Aliens reacting to our wildlife.

Because, god, if they think we're Space Orcs, wait until they see the shit that could scare or amaze us.

Like:

Alien: "Human, I was looking over my notes..."

Human: "I have a name-"

Alien: "Your closest living ancestors are of the genus Pan, yes? These "Chimpanzee" and "Bonobo" creatures."

Human: "Uh, yeah. Funny story, they wouldn't be living nowadays if it wasn't for NATO signing the ENCR Preservation Act-"

Alien: "In 2031, yes, I know, that's not what gets me. What gets me is, uh...I was unaware your empathy and barbarism was genetic. Chimpanzees enter into societies and build tools, yet also cannibalize weaker factions and have "hair-trigger" tempers."

Human: "Yeah, Chimps are fucking terrifying."

Alien: "...They're what?"

Human: "They're...fucking terrifying?"

Alien: "They scare you?!"

Human: "Why wouldn't they? They have super-strength and sharp teeth, not to mention the grey matter. Piss off a Chimp and you could, literally, lose your face."

Alien: "YOUR KIND ROUTINELY BUILDS SUPERWEAPONS AND INGESTS POISON FOR FUN, AND YOU'RE SCARED OF YOUR PRE-SAPIENT RELATIVES?!"

Human: "Wait 'til you find out how we feel about bears!"

(idea by @itsshybouquetninja)

“Pssst. Kalik, come over here!” a voice half-whispered behind Kalik. 

Kalik, the head commander of SSB (Ship Section B), turned around to see Human Ally standing a few feet behind him. Kalik had been performing the customary room inspection before “Trance Time” (or as humans called it-sleep), when Human Ally had called out to him.

“Human Ally, what are you doing? You should be in your room. It is almost Trance Time,” Kalik’s monotonous translator device said, echoing down the empty hall. All of the crew members were already in their personal quarters- much of them already sleeping. It had been a long day for the ship’s crew, for they had been on Earth all day; some explored while others visited old friends and family. 

Human Ally smiled eagerly before replying, “I know, I know. But I’m not tired because I’m excited! I got to see my family today and visit my old room and- Oh! I saw my dog Mimi...!” 

Kalik recognized joy on Human Ally’s face. That emotion was the easiest to detect on humans because their mouth and eyes usually smiled while their heart raced, which Kalik had the great ability to sense. 

“Oh wait!” Human Ally clapped her hands together, “Before I forget, I want to show you something. Wait here for a second.” And with that, Human Ally dashed into her room, and shut the door. Kalik obediently followed her commands, unsure of what was going to happen next. 

Within a few minutes, the door swung open, and there stood a gigantic, ferocious creature covered in fur. Kalik’s two hearts raced. What happened to Human Ally? Kalik knew that humans weren’t shape-shifters, however they did sometimes dramatically change their appearance by using harmful chemicals or undergoing hours of body reconstruction they called Plastic Surgery. Nonetheless, this creature was not human- it was a beast.

It looked a part of the canine species that Kalik had seen on earth, however this particular beast stood on two legs and had blue and white fur- an unusual color of fur for Earth’s canines.

Kalik prepared for attack, for he knew that this creature had done something with Human Ally. The spikes on his head raised and his tentacles curled up, signaling his intent on attack. 

“Wait-Woah, Kalik. It’s me, Ally,” the mysterious creature declared with Human Ally’s voice. 

“Ally?” Kalik relaxed a little. “I don’t understand.” 

A small, muffled laugh could be heard. The beast then reached for his head, and separated it from his body. A small, freckled face Ally was revealed. 

“It’s called a Fursuit. I found it today in my closet when I visited home. I thought you might like to see it,” Human Ally explained as she petted the furry head. Kalik had seen humans do or say some weird things, but this definitely puzzled him. There was no doubt in Kalik’s mind that humans were the strangest beings he had met. 

Human Ally examined Kalik’s confused look, which was a look she had gotten used to overtime.

