#acupunc

Supervillains are, obviously, not the most considerate people in the world. They steal, they kill, they unleash an army of mutant squids on a populace caught unawares, they loiter, and they do it all the absolute worst times. Like, how hard would it even be to just call up any given hero and try to coordinate schedules? It’s not hard at all. Bad guys are so rude. And so, as it so often happens, heroes need good excuses to extract themselves from any given situation in order to go and fight crimes. Sure you can go with the classics “I have to go to the bathroom now!” or “I think my mother is calling me!” or “My refrigerator is running and I’d better go catch it!” but after a while people will start to get suspicious. To circumvent that problem, or at the very least, delay it, we’ve devised a list of handy excuses sorted alphabetically by occupation (This way you can always blame work for ducking out of your important family functions. Then your family won’t hate you. They’ll just hate your job.)

B C D E

Accordion Player

A Pigini Mythos just went on sale. (Yeah that’s right, I did some accordion research. Trying to appeal to the accordion crowd. Accordion to the internet this is the rarest one. editor’s note: not everything has to be a pun Zach!)

Accountant

There is a graphing calculator related emergency I must leave!

Boring Convention™ the convention for boring people is being held right now. It’s a convention so boring that they didn’t even bother making a fun abbreviation like BoCon or BoCo. It just doesn’t deserve one. Anyway, bye.

Acrobat

There is a one-time-only dual sale on trapezes and leotards I need to go.

Hey there’s a super-battle going on, maybe the Amazing Death Defying Acro-Knight will be there and he can teach me how to do that super cool move he does where he does a backflip while kicking a bad guy in the face.

Actor

I was just offered to role of a supervillain in a new direct to DVD movie, I must go to the scene of this supervillain attack to do some research.

My director just called, she says that since we’ve blown through our special effects budget, we’re going to just film the latest disaster film at a real super-battle, wish me luck.

Actuary

I tried looking up what an actuary does and I got very bored, very fast. Just get up and walk out of your actuary cubicle and go save the world (wo)man.

K fine someone on the internet dumbed it down for me so here’s a “real” one: In order to properly determine the risk of death or injury in a super-battle I need to go get some hands on experience. (YAAAAAAAAWN)

Acupuncturist

That supervillain is clearly very stressed out. If I could just get down there, and stick some needles in them, I really think I could defuse the situation.

Doesn’t “acupuncturist” seem like it would have two c’s after the a, I’m going to go on a long etymological journey to discover why it doesn’t.

Addiction Counselors

One of my patients is addicted to super-battles. I need to go make sure they’re not there.

Administrative Worker

My Dictaphone, which I often use in my administrative work is “on the fritz.” I am going out to get a new one. Don’t wait up.

Admiral

That bad guy is attacking the water which is, of course, my domain.

The Navy is calling me.

That bad guy is attacking the land which is very close to the water which is, of course, my domain.

Admission Directors

I need keep changing my location constantly to avoid being hounded by parents of prospective students who are trying to get their children into my college.

One of my applicants put down “superhero” as one of his extra-curricular activities so I’ve been going to every superhero fight to make sure that that’s on the up and up. I haven’t seen him yet. He’s probably lying to me. This is almost definitely a huge waste of time.

Advertising

I want to go pitch these new sleeker and aerodynamic bottles to that bad guy. I think he’d like them. He could fill them with poisons or energy drinks or whatever it is bad guys drink or keep in bottles.

I think I could really improve this superhero’s “brand” like I don’t know, for some reason the blood stained viking helmet and iron trident he’s sporting aren’t really endearing him with the public.

Aerial Rigger

If I don’t replace those aerial masts nobody will. And you know what happens then? We lose communication in one of many buildings. And you know what happens then? Relationships breakdown. Communication is key folks. And I’m the key to that communication.

Agent

Do you think that superhero has representation?

Do you thank that supervillain has representation?

Do you think that cowering bystander has representation?

Do you think that police officer who is clearly way in over her head has representation?

Agronomist

There’s some seed farming that needs doing, and I, the world’s greatest agronomist (feel free to say this even if you’re not really the world’s greatest agronomist) am the only one who can properly determine the proper way to technologically do that.

Air Traffic Controller

DO YOU WANT PLANES TO CRASH BYE.

Airline Clerk

During a supervillain attack people are always in a rush to get out of the city and the only way to do that is to purchase airline tickets and I am the only person who is fit and capable enough to sell them those tickets.

Alchemist

I’m going to transfigure that bad situation into a good situation

Algebra Teacher

I’m going to go FOIL some crimes. (You’re allowed to give up your secret identity if you can make a really good pun while doing it.)

If I join that fight that bad guy could be defeating in only a fraction of the time.

I need to go subtract that bad guy from this town.

Allergist

The pollen count here is TOO DAMN HIGH. We all need to leave.

Ambulance Driver

Just go! Who the hell is going to stop an ambulance driver from leaving somewhere!

Anchorman

Wouldn’t this broadcast be way better if I was actually reporting from the scene of the battle?

(Wouldn’t this broadcast be way better if I was actually reporting while actually throwing punches at the bad guy at the scene of the battle?)

Anesthesiologists

Ok this one is kind of sketchy but in a pinch you could just dose everyone you’re with with anesthesia and then just duck out with no explanation… [Note: We are only recommending that you do this if you are a profession at anesthetizing people, no one else do this!]

Anger Management Counselor

Ok, this actual supervillain clearly has some unresolved anger issues. I must go where I’m needed.

Animator

If I don’t get to the office a cartoon character will die.

