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"Krist Perawat said he's never eaten Khanom jeen."
(an alternate ending to An Eye For An Eye, in which the five that arrives after the final jump is not a compound five, but just plain old 13 year old five. i’ll post on ao3 later when i think of a title)
“He should be arriving today, right?” Vanya asked. “I mean, do we know what time?”
“Yeah, I bet a lot of clocks survived the moon exploding,” Ben muttered.
“I’m just worried,” she snapped. “What if he got lost again or something?”
“We’re all worried, Vanya, but there’s nothing to do but wait and see what happens,” Klaus sighed from where he was building a card tower.
thanks to @iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid i am now thinking about post aefae/wuas eudora getting pregnant (i don’t think the other hargreeves kids are having children any time soon. luther and allison have claire, klaus and five are busy parenting themselves, vanya has been overshadowed all her life and probably just wants to chill and live her life with her gf, and ben’s taking this whole “not being dead” thing slow)
anyway, helen and vanya would probably be the first to know because it’s the easiest way to get an insider and outsider pov and also there’s no way helen and eudora don’t bond over what it’s like to date a neglected superhero with a temper
helen’s like “rip the bandaid off and record the reaction” and eudora’s like “NO”
but she does eventually just tell diego over dinner at some point
his reaction is to panic
whenever claire is visiting, it’s a group effort to keep her safe and entertained and he’s like “IT TAKES ALL 7 OF US TO RAISE ONE CHILD HOW WILL WE HAVE TWO”
then he realizes how many things he can throw as knives and moves on to the “EVERYTHING IS KNIVES??? HOW DO WE EVEN CHILDPROOF AN APARTMENT WHERE EVERTHING. IS. KNIVES. MY SUPERPOWER. IS KNIVES”
then there’s a whole phase of like “I CAN’T BE A FATHER I’VE NEVER EVEN MET A FATHER WHAT DO FATHERS EVEN DO”
after like three hours of him freaking out, eudora’s like “okay listen, if you’re not ready, we don’t have to have this baby” and he’s like “I’M NOT GIVING UP MY BABY????? HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK I WANT THAT?????” and she’s like “.....................” because he’s just spent three hours freaking out about how he can’t have a father
once he gets past the worst of the freak out (he’s never entirely past the freak out because he’s about to be a father and he doesn’t know how to be a father) though he’s the kind of person who like... eudora mentions she’s craving chocolate pudding and pasta and he’s like... out the window to get it for her i m m e d i a t e l y
i feel like she has a very chill pregnancy but every time anyone brings up anything about the particulars of pregnancy that might be dangerous or even just gross he’s like “WHAT”. definitely tries to be supportive with her at any doctor’s appointments and passes out at two of them
also passes out during the delivery and so klaus takes over in comforting eudora who nearly breaks his hand
then he sits in the corner with his child and cries about it for like twenty minutes before eudora’s like “please give me back our child which i just shoved out of my vagina before i hurt you”

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Speaking of Klaus haunting Five in Timeline 2, how did he feel watching Five make the same mistake he warned them against doing? Aka trusting Leonard
oh god i didn’t even think of that oh fuck
now i’m just imaging ghost klaus being like “OH NO” and then frantically trying to get five’s attention about leonard for all of the months they live together like “HEY. HEY FIVE. HEY.”
at some point with great effort he manages to knock over a trashcan and five’s like “huh that’s weird” and moves on bc he’s gotta gather food for the winter klaus is like “COME BACK HERE AND LISTEN TO ME THIS INSTANT” and then ends up sulkily walking back and forth through five just to live out his frustration and then when that does nothing he just lurks around leonard, glaring at him
oh wait because this is a klaus that has been personally murdered by leonard/harold after harold tortured his brother so he just lurks around being like “DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BROTHER AGAIN YOU SON OF A BITCH”
i have a lot of feelings about five in apocalypse 2 in aefae and nowhere to put them
hey who wants to know the funniest/saddest part of five having all his memories from all timelines at the end of aefae is?
no one? okay