#acceptance?

Charlie Hunnam in Jungleland

Honestly, the weirdest thing to come out of our collective obsession with ATLA is that I will never get rid of my association with a certain flying bison. I’ve seen a post or two about how funny it is that in Korean ‘Appa’ means dad and what not, and while that may be true to an extent, based on my limited knowledge from watching Korean shows, the spelling might be there, but the pronunciation is off. The ‘a’ sound is shorter and clipped compared to how the name is pronounced in ATLA. You don’t pronounce the double p...it’s more like a double ‘a’ really.

But

There is a word that’s soooo common in my life that it is essentially one of my identities. 

To indicate an older sister in Urdu (probs Hindi too) one says “apa” (pronounced just like our fave flying bison). For example, if X is an older sis type, like even a cousin, you would say ‘X apa’ to indicate the age difference & respect or whatever. 

However, in some cases, when you are the main older sister to someone, they might just refer to you as ‘Apa.’ You are THE Apa. 

I HAVE BEEN APA MY ENTIRE LIFE! DO YOU KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS IT IS THAT MY BROTHERS CALL ME THAT AND THEN ATLA COMES ALONG AND NOW I’M A FLYING BISON???

“OH WHICH CHARACTER IN ATLA WOULD YOU BE?” 

12 yo me: APPARENTLY I’M ALREADY ONE CUZ I’M FREAKIN APPA!!!

I’ve had to come to terms with this truth over the years, realizing I can’t escape it. I’ve had to recognize the amazingness that is Appa the flying bison, and embrace my identity.

I am Appa. And Apa is me.

Apa is Appa

This occurs a few days after Paige has told Jefferson to stay away.

Ever since Ruby so conveniently and inadvertently released her inner wolf and fainted, thus leading Jefferson into the hospital which he had so vehemently declared he was not going into, his latent cursed side had been getting antsy. Add into that Fiona's threats to do harm if he persisted in spreading the word about the curse and getting too comfortable around 'Paige' and their subsequent falling out, Jeff was becoming more vocal in Jefferson's mind. 

Jefferson had no fear that his cursed side would take over. No. It wasn't that. But ideas popped into his mind that he was certain were not normally his. Thoughts about the other house, Jeff's ‘slum,’ wondering if he'd made the car payment that month, if he'd remembered to take the dumpster to the street curb. Things he'd never think to worry over were popping up. 

It was perfectly logical and easily explained without involving magic as the reason. He could recognize this as a method of self preservation. Jefferson's heart hurt. He'd lost Grace to Paige and the Black Fairy's tricks right before his eyes and she now hated him just as he feared she would. It was his fault for getting involved. But she had been so lonely and unhappy before. "And now how is she? Worse than ever." Self preservation? He'd prefer this pain to forgetting her to Jeff. No, he wouldn't let Jeff come back. It's too easy to forget, just as he'd told Regina on Miner's Day. Grace may not believe him, but he remembers. He'd remember for the both of them because he'd never give her up. Not for adoption, and not when she hates him. Love moves past those impediments. One day she'll remember again. 

This is a moody teenager phase she's going through, that's all. Nothing to do with the curse. What curse? Until then... it might just be trash pick up day. It would be wise to get rid of all that crap Jeff hadn't bothered to clean up. While Jeff may have become vocal in his subconscious for self preservation, Jefferson didn't bother to push the origin of those thoughts away. It didn't matter. He'd already embraced the fact that Jeff is part of who he is and vice versa. He did not fear a complete switch because it wouldn't happen anymore. What he needed was a distraction from the hole in his chest where his heart had been. So, when he was putting old take out boxes in a garbage bag, his eyes met clean white fabric hanging over a door hook. The scrubs. 'Get in that building and go to work!' Ruby had yelled at him. Jefferson let out a laugh in remembrance. She had gotten him in that building alright. Checking the time, it would be time for his shift soon... 

The last bit of garbage taken care of, Jefferson quickly showered and dressed in the scrubs. "What the hell," he muttered to himself part in resignation and part in curiosity as his fingers flipped the last button through the buttonhole. "What's really the worst that can happen now?" Had he just gone to work, he wouldn't be in this predicament with Grace in the first place. But wasn't that giving up? With his neck visible, Jefferson drove towards the hospital. He didn't have to be subconscious over the scar, his reminder every time he saw it in the mirror that he had abandoned Grace. Jeff hadn't cared about the scar. Jefferson does. It wasn't like he was going to see her. She's the only one he cares about not seeing it. The rest of them? Nope. Not at all.

Just his luck, his staff parking lot pass wasn't scanning so he can't park there. Parking lot may be full, too. Either way, it wasn't opening the gate. If Ruby had his pass revoked, he'd give her a piece of his mind. So it was back to the grocery store for him to park and walk the rest of the way. For a hospital so desperate for help, they were sorely tempting him to turn the car around and just go home. Maybe burn the scrubs this time so he will have less temptation in returning. Slipping his shades over his eyes, Jefferson exited the car and headed for the hospital. He won't look at the grocery. That's where he met Grace again. Or Paige really. She was Paige then. His mouth twitched in thought over the surprised expression she wore when he looked at her, also surprised. He couldn’t really regret their time, could he?

Gods, he missed her.