As an international adoptee is waking up one day when you're around nine years old and suddenly realizing you're most likely never going to meet your biological family. All the stories you made up to yourself or to your friends about being the lost princess of your birth country and your biological family will find you when you reach certain age suddenly feel dumb and childish. You were an orphan in your birth country, unless you go look yourself nobody will find you. You have a new name anyways, the name your adoptive parents chose for you. How anyone of your biological family members will find you when they're looking with the name they gave you and not with the name that's now officially yours?
Growing older and understanding more about what is it to be a woman in this world especially a woman of colour and understanding your mother was most likely too young, too poor and lacked the support she would had needed to have a baby. Understanding your mother could have been manipulated onto giving birth and giving up the baby without even trying to be a parent first. Hoping you aren't result of rape, pedophilia or incest, hoping your father is an okay guy and not a monster. But fearing he is, because why else your mother would had given you away?
Growing up as an international adoptee is fearing your adoptive parents will give you up if you hurt their feelings or mess up in any way and being too scared to ask anything about your birth country, 'cause they can think you don't want to be in your new home with them. Wanting to ask them everything about your country but not daring to because you fear they'll just tell you they don't know or they'll get mad over it.
Growing up as an adoptee with siblings who are not adopted is trying to not be jealous or angry because your younger siblings have something you'll never have. A real, nuclear family. Going to family reunions becoming more and more difficult year after year because you're not their family member, not really. Having to explain to new people that these two white people are not just random couple tailing you but they're your parents. Having to explain to new people that you don't know why your parents adopted you, 'cause they never explained it to you.
Growing up as an international adoptee is hearing "Where are you from?", when the person asking just wants an explanation why your skin is dark but you're too tired of explaining and give lies as an answer because at the end of the day, you don't owe an explanation to your existence to total strangers. "Your [insert language that's not English] is really good", when the language in question is your first language, because the person speaking is so stuck in their own stereotypes and assumptions.
Growing up as an adoptee is getting tired of explaining to people why your siblings are pale like Snow White and you're dark like Tiana and just one day giving up and not explaining unless somebody asks directly the questions they want the answer for.
