#agent archivist

it’s a long way down, a long way down - a holy hell au inspired by the creep series

there are stories are stories on stories on stories about matches made in heaven. about two pure souls destined for the other, finally reaching a ‘happily ever after’ after going through trials and tribulations that, honestly, are played out and boring.

that’s exactly what fergus macleod would tell you, anway.

he’s been inhabiting his mortal coil for a few decades now, engaging in his favorite activity--serial murder.

but lately, something has--gone out.

he’s lost his light. his passion for killing.

so he gets an idea, and puts out an ad for a videographer.

he’ll make a documentary, he decides. a magnum opus to relight the blood and the violence that had brought him so much joy over the years.

what he didn’t expect was andi.

not her beauty. not her courage. not her wit, sharp enough to make a god bleed.

and not her fangs, and a thirst to rival his--even if her moral compass was a bit more lawful.

enough of stories about matches made in heaven.

talk to me about a match made in hell.

(these--particular films are not easy watches, though i personally enjoy them. the sequel is my favorite, but remember when i said ‘explicit sexuality’ in the first warning post? the especially applies to creep 2. when i imagined this au it was less in-line with the main narrative of the movies and more, say, a meet-cute story you’d overhear at an addams’ family function.)

mini soundtrack sampler includes: lovelytheband, ‘buzz cut’ + catfish & the bottlemen, ‘longshot’ + albert natural, ‘sara loves her juicy fruit’

red sun rises like an early warning - an ancient cares au inspired by sleepy hollow

sleepy hollow was often called a “sleepy” village, in the way that meant that nothing ever happened there. marie van tassel, daughter of the richest man in town--and immediately intrigued by the arrival of one police constable walter vaughn, sent all the way from new york city--would disagree. especially in recent years.

the headless horseman had returned.

and marie, for all the occult studying she’d done far from the gaze of her father’s watchful eyes, still so haunted after her mother’s brutal and untimely passing--couldn’t figure out why.

she knew exactly who he was. what he was. but why had he returned? what had woken him?

and could see really be that mournful, when it had sprung start the machinations of fate that brought walter right to her doorstep?

“i have shed my tears for boom... and yet my heart is not broken. do you think me wicked?”

“no... but perhaps there is a little bit of witch in you, marie.”

“walter, why do you say that?”

“because you have bewitched me.”

mini soundtrack sampler includes: frank sinatra, ‘witchcraft’ + creedence clearwater revival, ‘i put a spell on you’ + the rolling stones, ‘sympathy for the devil’

drunk and driven by a devil’s hunger - a safety nets au inspired by apostle, co-starring @agent-thorn​

it was only five years into the birth of an entirely new century, and her twin brother had been taken; her father, lost in his grief, was utterly useless.

it was all up to parker jensen.

she found a fake pass easy enough, slyly dancing her way through conversations with began with “you know, i don’t remember seeing you at any of the prayer meetings...” until finally, finally, they reached that accursed island.

she’d never been to wales before.

she had no idea what to expect.

what are you supposed to expect, when you’re all alone on a solo rescue mission going toe-to-toe with what can only be described as a cult?

but ivar--son of the enigmatic priest of the island, malcolm--was a nice surprise.

the only nice surprise that she’d find.

it wasn’t until she caught jeremy, sneaking home after what she could only guess had something to do with ffion, that she got her first flash of what would be a more and more grisly truth.

this island had its own god.

and something much more sinister than genesis had happened on this soil.

mini soundtrack sampler includes: bakar, ‘hell n back’ + mumford & sons, ‘little lion man’ + neil reid, ‘mother of mine’

let that fever make the water rise - a grace & choice au inspired by the ritual

it was supposed to be like a vacation. diana hadn’t had one in at least fifteen years. vida, even longer.

so why not hiking? why not the kungsleden--the king’s trail--in northern sweden?

the first two days were bliss. nothing but rolling hills, clear skies. up until:

“ah fuck!”

“vida--shit, vida, are you okay?”

“yeah, i’m--urk!”

“all right, that was not a reassuring noise, let’s have a look at that--”

vida’s left knee went from pink to a swollen blue to an agonized, deep purple tinged with green over the course of next day. diana couldn’t bear to watch her struggle to keep up, especially when this was supposed to be a romantic break, nothing as taxing as the fieldwork happening back home.

by the light of a campfire, diana studied their map, humming. “what if we just cut through the forest?” she asked. “if we just went as the crow flies... it cuts the time in half. and you need medical attention, vida, we can’t keep going on like this.”

“has the battalion cleared this area?” vida returned her question with one of her own, eyes shining. the reflection of the fire made them look like stones polished by a river. “we wouldn’t run into anything, would we?”

diana smiled. “nothing we couldn’t handle, love, i’m sure.”

and diana didn’t change her mind when they set off the next morning... up until they found the disembowled carcass of an elk, placed up high in a tree like a religious icon.

she thought of morgan.

