Would you ever write ace bitty? Where after he figured out he was gay, everything felt right for a little, but then started feeling wrong again because he was ace. And then he's super worried about coming out about it to Jack because he's fine with making out and all the stuff before it, but after, he wants no part. (I'm not projecting this coming out to a partner anxiety, what are you talking about?)
So, anon. I was really, really excited about this prompt, but you happened to ask exactly the right thing at exactly the wrong time. It clashed with some real life events in the worst possible way, which is why it took so long to get to you.Ā [weāll just call this an AU of the same conversation i had with my own partner]cw: mention of rape (in a general discussion about consent way)
By all rights, Bitty should have been happy. He should have been ecstatic. It was his senior year, he was captain of the hockey team, he was in a relationship with a wonderful, loving, amazing man. He was out to his friends. He was finally, finally living the life he always hoped he could have been never thought he would.
Butā¦ he wasnāt happy. Somehow, he still felt like he was living a lie. Not exactly the same lie he was living back in Georgia, but almost worse in a way. Because it wasnāt the lie he had grown up telling himself, then telling his family. No, it was something that he was keeping from that wonderful, amazing man.
Despite all the joking around that the team did about him and Jack and their sex life, it wasnāt exactly the active thing they thought it was. No, Jack and Bitty had intercourse exactly once, and never again. Not for lack of trying (on Jackās part, at least). But between both of their busy lives, it was never a problem that had come up, really. And, well, it was never really a problem for Bitty at all.
They made it work with cuddles and the occasional Skype sexā¦ or, well, that implied that it was a two-way thing, and mostly it was just enthusiastic participation on Jackās end and encouragement on Bittyās.
But, somehow the fates had aligned and both men had time off, and time alone. Bitty was the first to move into the Haus by about a week, so that he could get it ready for the school year and psych himself up for being captain. The Falcs werenāt quite into their regular training schedule yet, so Jack managed to take a few days off to help move Bitty in. And to spend some much needed time together.
And that probably, definitely, meant sex.
The thing was, thoughā¦ Bitty liked the way he fit under Jackās arm and the feeling of a warm body pressed against his while they watched silly youtube videos. He even liked the feeling of Jackās lips pressed against his and big hands running up and down his back and his sides. The rest of it, thoughā¦
Bitty was happy with just the cuddling and sweet kisses. Just cuddles and kisses. That was all he wanted. And he didnāt know how to tell Jack, who he was in a relationship, that he no longer wanted that it to include sex.
It felt like a huge giant lie. Jack had entered into their relationship under the impression that there would be a sexual component to it. For a full year, Bitty had lied about it. Well, maybe not lied, because he definitely thought that was something he wanted at first. But misrepresented.
Bitty knew that Jack was going to be there any minute to help him unpack everything, but he just couldnāt find the energy in himself to get up. In his head, Bitty was just reserving the energy he had for the impending conversation he knew he would have to have with Jack. In reality, that wasnāt quite the case, but it never really hurt to tell yourself a small lie like that.
He tried hard to organize the thoughts in his head, to find a way to explain how he was feeling without making Jack feel like he was lied to or taken advantage of. He tried to think of a way to explain that he really thought he was gay, for 20 years thatās the label he gave himself, and now he was maybe reconsidering? Gosh, even thinking the word asexual made him cringe.
It wasnāt that he thought there was anything wrong with being asexual. He knew that Dex was, and Shitty would just about have a field day if he knew that Bitty was even thinking along those lines. No, that wasnāt what he was having a problem with. His problem was that he had always been so sure that he was gay.
The slamming of the front door knocked Bitty out of his thoughts. He wasnāt prepared, not in the least, and yet there was Jack calling out to him. āBitty, you here?ā
He could tell Jack had been spending a lot of time with Marty lately, his accent was so much thicker than normal.
āIn here, sweetheart.ā
Jack a few steps up the staircase, probably on his way to Bittyās room. Bitty tracked his movement by sound, but didnāt turn around to watch his boyfriend enter the living room. He couldnāt look at Jack, not if he wanted to get through this talk without breaking down before it even happened.
