#abeetext

Physically- I am tired today was long and hard. Not in a physical way but an emotional way.

Mentally- I feel less burnt out now though since I cried a lot out about a big huge wound.

Emotionally- I feel as though I have been running from this wound forever and now I am ready to just surrender to it. Too tired to keep running, yet determined to sustain long enough to get gold.

Spiritually- Stronger than I did when I woke up. Sometimes leaning into the body, the cellular feeling of understanding is the strongest orientation tool.  

I was presented with a fork one that would alter the current course of my life. I had to stand tall and make a decision about who I am. What path I want to take be choice not circumstance, because awakening is a choice. This growth thing is exhausting. I have deep feelings in so many conflicting directions. Some of these feelings aren’t serving who I am becoming so I have to let them go. It’s hard to let go of anything even emotions that do not serve. I feel like it is a trauma response to not feel good about letting anything go. Isn’t that the reason we stay in abusive relationships. It is easier to patch our minds and souls to accept horrible treatment/ behaviors from ourselves or other’s instead of divorce our hearts from parts of its network. And let go we must because the path is long and will become impossible if we do not unburden ourselves from the dilemma’s of our shadows.

So here and now I chose to unburden myself of the dilemma’s of jealousy and agenda.

OK allll cured!!!! I will no longer self sabotage my important relationships!!! YAY!!!!! No... Right... Not how it works? Needs time, contemplation, and lived experiments? Got it; so I am going to be dancing this dance forever AND it will get easier AND it will never go away AND it will change and evolve just like Me! Ahhh it is enough to make my head spin; for me to start doubting why even play this game of growth. Then I remember that living unawake is not an option for me I’ve carried this energy here from the stars. I am just not too sure what I am supposed to be doing with it yet....