“diana, what--what put that up there? something had to have put that up there!”

mini soundtrack sampler includes: billie eilish, ‘bury a friend’ + two feet, ‘i feel like i’m drowning’ + coldplay, ‘paradise’

you can hear the river from my burial bed - a secret gardens au inspired by the legends of slenderman & mercy black, co-starring @agent-hood​

she wouldn’t say she wouldn’t remember. she did.

it was just that caroline janson had been in therapy for so long... she was no longer sure what of shards of her memories were real, and what would be, as dr. ward would say, hallucinations.

but she knew one thing: she was glad to be coming home.

“i hope chicken’s okay for your first night back,” parker began gently. “i’m just now realizing i forgot to ask--”

caroline smiled at her, “chicken would be great.”

she watched parker’s profile, as she opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again. finally, she inhaled, then began, “you know... carter’s missed you since you’ve been gone...”

caroline rolled her eyes. “parker. it’s been a decade and a half. i seriously doubt it.”

“hey, who knows my brother better right now, me or you?”

that earned a huff... and a grin. subdued, but still there. “... okay. fine. but... maybe not tonight.” parker glanced at her once, and nodded.

“i understand. besides, maybe i want you all to myself for the first few days, anybody think about that?”

and caroline laughed.

and she wished that it felt like she wasn’t still being haunted.

mini soundtrack sampler includes:  oingo boingo, ‘dead man’s party’ + shaed, ‘trampoline’ + corrina repp, ‘only a beat’

don’t let it shake your steady thread-cutting hand - a royals & robots au inspired by kristy

it was hardly tilde’s idea to spend thanksgiving alone harvard. but between the pandemic, the weather, and her own growing agitation at her father’s behavior...

it just seemed easier.

and it wasn’t all bad. she still had prudence, who opted to stay with her out of love (and perhaps a lack of family--but she didn’t ask). and they had run of essentially the entire campus--there were several buildings that stayed opened, even over the holiday. the library being one.

but it wasn’t until one night, when they made a late night trip to a convenience store not far from tilde’s housing that things became... strange.

“pru. ... pru!” she whispered, snacks in one hand, the other on pru’s elbow. “... i think she’s following us.”

“she?” pru asked, lowly, careful to keep her eyes down, as if they were just having a very, very difficult time decided on what kind of poptarts they wanted.

tilde, face oddly blanched, couldn’t find her voice, so she just nodded.

at the end of the aisle, a figure in dark hoodie and skinny jeans passed out of view.

one of pru’s arms went around tilde’s waist. “don’t worry. i’m sure she’s just here at the same time as us. it’s a small store.”

tilde would remember that when she got home in time to find a snuff film loaded onto her laptop.

“oh shit--oh shit, oh god--!”

this is why she preferred halloween.

So, of course he should have just stayed home and play his video games. He should have just told the guy no. But of course his bleeding heart had to take over when the guy started crying over his missing kid sister. And now here he was, in the welcoming circle of a cult that was notorious for causing problems and being weird.

He had been roaming the deep web like usual one night, searching for any problems that needed to be fixed and trolling the trolls. That was when he was messaged by a local hacker that he knew vaguely. The hacker said his sister had been missing for nearly a month and he still couldn't find her. So, Dodger stretched and started digging. When he found her it was in some teens found footage type video that had been posted on a forum about a cult. And of course he was talked into going and getting the girl.

This sect of the cult had never killed anyone. And the entire cult was based around a peaceful space butterfly or something like that, Dodger didnt really pay too close attention. The entire cult just liked doing pranks that inadvertently hurt people. He just wanted to grab the girl and get out. But with his big mouth and tendency to ramble he got himself inaugurated into the cult with ease.

After the ritual was done and the celebration began, Dodger walked up to the girl he was supposed to be saving, Sarah. She was standing alone with her cup of hot cocoa, sipping it lightly to warm he on this cold evening.

As he approached she smiled brightly, cocked her head to the side and said, "Shaboozy," in greeting.

Dodger did the same, as he had been instructed to do when greeting other members of the cult. And then he started some small talk with her. Nothing too odd, just a few questions about her life with the cult and things like that. She thought he was trying to hit on her, but in reality he wanted to know if she was going to put up a fight when he inevitably dragged her away from this corner of the woods.

She reported that she hadn't been with the cult long, only a few weeks. Which lined up with her missing persons report. So, he started prying about her life before the cult to see if she would get homesick and want to leave with him. But as she started to reply, a large grey headed man came out of the bushes.