Announcer

I think we can all agree that super-battles would be a lot more fun to watch if someone with a nice deep buttery voice, someone such as myself, was there to announce the comings and goings of the various superpowered and/or costumed fighters.

Pigs. In. Spaaaaaaaaace. (Read it in the voice! Read it in the voice!)

Anthropologist

I’m leaving now. Don’t question it. It’s something I picked up while doing field work. Leaving abruptly. No one question it.

Arbitrator

Uh, I’m going to go arbitrate that superhero fight. (Pfft that was an easy one.)

Archeologist

Some guy just dug up some dinosaur bones and I am the only one who can guess how they fit together. I’m the best at guessing what dinosaurs looked like based on the bones we dig up. It’s like my thing. Ask anyone.

There’s a temple that needs exploring someone hand me my whip and my special hat.

Archer

I should get down to that battle, my bow and arrow skills may come in handy. (Hahahaha I’m kidding nobody’s going to believe this just say you’re going to the bathroom or something I dunno man.)

Architect

A building was just destroyed. It calls to me. For healing.

Archivist

Someone needs to go get a detailed record of this super battle… for the archives… why shouldn’t it be me.

Someone found something really old that needs to be stored. But not like in a museum where people can see it and enjoy it. And not like in a time capsule where it can be dug up in the future. I’m gonna go stick in the archive where if anybody ever wants to see it, they have to talk to me first. This is also, incidentally, a great way to make friends.

Art Critic

Someone’s just painted something. I can feel it inside of me. I must go insult it.

Art Restorer

Look at that, they’re fighting near a museum. I need to get down there in case some art gets damaged. In the art restoring business it’s first come, first served. 

Artist

I have been struck with a burst of creativity I must retreat now to my studio where I must not be disturbed! (Ideally there’d be a secret passageway to your hideout from your art studio.)

I have always wanted to paint a super-battle.

Artiste

Ie havee beene strucke withe ae burste ofe creativitye Ie muste retreate nowe toe mye studioe wheree Ie muste note bee disturbede!

Ie havee alwayse wantede toe painte ae supere-battlee

Assistant to the Regional Manager

I have the most important job in the office, where I go and when I go there is of no concern to you (Jim)!

Assemblyman/Assemblywoman

Look if a super-battle is going down you know somebody’s going to be assembling something.

Assassin

Uh, I’m going to go assassinate that supervillain... (are there many superhero assassins do you think?)

Astronaut

I am going to space.

Astronomer

 I am going to go look at space (no this one won’t work if you say that everyone’s going to want to come and look at space with you because space is rad.)

I am going to go look at telescopes (there we go.)

Astrologer

I don’t even have to come up for one for you guys. If anyone could think of a good lie on the spot it’s the people who come up with horoscope predictions.

Athletic Director

Wow those super-people look to be in relatively good shape, I should go scout them for my high school volleyball team 

Attack Drone

My programming requires that I leave immediately.

Beep bop beep boop. I’m leaving.

Auctioneer

I’m going once. I’m going twice. I’m gone.

Audiologist

It doesn’t actually matter what you say, most of the people you’re going to be with can’t hear well anyway.

Auditor

Wait a minute, I recognize this supervillain. I audited his evil agency. There is no way he could afford that giant badger mecha. Something is awry here. I must get to the office.

Author

The spirit of the pen has possessed me I must go and write right now.

A Japanese Method For Healing - Each Finger Is Tied To Two Organs

Jean Shin Jyutsu is a traditional Japanese healing art. It is an extremely simple practice that anybody can do themselves anywhere at anytime. It’s one of the most convenient forms of healing since it requires no drug or herb. Just two hands and a little know-how is all that’s needed to get lasting results.

To understand this most basic medicine, we must first understand the ancient Japanese medical philosophy. Basically, our bodies function by a paired organ system. Each organ has another organ partner, resulting in five pairs.

All of the paired organs harmonize with one another in a healthy balance. Each organ system has a specific pathway of energy, called a meridian, that travels the body. The energy that moves through the pathway is called Ki.

Each organ system also governs our emotional body. This bridges the gap between our physical body and our emotional body. When Ki flows properly through the meridians, we experience positive emotions, such as feelings of happiness and well-being. If Ki gets stuck, negative emotions arise, such as anger, fear and grief.

Emotions also have physical manifestations. When we are happy, we are generally healthy, but negative emotions have specific symptoms.

All of the meridians end on a corresponding finger. We have the ability to restore the proper flow of Ki by pressing on each finger depending on which emotion and resulting physical ailment we are experiencing. While breathing deeply and calmly, press on the tip of the finger with your thumb and index finger of the opposite hand. Do this for one to five minutes depending on how you feel.

A graph for seeing the correlations between each paired organ, the governing emotions, the physical symptoms and the finger looks like this:

Thumb – stomach and spleen – anxiety, nervousness and depression – stomach pain, cramps and indigestion. Index finger – kidneys and bladder – fear, disappointment, confusion and insecurity – muscle aches, toothaches and urinary tract disorders. Middle finger – liver and gallbladder – anger, irritability and indecision – frontal headaches, migraines, fatigue, skin problems, vision problems and menstrual irregularities. Ring finger – lungs and large intestine – sadness and grief – asthma, bronchitis, frequent sickness and ringing in the ears. Small finger – heart and small intestine – anxiety, nervousness, and a lack of self-confidence – heart disease, infections and bone disorders.

A full massage of all the fingers can help relax and harmonize the whole body. If there is pain in a certain spot, it usually indicates that there is stagnation of Ki in the area, and it needs to be pressed.

Jean Shin Jyutsu is used to facilitate healing on the emotional and physical levels as well as promoting general well-being.