#028 List of Handy Excuses (A)
Supervillains are, obviously, not the most considerate people in the world. They steal, they kill, they unleash an army of mutant squids on a populace caught unawares, they loiter, and they do it all the absolute worst times. Like, how hard would it even be to just call up any given hero and try to coordinate schedules? Itās not hard at all. Bad guys are so rude. And so, as it so often happens, heroes need good excuses to extract themselves from any given situation in order to go and fight crimes. Sure you can go with the classics āI have to go to the bathroom now!ā or āI think my mother is calling me!ā or āMy refrigerator is running and Iād better go catch it!ā but after a while people will start to get suspicious. To circumvent that problem, or at the very least, delay it, weāve devised a list of handy excuses sorted alphabetically by occupation (This way you can always blame work for ducking out of your important family functions. Then your family wonāt hate you. Theyāll just hate your job.)
BĀ CĀ DĀ E
Accordion Player
A Pigini Mythos just went on sale. (Yeah thatās right, I did some accordion research. Trying to appeal to the accordion crowd. Accordion to the internet this is the rarest one. editorās note: not everything has to be a pun Zach!)
Accountant
There is a graphing calculator related emergency I must leave!
Boring Convention⢠the convention for boring people is being held right now. Itās a convention so boring that they didnāt even bother making a fun abbreviation like BoCon or BoCo. It just doesnāt deserve one. Anyway, bye.
Acrobat
There is a one-time-only dual sale on trapezes and leotards I need to go.
Hey thereās a super-battle going on, maybe the Amazing Death Defying Acro-Knight will be there and he can teach me how to do that super cool move he does where he does a backflip while kicking a bad guy in the face.
Actor
I was just offered to role of a supervillain in a new direct to DVD movie, I must go to the scene of this supervillain attack to do some research.
My director just called, she says that since weāve blown through our special effects budget, weāre going to just film the latest disaster film at a real super-battle, wish me luck.
Actuary
I tried looking up what an actuary does and I got very bored, very fast. Just get up and walk out of your actuary cubicle and go save the world (wo)man.
K fine someone on the internet dumbed it down for me so hereās a ārealā one: In order to properly determine the risk of death or injury in a super-battle I need to go get some hands on experience. (YAAAAAAAAWN)
Acupuncturist
That supervillain is clearly very stressed out. If I could just get down there, and stick some needles in them, I really think I could defuse the situation.
Doesnāt āacupuncturistā seem like it would have two cās after the a, Iām going to go on a long etymological journey to discover why it doesnāt.
Addiction Counselors
One of my patients is addicted to super-battles. I need to go make sure theyāre not there.
Administrative Worker
My Dictaphone, which I often use in my administrative work is āon the fritz.ā I am going out to get a new one. Donāt wait up.
Admiral
That bad guy is attacking the water which is, of course, my domain.
The Navy is calling me.
That bad guy is attacking the land which is very close to the water which is, of course, my domain.
Admission Directors
I need keep changing my location constantly to avoid being hounded by parents of prospective students who are trying to get their children into my college.
One of my applicants put downĀ āsuperheroā as one of his extra-curricular activities so Iāve been going to every superhero fight to make sure that thatās on the up and up. I havenāt seen him yet. Heās probably lying to me. This is almost definitely a huge waste of time.
Advertising
I want to go pitch these new sleeker and aerodynamic bottles to that bad guy. I think heād like them. He could fill them with poisons or energy drinks or whatever it is bad guys drink or keep in bottles.
I think I could really improve this superheroāsĀ ābrandā like I donāt know, for some reason the blood stained viking helmet and iron trident heās sporting arenāt really endearing him with the public.
Aerial Rigger
If I donāt replace those aerial masts nobody will. And you know what happens then? We lose communication in one of many buildings. And you know what happens then? Relationships breakdown. Communication is key folks. And Iām the key to that communication.
Agent
Do you think that superhero has representation?
Do you thank that supervillain has representation?
Do you think that cowering bystander has representation?
Do you think that police officer who is clearly way in over her head has representation?
Agronomist
Thereās some seed farming that needs doing, and I, the worldās greatest agronomist (feel free to say this even if youāre not really the worldās greatest agronomist) am the only one who can properly determine the proper way to technologically do that.
Air Traffic Controller
DO YOU WANT PLANES TO CRASH BYE.
Airline Clerk
During a supervillain attack people are always in a rush to get out of the city and the only way to do that is to purchase airline tickets and I am the only person who is fit and capable enough to sell them those tickets.
Alchemist
Iām going to transfigure that bad situation into a goodĀ situation
Algebra Teacher
Iām going to go FOIL some crimes. (Youāre allowed to give up your secret identity if you can make a really good pun while doing it.)
