this world that's a little too unfair. I lose my breath and my words because threads snap in some special bubbles of time, not because there's something wrong with my vocal cords or pulmonary systems. I am the one whose thoughts are somewhere as you say something I'm not interested in, and I'm also the one who pays closer attention than is healthy when you say something because you're special. I am the one who thinks and overthinks and lives on a bumpy sinusoid of paradoxes and remembers details of your minutest movements. I am the one who can imagine herself in anyone's shoes and which, regretfully, results in bad situations. I always stall when there's a bridge to be crossed that I don't want to, and I scream and shout and run to put a torch to them, burn them all down. I don't care about what 'has' and 'has not' to be done, what 'can' and 'can't' be said; there is no 'box' to limit ability and capability. And I always care. And when I fall sick, everything becomes miserable and the soul begins to hurt. Simply too much soul to bear.

If Alishba is someone and I am, well, I, who is me?

Me is this pivot that balances Alishba and I. Me is the deciding factor for whether the person you're encountering is Alishba or I. Me would also be the entity that tries to bring a balance between Alishba's stark rationality and the excessively dreamy and unpredictable state I possess. Me is the rubber band that has Alishba and I written all over it and sometimes it snaps.

And when me snaps, chaos ensues. You may observe something change for now Alishba is gone, pushed back, thrown away with the force of the snapping rubber band. All you see now is I. All there is now is chaos and a medley of words and shattering glass trinkets interlinked with broken breath and regret.

Or maybe you don't even notice.

Or maybe you notice and just don't care.

Alishba doesn't care either.

But I do.