#biologicals

isn't it so bizarre how most of adoption just falls on you, as the adoptee, to try and figure out what it has done to you, how to deal with it. neither adoptive nor birth families seem to really understand it and expect you, as the adoptee, to be the one to magically put things together like a jigsaw, it find all the pieces and force yourself into one space or the other and magically expect you to fit. and it's all entirely 100% up to you, like that family here won't help you and family there won't either. they won't understand it. it's all entirely up to yourself.

any other adoptee who is undergoing reunion/met their birth family get really unsettled after being in contact with them?

Em thường xuyên mơ về gia đình ruột thịt của em - thực tế và theo đúng diễn biến mà tôi nghĩ là có khả năng xảy ra nhất. Nhưng em không biết sự thật về mọi thứ thực sự như thế nào. Em sẽ không biết, vì không ai nói cho em biết điều gì cả.

starting a trace for the biologicals is so difficult because people say "please be sensitive and think about the impact it might have on the biologicals if you suddenly appear" "what about their right to privacy" "you're digging up the past by trying to search for them" HELLO? what about US as the adoptees? don't we have the right to search? don't we have the right to know our background? who considered US when we were placed into sets of arms after arms as babies? that is, even if we were babies when it happened. starting a trace for the biologicals is FRAUGHT with uncertainty, i'd love a bit of understanding but that's asking for too much, being adopted is always asking for too much because people just expect you to be content with where you are and be content with being made up with jigsaw puzzle pieces where the pieces are the same colour but not from the same set - i want to know the original set too to see where I come from. why do we have to consider the biological's feelings when they're the ones that started all of this somehow, why do we coddle them and have to consider their feelings and their right to privacy, WHAT ABOUT OURS?? WE came into this world suddenly, my future, my presence is NOT just someone's past.

today's my birthday

I got some bad news about home, and it makes me realise just how different that we are, and no matter how much I try, I'm never going to be like them, and I'm never going to truly understand.

I miss my mom and dad and my brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and all my relatives so very much, but I can't relate to you, I don't know you, I can't talk to you, I don't know how to relate to you, we're so different but we look the same, we have the same blood and DNA but I don't know you at all and you don't know me and I can't slot into your life and you can't slot into mine. I look at you through a screen through an app that will sell my data and I still can't understand you so we talk via text to speech robotic computer inhuman false voices, only the surface, never deeper. It's still like floating untethered in the sea and I don't know where I can land even though I found places to stay.