If I join that fight that bad guy could be defeating in only a fraction of the time.
I need to go subtractĀ that bad guy from this town.
Allergist
The pollen count here is TOO DAMN HIGH. We all need to leave.
Ambulance Driver
Just go! Who the hell is going to stop an ambulance driver from leaving somewhere!
Anchorman
Wouldnāt this broadcast be way better if I was actually reporting from the scene of the battle?
(Wouldnāt this broadcast be way better if I was actually reporting while actually throwing punches at the bad guy at the scene of the battle?)
Anesthesiologists
Ok this one is kind of sketchy but in a pinch you could just dose everyone youāre with with anesthesia and then just duck out with no explanation⦠[Note: We are only recommending that you do this if you are a profession at anesthetizing people, no one else do this!]
Anger Management Counselor
Ok, this actual supervillain clearly has some unresolved anger issues. I must go where Iām needed.
Animator
If I donāt get to the office a cartoon character will die.
Announcer
I think we can all agree that super-battles would be a lot more fun to watch if someone with a nice deep buttery voice, someone such as myself, was there to announce the comings and goings of the various superpowered and/or costumed fighters.
Pigs. In. Spaaaaaaaaace. (Read it in the voice! Read it in the voice!)
Anthropologist
Iām leaving now. Donāt question it. Itās something I picked up while doing field work. Leaving abruptly. No one question it.
Arbitrator
Uh, Iām going to go arbitrate that superhero fight. (Pfft that was an easy one.)
Archeologist
Some guy just dug up some dinosaur bones and I am the only one who can guess how they fit together. Iām the best at guessing what dinosaurs looked like based on the bones we dig up. Itās like my thing. Ask anyone.
Thereās a temple that needs exploring someone hand me my whip and my special hat.
Archer
I should get down to that battle, my bow and arrow skills may come in handy. (Hahahaha Iām kidding nobodyās going to believe this just say youāre going to the bathroom or something I dunno man.)
Architect
A building was just destroyed. It calls to me. For healing.
Archivist
Someone needs to go get a detailed record of this super battle⦠for the archives⦠why shouldnāt it be me.
Someone found something really old that needs to be stored. But not like in a museum where people can see it and enjoy it. And not like in a time capsule where it can be dug up in the future. Iām gonna go stick in the archive where if anybody ever wants to see it, they have to talk to me first. This is also, incidentally, a great way to make friends.
Art Critic
Someoneās just painted something. I can feel it inside of me. I must go insult it.
Art Restorer
Look at that, theyāre fighting near a museum. I need to get down there in case some art gets damaged. In the art restoring business itās first come, first served.Ā
Artist
I have been struck with a burst of creativity I must retreat now to my studio where I must not be disturbed! (Ideally thereād be a secret passageway to your hideout from your art studio.)
I have always wanted to paint a super-battle.
Artiste
Ie havee beene strucke withe ae burste ofe creativitye Ie muste retreate nowe toe mye studioe wheree Ie muste note bee disturbede!
Ie havee alwayse wantede toe painte ae supere-battlee
Assistant to the Regional Manager
I have the most important job in the office, where I go and when I go there is of no concern to you (Jim)!
Assemblyman/Assemblywoman
Look if a super-battle is going down you know somebodyās going to be assembling something.
Assassin
Uh, Iām going to go assassinate that supervillain... (are there many superhero assassins do you think?)
Astronaut
I am going to space.
Astronomer
Ā I am going to go look at space (no this one wonāt work if you say that everyoneās going to want to come and look at space with you because space is rad.)
I am going to go look at telescopes (there we go.)
Astrologer
I donāt even have to come up for one for you guys. If anyone could think of a good lie on the spot itās the people who come up with horoscope predictions.
Athletic Director
Wow those super-people look to be in relatively good shape, I should go scout them for my high school volleyball teamĀ
Attack Drone
My programming requires that I leave immediately.
Beep bop beep boop. Iām leaving.
Auctioneer
Iām going once. Iām going twice. Iām gone.
Audiologist
It doesnāt actually matter what you say, most of the people youāre going to be with canāt hear well anyway.
Auditor
Wait a minute, I recognize this supervillain. I audited his evil agency. There is no way he could afford that giant badger mecha. Something is awry here. I must get to the office.
Author
The spirit of the pen has possessed me I must go and write right now.
Tune in next time where we tackle all of the B occupations (well ok, next post is actually going to be about alien invasions, weāll probably do one of these like once a month or something.) If you have an A job that isnāt represented here (speaking of representation, Iām pretty sure there isnāt any difference between an attorney and a lawyer so youāll have to wait like a year til we get to L.) By all means, contact us. Or just stay put and never go off to do superhero stuff. Or come up with your own excuses.