"Everyone stop where you are and put your hands up," said the grey headed man. He was hovering his right hand above a gun of some sort, Dodger didnt really care. He just put himself between the strange man and Sarah.

The leader of the cult stepped forward. "Who are you? The police? You can't arrest us we aren't doing anything wrong we are just having a party. We arent even making that much noise!" said the leader rapidly. Dodger could tell he was nervous.

"I'm not here to arrest anyone. I'm here to get all these underaged kids back to their parents." Said the grey headed man.

By this time, Doger could see that there was a tall, dark woman standing behind him. He had to admit she was really hot.

There was a murmur of talking from the other cultists. Some of the younger members spoke up and said, "Why?" "We don't want to go back!" You can't make us go!"

"We can get the actual authorities involved and they won't be as nice in getting you home." Said the dark green haired woman.

"Party's over kids. You are going to get in our van and we will take you home. You are being taken advantage of even though you don't realize it." The grey headed man said in he really gruff voice. He was stern but gentle enough that it was persuasive.

"I don't trust two peeps that just randomly show up in the woods with guns and want to take away kids to who knows where." Dodger piped up, his voice squeaking a little with fear. He grabbed Sarah's hand and started to walk away from the two strangers.

"Says the guy who joined a cult" said the sexy woman under her breath.

As they walked, Dodger slowly quickened his pace, dragging Sarah behind him and widening the space between them and the strangers.

"Stop!" commanded the tall grey headed man.

"Nope!" Dodger yelled as he started to run with Sarah behind him into the the forest. He didn't look back as he ran, clutching onto Sarah's hand.

"Where are we going?" Sarah asked as they ran into the darkness of the forest.

"To my car." Dodger yelled back to her.

"What? Why?" yelled Sarah as she ran, slowing slightly.

"I'm taking you to your brother." Dodger said out of breath, running on pure adrenaline.

"What?! Isn't that what those people wanted to do." Sarah asked.

"I guess. All I know is I'm not lying about my motives and they might be." Dodger said, looking back at Sarah.

They came into a clearing and they slowed to a stop, both breathing hard. Dodger looked behind them to see if they had been followed and didn't see or hear anything.

"How do I know you're not lying now?" Sarah asked as she breathed hard. Leaning over with her hands on her knees.

Dodger was in the same position. "Why... the hell... would l join... a stupid cult... that's full of kids... if not to... save someone?" He panted. He could bearly hear himself think over his heavy breathing, his heartbeat in his ears, and the distant humming. "Wait, huh?" He said as he righted himself. Dodger looked around and saw a light flying towards them through the trees.

"Shit!" cursed Dodger. He then grabbed Sarah's hand again and started running again.

They didn't get far when the drone that was flying towards them caught up and shot a rope net at them, trapping and tripping them. Both Sarah and Dodger fell when the the net wrapped around their legs. Dodger looked up at the drone and raised his hand at it. He snapped his fingers and when he did the drone short circuited and fell from the sky. He then got himself and Sarah free from the net, but it was too late. The strangers were there standing over them.

"How did you do that?" Asked the green haired woman.

"Uh... I've always been able to do stuff like that. Change the tv without a remote, turn on my computer from across the room, a short circuit  drones with a snap. I don't know what it is, I just learned to control it." Dodger rambled, which he does when he's scared.

"And you were helping this girl back home?" asked the tall man.

"And I was doing a fine job of doing it before you two showed up." Dodger huffed as he stood up, brushed himself off and helped Sarah up.

"Right." Said the strange man skeptically. "You're coming with us too."

Dodger sighed and slumped his shoulders. "So it's going to be kidnapped by two weird returners of children. So be it. Cuff me." He said dramatically as he put his hands together in front of himself.

The two strangers looked at each other with an eyebrow raised then back at Dodger. The man shrugged and reached behind him and grabbed handcuffs from his belt and clamped them over Dodger's wrists.

The next few hours were boringly filled with driving and the two strangers who introduced themselves as Agent Sentinel and Agent Archivist, who dismissed the question of who's agents they were, knocking on doors of the families of the children that had joined the cult. Dodger said goodbye to Sarah who thanked him for trying to get her to realize that she needed to go home and got off the van. Then the next few hours were the two proclaimed agents asking Dodger about his powers, how he found out about the cult, what he does for a living, which he reported he was unemployed at the time, and why he was on the deep web in the first place. Halfway through the drive, Dodger realized these weren't just questions to pass the time. These so called agents were interrogating him.

As they ended their interrogation that took a few hours, Agent Sentinel turned on a road that led to a giant manson. He parked the van out front and turned to look at Dodger who was sitting at the back of the van. "Well Mr. Bain, I think we have a proposition for you."

As Sentinel finished his sentence the front door of the manor opened.