#actually ocspec

admitting that it's probably ocd is the most well-adjusted way of going about things but I think it's more fun to refer to it as "the wretched specter of sigmund freud that has nested inside my mind like a rat infestation"

oh no it's I Can't Look At Anyone (Or Even Remain Within Line Of Sight Of Them For Too Long) Or Else They'll Think I'm Being A Pervert hours

when the fucking paranoia hits. hurghhhh I feel like I'm in an episode of the twilight zone (in that anything - especially something disturbing - can happen, and the world operates by dream logic). all this because my parents didn't respond when I said "love you, g'niiight" on my way up the stairs (like we do every night) and I resisted the urge to go check on them. on the one hand I know that they were probably just asleep because it was like midnight and checking if they were ok would just wake them up and annoy them. but on the other hand what if I'm suddenly the only human left in existence and I didn't even notice my parents' disappearance until the next morning and I'm going to feel horrible for not noticing that

intrusive thoughts that are like "what if you did/said x morally reprehensible thing" suck but also I HATE the ones that are like "hey. remember that bad texture that really freaks you out. you're going to feel that sense-memory now". FUCK off.

hate how my brain imposes arbitrary rules on my behavior that I can't explain to anyone else for fear of making a fool of myself. I can't do any of the things I want to do right now because I have to finish listening to this playlist before I can do anything that would interrupt the music. I have lost many hours and even days of my life to this specific rule

is last.fm making my ocd symptoms worse? MAYBE! am I going to stop using it? NOPE!