#actuallygrace

I’ve initiated sex and dissociated out of my head, moreso than any other time; felt a total mind-body disconnect, not present or grounded but floated, not disinterested but actively repulsed. And I kept going because I initiated and had made The Decision and Wanted To for my partner.

I’ve tried to push through a period where I was repulsed, where my partner suggested I leave their room so they could masturbate, and I chose to stay and then offered to help and then dissociated as I got more involved. (Wrote a semi-explicit prose piece about this one, to preserve it for myself among other things.)

I’ve been drunk and initiated, or been initiated with, both with and without prior discussion. I’ve drunk with an ex and been totally surprised by and receptive to their advances (although it meant cheating on my then-partner, and had I been sober I would’ve handled it infinitely differently, and knowing now I would not have gotten drunk).

I’ve consented with the agenda of pushing my own boundaries, beyond exploring into actively trying to alter/correct my experience via willpower. Sometimes I’ve confided this with my partner, sometimes not.

And all of this (and more) was while steeped in ace discourse, identifying as ace-spectrum, and being very out and communicative with my partners about all that.

Now. I don’t especially, blame? any of my partners? (Excluding this one stranger asshole with alcohol, bleh.) And I don’t think I’m internalizing or victim-blaming, probably?

Generally my partners did the best they could, were very considerate, were horrified at the prospect of bad consent, of “being a rapist accidentally” (and said as much). My greyness, disabilities, mindstates, upbringing, information, context, unpredictability—all made and make it very difficult.

And any time I brought up less-than-perfect consent, or even regret, it usually meant an end to all sexual activity with that partner, because I was too risky. Never mind when I could give good or enthusiastic consent. (Of course, I'm sure it didn’t help that I talked about being unable to guarantee my consent--but hey, literal-minded me, how can anything like that be guaranteed?)

So I stopped talking about it. Thinking, even.

I don’t know that anything could’ve been done better. Aside from listening without freaking out, anyway. Reading my signals better? Training to recognize my dissociation? I would’ve strongly resisted removing alcohol altogether, as it was my primary mechanism for engaging in sex, but, better boundaries? No firsts, no unestablished relationships or protocols, with alcohol involved?

Hindsight, 20/20, blah blah.

I briefly mentioned repulsion above. I’ve experienced sex-repulsion in phases, including with people I’ve been sexually attracted to. Not just uninterested or not in the mood, but deeply repulsed, by them and by genitals and by sex in general.

Which, lemme tell ya, is a bizarre experience. So much I invested into my partners because they were that rare-as-diamonds target of my (semi-clear) sexual attraction, and for that to suddenly switch off? What the fuck? For how long, how do I turn it back on or predict or adjust? (And the flipside, I've also been freaked out by how sexual I've gotten, felt stuck in on-mode--heavily influenced by OCD intrusive sexual thoughts. Yayyy switchflips.)

So. One point: “sex-favorable” especially as equated with “(consensually) sexually active” — gross. As with my critiques of “sex-positive” and "enthusiastic consent," consent is not a binary of yes/no, and oversimplification actively hurts people like me. (And no, whatever replacement word is no good, not if it still means “is generally up for sex” or even “enjoys sex.” The twisting into "sexually available" is inevitable.) (And no, don't try to coopt me into your idea of "qualifying" as repulsed.)

I’m still not sure how to talk about this stuff. How to label it, where to take it, how to talk at all. Was this just bad sex? Dysfunctional? Is it related to survivor experiences even tangentially? Was/is it “more” tied to my grey-aceness, my disabilities, my repressed upbringing, my lack of a high school / age-appropriate exploration phase (and resources), compulsory sexuality and cliqueness in queer/trans community?

Regardless, I. Want to see more discussion, of imperfect consent. Especially without blame, of me or my partners. Without polarization into rape versus perfect consent.

I know it’s obviously incredibly hard to talk about this. *waves!* (And huge props to Queenie, whose post sparked this whole train of thought for me.)

I’m not pushing. But I am inviting. And asking that our discourse, how we frame consent and sex and repulsion, adapt and integrate my and similar experiences. That we depolarize.