#al-anon

In episode 1x08 of the show, Carmy's monologue was interpreted by Calo as a love letter to Al-Anon. However, I believe that the entire show, and not just one episode, embodies Al-Anon's principles and can be seen as a love letter to them among its many themes.

So going backward, while watching episode 1x03, I became curious about the al-anon pamphlet that Carmy carried. This led me to research their principles and views on relationships, which I believe align with Carmy and Sydney's situation.

They call these principles the 12 traditions of healthy relationships (which uses the 12 traditions in recovery as inspiration). What stood out to me is the belief that unity is the most important part of a healthy relationship. There's a belief that unity is what keeps the family affected by alcohol together. Communication is vital to this union, and the desire to make it work. There are other principles, such as expressing a godly love and autonomy in the union- I may discuss this another time. Right now, let's analyze Tradition III, which season 2 seems to be paying homage to.

Also, thank you, @currymanganese, for helping me align these principles with Sydney and Carmy, along with @vacationship for encouraging me to post.

Tradition III

Summary: When gathered together for mutual benefit, may call themselves a relationship. The only basic requirements for a good marriage or relationship are a mutual desire to be in that relationship and a willingness to make it work.

One person alone cannot make a relationship work. Both partners have to want it to work and be willing to work on it. Each must have the same goal and each must try to achieve that goal.

For Syd and Carmy, their mutual goal is to have a restaurant (family) that functions differently, well, and healthy than what they're used to, and since the beginning, Carmy and Syd have had this desire to make their relationship work. When Sydney comes back, it solidifies the desire for a partnership.

But to our surprise- Carmy's tune changes; he runs into Claire and falls off his goal in Al-anon and focuses instead on things outside of the union. At times, it seems Carmys is checked out; this surprised some of the fandom since he was so excited about this partnership in the season one finale and at the beginning of season two. But the desire to make a relationship healthy does not mean all days are good days or that desire is there all the time:

Willingness to be in the relationship may ebb or flow. In other words, there may be days when your attitude is such that you become indifferent to being in the relationship or lazy about upholding your part of the relationship. But, these attitudes are usually a temporary thing and they will pass. There may also be days inwhich your partner has the indifferent attitude or is seemingly unwilling to work on his/her part of the relationship. These feelings and situations are not uncommon among us.

Thinking about 2x03, Richie tells his daughter, "I love Taylor Swift too. I just needed a break." And this cuts to Carmy getting a phone call from Claire. His distraction. His unwillingness to continue working on his relationship is normal. Still, it fades and is based on principle tradition II, though Carmy sometimes needs help to make it work. He also plays the dominant one or god when making the decisions in the partnership.

When one partner speaks for the relationship or partnership without consulting the other (playing God), he/she then becomes responsible for the growth or lack of growth of that relationship...This situation is especially true when the one being dominated is afraid and unsure of himself and wants someone else to be responsible for all the decisions, thus absolving himself of any kind of mistake or failure.

When one governs the relationship, or there's a distraction in making the relationship work, based on traditions, it's important to take inventory of the union and the person's attitude in order to get back on track, and Sydney does just that when Carmy governs the decisions- chaos menu or his resistance in calling the fridge guy.

When we allow outside things to divert us from our goal of making our marriage or relationship work, we create confusion and thus dilute our relationship and its unity. This can be done easily by our self-centered fear or self-centeredness in any aspect. When we pursue our own interests to the exclusion of our partners, this is not healthy.

Interestingly, al-anon traditions speak on hobbies carried to an extreme extent, extramarital affairs, or unfaithfulness (Claire)- really anything that diverts the individual from the goal of unity.

In al-anon, when an individual diverts from the goal of a healthy relationship (union), it suggests they fix their minds on the traditions, use the 12 steps that change their lives and relationships for the better, and refuse to allow distractions to confuse them.

Looking at these principles and their emphasis on healthy relationships, I wonder if Carmy will dive deeper into al-anon or if his quest for fun and joy and his perceived failure to maintain it causes him to steer away from al-anon season three.

But in a way, Carmy's mistake causes him to vow against any other distractions in his life- this could be positive- but Carmy's crippling anxiety can't see the good in the focus on the restaurant and Sydney. His mindset sees this as punishment for the 'bad' he caused on opening night.

i’m connecting the dots

I, like most of them, am queer and dubious of organized religion sometimes due to some people who weaponize their religions against us. However, I'm in Al-Anon, a 12-Step program for friends and family of addicts, and it helps A LOT once you read the literature and understand that no one is trying to convert you to anything.

As an ACA, you go through trauma, and because no one else is acknowledging it, you ignore it, normalize it, decide that it isn't real, and you shouldn't be affected by it. And, then you have confirmation that it was real. It happened, and other people went through it. And when that happens, you can finally move forward and begin to heal.