#accidental vent

update: i cried bc my favorite gave me a hug and in the same class i have my ex and she said she wants me to hate her and hit her and curse her out and that she regrets breaking up w me bc it hurt me. i dont want that. i cant do this. i cant get back w her. im not going down that road again. i dont regret her but i cant go back

mb I wasn't online today xD

here's a cookie for u

enjoy :DD

(Thank you...

I'm totally not having a meltdown thinking a mutual of mine got scared away from the ask blog from the chapter finale because they just aren't online today, so I totally didn't need this 🙃

Meanwhile, urs has fucking fallen to pieces and u have either cried so much u can't anymore or cry more than u used to and u have to do it alone coz u might be an ugly crier or u may be judged and/or unsafe to do so... plus that u already hate urself enough for everyone else and they js add to it.

"haha. yeah, I'm fine. sorry, dw abt it, i js over exaggerate a lot..." u lie.

"yeah, so stfu and listen to my problems for once." they say for the millionth time. (unless they nicer or whatev and just "okay" or "mhmm")

u proceed to sit there silently while they blab abt smth else or both in silence and internally ur mind is fighting between "BITCH, NO TF I'M NOT. NOTICE ME FOR ONCE." and "OH, YOU KNOW THEM... U SAID U WERE FINE SO UR FUCKING ALRIGHT."

The point is, im severely lacking on money because I dont get a weekly fund to survive while staying with my parents and the time is too short for me to find a job and then just leave, which means my spending is cut to nothing basically, I go about 2 months on just xmax money and that means like 50 dolars maximun

But also, my usual ways of doing little good deeds was thru money, of helping as much as I could was with money, which I cant do anymore so Ive besn trying to find other ways

So far Ive gotten:

Spending time with my sister, trying to let her know I care about her despite how rude she is to me, example: today I sat for 3 hours and followed her every word to make an edit, mine was very shitty but still fun

Say hi and smile to everyone, at least here is still small enough to be rude if I didnt do that anyway, but I havenoticed it makes some peoples day, unfortunally it also means some old creeps think Im nice, Im not and I have let em know

Do chores, which is already expected of me since Im living bere but still, I like to wash dishes and organize in general, I also act as a babysitter for my baby nephew as often as possible, which is daily since my sister lives next door

I share a lot, not because I want to but I pretend I do, I share my pc with my sister and nephew cuz they like to play roblox horses games, I have shared my hobby of journalling with my sister and sold her a little notebook to start for dirt cheap, I also share advice! Legal or just general with people, specially my parents because technology is killing their brain, specially tiktok, fuck it

I finished 5th semester, that shit almost finished me but I got all my grades high and only got high once

Remember that ex, lit the only person I talk about around here? WELL WE ARE TALKING AGAIN thats is about to be its own post cuz is a long story but yes, I dont take critisism

Christmas happened, I got skates and my very own air fryer cuz Im an independant adult who cooks

I started playing Hogwarts Legacy cuz it was gifted in Epic, everyone knows, but I didnt know it was so damn addictive I have 14 hours already and its been like 3 days, not even half way thru the story btw

Also, since Im stating the vacations with my parents (and sister) I have been thrown back in time to when I was about 12, cuz shit is the same and I still think they should get divorced

I hope she is doing great, I hope she fucking improved in everything, I hope she became a great artist, a good person, a nice girlfriend and a better daughter, I really do

I hope her life is a lot better now, cuz I feel a little bit like it was me holding her back, taking up her time and energy and maybe now that she is on her own, its better

I really hope shes doing better now

But at the same time I have that ugly feel in the bottom of my stomach, really really in the back that says constantly that it wasnt me and that my presence wont be the think to make a difference

And I dont know if its out of hatred, selfishness or self doubt, I dont understand that stupid feel or why Im sure she hasnt changed one bit, no matter how much I wish she had

I have no idea about any of it btw, this is based on vibes and my very limited knowledge of knowing her about 6 years, but the vibe tells me that, she hasnt changed, not for better but hopefully not for worse

I feel like a bad person for saying all this cuz I have no idea, honestly I shouldnt even be thinking about her anymore, its been long enough, yet here I am