#afterdarkthoughts

If I really wanted to hurt you, I'd use the same words that you used to destroy me. Those words created my self doubt; made me think I wasn't worth anything; made me believe I didn't deserve to exist. The thing is though I could never do that; stoop so low. As to make someone so hollow; feel so low and drained that they no longer feel as if they're alive. That they just exist, and that is all. I will not mentally nor emotionally obliterate you with my words; but I will pity you for how much you must hate yourself, enough to make you think it's okay to make others hate themselves as well.

I stay up past 4am each night with a million different thoughts running at the speed of light in my head. They range from happy thoughts such as the future I hold with my best friend, I can’t wait till the day I wake up to his side every single day. To sad thoughts like the fact that if I want to be near my family I have to pack all my belongings & move along with my parents & leave my home, best friends & half of my heart behind. Being without either one kills me & I lay in bed right now with tears running down my cheeks because my best friends aren’t just random people; they somehow became my family, they’re my rock. They’ve saved me from my demons & I don’t think I can survive without having the privilege of hugging them when I’m at my lowest & highest parts of my life. Yet again I’m in love, I want to have a life filled with happiness with my fiancé, I want to enjoy my grandma & grandpa while they’re still around..I want to be with the family I only see for a month out of the entire year. I wish I could split myself into two. Keep one half in Michigan with my second family/super glue bulletproof rocks & the other half in Mexico with my family. I’m so broken I feel so hopeless.