After a few seconds, Jack was behind the couch pressing a soft kiss to the top of Bittyās head. It nearly broke him.
āHey, honey.ā Bitty finally turned to look at Jack and felt tears forming in his eyes. Oh, this was gonna be a mess and a half.
Jack looked beautiful, as always. Being with the Falconers, despite the increased pressure, had done so right by him. He was thicker and more muscular than even six months ago, and the off season left him with a tan that made his blue eyes practically glow.
Of course, the minute he saw Bittyās face, the wide smile he wore fell and he immediately sat down next to Bitty on the couch (and if him sitting on the nasty green couch wasnāt an indication that something was wrong, really what was?).
Bitty put a hand on Jackās knee. āUm, actually. We need to talk.ā
Jack slouches in on himself. āOh. Uh, okay.ā
All of Bittyās planning went straight out the window. Before he realized he was even doing it, his mouth was spouting every thought in his head.āI lied to you. And I understand if you want to break up with me. I totally get it, and Iām pretty sure the only reason Iām not breaking up with you is because Iām selfish. Iām real selfish, Jack.ā
Jack go a hurt look on his face that Bitty only saw there once before when he was talking about Kent Parson, and he had never hated himself more for being the one to put it there. He never, ever wanted to see Jack so hurt, especially because of him.
And of course, Jack was just as supportive and amazing as ever. He placed one of his own hands over Bittyās, where it rested, clenched, on his thigh. āWhatever the problem is, Bittle, we can deal with it.ā
A little part of Bitty knew that Jack calling him Bittle wasnāt strange or abnormal. Heck, he was still Bittle more often than Bitty. But in that moment, a huge part of him screamed that it was Jackās way of creating distance, of falling back into an unfamiliar name so that he would have an easier time breaking up with Bitty.
He could feel a single tear rolling down his cheek, but didnāt bother to wipe it away. More would just come to replace it anyway. āI know that we had a lot of plans for this week, the time we have together. And I still want to spend every little second I can with you! Butā¦ but I donāt want to have sex.ā
Jackās face went from the painfully blank expression to confused. There was a little wrinkle between his eyebrows that, on any other day, Bitty would run a finger over to relax the muscles there.
āBittle. Bitty, thatās okay. We donāt have to rush into anything. I donāt have a problem with waiting if thatās what you want.ā
āNo, Jack. I donāt want to wait. I donāt want to have sex at all. I, um. When I told you I was gay, I think I lied to you. I did lie to you. I love you to death, but I just donāt wantā¦ that. Ever. I think Iām asexual.ā
Bitty looked down at where their hands were joined. He couldnāt bear to look at Jackās face. He already knew what it would look like. That same carefully blank expression he had on earlier, the one that said he was upset. Or maybe he would be outright angry, rage painted on his face in a way that was usually saved for the ice.
They sat there like that for longer than Bitty thought he could stand. He couldnāt be the one who broke the silence, but he flinched when Jack did.
āEric, look at me.ā Eric. God, that hurt. āPlease, please look at me.ā
Bitty couldnāt deny that urgent tone in Jackās voice, and he couldnāt delay the inevitable. He lifted his tear-filled eyes to meet Jackās. Instead of blank or even angry, like he thought he would find, Jackās expression was something Bitty had never seen before. It was serious andā¦ hurt?
āI donāt care about that, okay? I love you, and I donāt care about the sex. But please, please tell me that the time we did, and the skypeā¦ I wasnāt forcing you, was it? Did I pressure you into it? I didnāt, did I?ā
Bittyās eyes went wide with horror. āNo! Baby, no, not at all. I promise, I never felt pressure about anything.ā
Jack pulled him into a tight hug and he couldnāt hold back anymore. Bitty started crying. If someone asked, there was no way he could name everything he was feeling in that moment. He was still so scared that their relationship wouldnāt work out, that this would end up coming between them. And he was so happy that Jack said he didnāt care about sex, even if Bitty was pretty sure he had no idea what all that entailed. He was relieved that this whole conversation was done and over with. He was nearly giddy with how well it had went.
And above all else, Bitty felt loved. He felt secure and supported, and he felt like he was exactly where he was supposed to be, in Jackās arms.