Amilia stare out the window lost in the way the leaves of the tree just outside were waving in the gently breeze. The sunlight showing bursts of bright green against a background of dark foilage. It glistened almost like stars did against the dark background of empty space. A flash of feathers caught her gaze and she watched a birds startled flight from one tree to another. In the far distance massive snow topped mountains towered over the valley her window looked out too. Her eyes traced the path of a stream whose sours was hidden from sight. A soft woosh indicated the door lock opening, and the observation deck flooded with red light. The image of Earth shimmered, giving way to the true view of vast space beyond. “Apologies Amilia, I was unaware this deck was occupied.” A Salidan stood in the door way, primary eyes flickering incandescently from yellow to red in a show of embarrassment. The Salidan race were similar to humans, carbon based organisms with similar enough organs. They were tall and spindly, with four arms, two sets of eyes, skin in variations of the color purple, and three sets of lungs with a built in filtration system that was capable of filtering out elements detrimental to their bodily process. They came from a planet remarkably similar to earth, thought it lacked in Earth’s extreme biodiversity and violent weather systems. There’s was located in the GN-z11 galaxy, from which they were currently 6 billion lightyears away from. “Axlan-yua,” Amilia smiled, “No harm done I’m guessing I didn’t register to your telepathic hoodoo.” Axlan-yua frowned primary eye lids drooping in disappointment, his secondary eyes stared unendingy into her own. A trait Amilia had been told was known to cause discomfort in humans not used to interacting with Salidian’s. “No, unfortunately even spending so much time with you has not familiarized me to your brain patterns.” His head tilted in a show of curiosity, an action Amilia was hesitant to tell him he had picked up from her, “Was that Earth you were looking at?” Amilia smiled sadly, “Yes,” she said, “A place called Colorado.” “May I inquire,” He seemed to hesitate, “are you suffering what they call “Home sickness”?“ Amilia sighed, and motioned to the soft seat across from her, telling her friend with body language that his questions were okay. The young Salidian relaxed his stiff posture, and sprawled out across from her. “I don’t know Axlan, how can I be Homesick for a place I have never been?” Axlan-yua’s primary eyes shifted to a deep green, which Amilia judged as introspective from her long association with her friends emotional coloring. “I sometimes wish to step upon the soil of the planet my memory lines once walked, perhaps you merely long for memories buried within you genetic code?” Amilia shrugged, “I don’t know Axlan…it’s possible.” Axlan-yua reached an arm out to pat Amilia on the leg, “One day we will go to Dokkum, and we will go to Earth…and see if we can discover a cure to your mind sadness.” _________________________________________ Despite his reassurances Axlan-yua was worried for his juvenile human friend. He began spending his free time on the intergalactic academies library council researching those things that would make his friend happy. Unfortunately pets were not allowed in the academy for students, though he HAD seen Amilia visiting some of the zoological professors animal companions. So he began researching things that made humans happy. As well as things that might trigger his friends genetic memories. After desperately asking Sax, a Xycfra, who were insectoid types with perfect photographic memories with the ability to access a hive mind, for help he finally had a plan. The next time the merchant ships docked he handed his list of items to an Earth dealer. The gruff looking man read the list with what could have been a confused frown, or and angry scowl (Axlan-yua wasn’t adept at reading humans he was in constant contact with). “Don’t recall Salidian’s having a thing for scents,” the man said, with what Axlan-yua supposed was suspicion, “Your folks haven’t found a way to get sussed out on essential oils have ya?” Axlan almost felt the need to blink his secondary eyes in a show of the human emotion shock, and he might of if his secondaries has eyelids, “No, Sir, essential oils don’t act as a drug on my species.” He hesitated before offering, “My human friend is sad.” The man nodded in understanding, “Wanting to give ‘em a taste of Earth.” He said nodding in contemplation. “Wait here.” He wandered into the back of his ship and was absent for a long while. When he came back out he had a box full of items. “Here,” he said, “I threw some other things in as well,” and pulled a few packet with English writings on them, “This is a drink, kinda like tea, instructions are on the packet and this stuff goes innut you serve it hot like..ya know…always makes my daughter feel good when she’s blue.” Axlan-yua nodded eagerly, and gathered the items. __________________________________________

When Axlan-yua told her to meet him in the observation pod four Amilia knew something was up. Salidian’s do NOT have good poker faces what the emotionally colored primary eyes and all. But he was her closest friend at the academy. And she new whatever it was it wouldn’t be bad. The room was lit like an earth twilight, and all the rooms graphic walls were ingaged in the middle part of the rooms light was being produced by a projection of a low fire, the sound system projecting the sounds the wood made while it burned….a gentle crackle and small pops. It seemed like she could SMELL the fire smoke almost. She gasped as she looked around her and realized that it appeared as though they were standing in a meadow. Surrounded by tall Douglas fir trees, and then the scent hit her faintly like lemons or pineapples but fresh and crisp…and somehow she knew this was what these trees smelled like. In the background a low whooshing like blood constantly running within her ears with little bubbles, and that was the stream between the trees making that noise! She looked up and saw pink tinged clouds, and the first stars appearing in the sky, this was what the sky on earth looked like. She turned to look at her friend, eyes wide in wonder, and the green happiness of his eyes let her know that if he was human his grin would be a mile wide. “Sit Amilia, Sit!” He handed her a mug, with a thick milky brown liquid sloshing around in it. Floating upon the surface were small bits of stuff that looked like foam chunks. With a small sniff her eyes widened in delight, “Hot chocolate!” She laughed happily. She turned eyes wet with moisture to her friend, “Axlan, how did you do all this?” Axlan-yua could feel the happiness radiating off of her. He could FEEL it! He was synching with his friends brain patterns. His eyes whirled a rainbow of colors in excitement before setting back to happy green, “I could not take you to earth, so I brought earth to you.” _________________________________________

“And that,” Amilia told her enthralled children as they sat around the happily crackling fire, cheerfully munching a s'more, “Is how your Uncle Axlan and I began the installation of “World Rooms” on Intergalactic Academy Stations.“

Alien slams the door to their shared cottage closed with a look of horror on their face.

Human, drinking tea: "...So...the "megaherbivore related to cetaceans couldn't be that unsettling, huh?"

Alien: "Human-"

Human: "-I have a name-"

Alien: "Why did you not inform me of their ferocity? That...thing eats plant matter? It can unhinge it's jaw like a 'Kul'ak-valmir', and it's temperament is horrific!"

Human: "Yeaaah...[sips tea] hippos are no joke."

Alien: "A-And the-the speed! The speed of them! Nothing that weighs so much should be allowed to gallop so freely! How anything survives near their domicile is inconceivable!"

Human: "I'll tell ya how they survive...they don't. Fuck. With the hippo."

a beat. silence. a sip of tea. then-

Human: "They're also an invasive species."

Alien: "They what."

Human: "Yeah, a drug lord bought four of them and kept them in Colombia for a while. Then, after he died, they broke out. They almost got to two-hundred before the authorities got the greenlight to use euthanasia and sterilization on 'em. But there's still a few."

Alien: "I-why-what-"