i see people having their hearts broken because they put themselves out there so much and seeing their pain makes me uncomfortable, and my survival instincts tell me i don’t want that to happen to me. so i don’t put myself out there, don’t let people see how things affect me to the point of not being able to express emotions even though by social standards, i should. i can love someone with all my heart and they’d never know because i can’t express it because my brain tells me if i do that, Bad Things happen. why am i expecting the worst? because if i do, the good things seem so much bigger, so much more satisfying. and i like to be satisfied more than being disappointed. my life would be so much better if i just put myself out there? why? because yours is? we’re not the same. for me, people knowing how i feel makes me anxious. makes me so anxious i don’t want to talk to them anymore. because my brain tells me if people know, Bad Things happen. because i told my brain to tell me that. because i’m protecting myself. it’s my choice. i want to be this way. there’s nothing wrong with it and i’m sick and tired of having people tell me “it’s okay to cry” or “it’s okay to express how you feel”. i know its okay. i chose not to. don’t force me to change.

Okay, so I just went to my first GSA meeting, and Iiterally started crying. Can someone explain to me why that was the first time I have heard students and teachers actively talking about trying to encourage acceptance? Like, just being in that room made me so happy, and I feel like I shouldn’t have to be in a special club for that to happen.