#ab lobcorp

Abelhok Commission do not use plz

Benjamin looked down at his breakfast, the thought of something inside of him, the thought of being full, he can’t– he can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t he can’t. 

He stirred the spoon around, and around, in the cup of coffee, making nothing but a screeching sound in the end. Ayin looked up, his lover completely zoned out, losing himself in his thoughts. Toast left uneaten and a coffee seemingly going cold. He looked tired, of course he did.

“You don’t look too well, I have noticed.” Ayin spoke up, causing Benjamin to jump out of his somewhat soulless stance, he took a heavy breath in. “Have you been taking care of yourself while I’ve been working?”

He turned his head, smiled weak and weary, insisting towards Ayin he was okay and must be sick. Ayin tutted and sighed, “You’re more than numbers.”

At the words, Benjamin lost his will to speak, staying quiet. Not breathing, at least, that he knew of, not moving, just, staring, mindlessly.

The silence was broken with, “How long?”

Benjamin bit the inside of his mouth, chewing the skin, keeping his head down. Guilt was eating up inside of him. “Benji, please, eat.”

Ayin stood up from the table, the chair screeching against their kitchen floor, it always did that. Did it? Benjamin can hardly remember. Ayin walked towards Benjamin, slowly, he was still zoning out, kind of. It was a mix of, he was there, but not there. Benjamin’s hands trembled, Ayin stood behind him, wrapping his hands around Benjamin’s waist.

“How long, Benjamin?” Ayin asked again, slightly firmer this time. Benjamin wasn’t even sure himself. He kept losing and regaining the same amount of weight, his legs felt weak from going a couple of days without food. This was the one day Ayin was going into work later than usual and he couldn’t even put on a facade, he couldn’t even do anything right in front of him. Benjamin’s jaw clenched, he truly was a failure. 

The clinking of the spoon against the mug, Ayin right behind him, Ayin holding him, the thoughts racing across his head, the stomach pain, the empty stomach. It was all too much, Benjamin just wanted to disappear, that’s all he wanted. He let go of the spoon, leaving it to clash against the mug once more, Ayin pulled away slightly, keeping his arms lazily dragged around Benjamin’s waist, keeping his distance, but still holding him close.

A pit opened in Benjamin’s stomach, not from hunger, not from craving, from anxiety. It was eating him whole, exactly like a snake would devour its prey. He brought a hand up to scratch his collar bone, shaking all over before muttering out ‘a day’, it was quiet, but loud enough for Ayin to hear. He gently put his hand around his own neck, almost softly, quietly comforting himself. 

He trembled as Ayin moved, moving next to his partner with one arm holding him close. Ayin picked up one slice of the toast in front of the two of them, carefully poking one of the corners at Benjamin’s mouth, just for Benjamin to shake his head subtly, Ayin’s face contorted into one of concern before taking a bite of Benjamin’s toast, then, crudely speaking with his mouth open.

“Hey, it’s our fourth year together, right? Did you book a reservation like usual?” 

Benjamin nodded, and Ayin smiled in response, taking another bite of the toast once swallowing, then kissing Benjamin on the cheek, once again speaking with his mouth open, telling Benjamin he should try and eat something today, even if it’s small–Benjamin nodded in response.

It was somewhat true, he’d eat tonight, while they’re at dinner, yes. That’s perfect. 

Once Ayin properly left the house, Benjamin’s phone went off while he was pouring the cold coffee down the sink, disheartened that he had wasted it. He left the mug in the sink for now, he’ll wash it up later, Benjamin picked up his phone and looked at the notification, he had two come through. One from Ayin and the other from Carmen.

Ayin’s message read along; “Hey sweetheart, I just arrived at work, since you’ve had the past few days off, and I know, I ask everyday, it must be getting tiring, but do you want anything when I get back? It is a special day, after all, you do deserve a treat.”

Benjamin’s face contorted into guilt, ‘you deserve a treat’, played in his head. He didn’t deserve anything, he was a failure in all sorts of ways. He tried to get better, and failed miserably. His work performance is deteriorating. It’s getting harder to get out of bed everyday, he misses himself. He doesn’t deserve anything, not Ayin, not friends, not a steady job, nothing. He shouldn’t even be alive right now. He gulped, loud enough for it to echo around the whole house before responding to Ayin’s message with, “I love you, no thank you,” which finished with a grey heart emoji.

He closed the messages, moving to Carmen’s unread message, she was saying she also had today off and wondered if Benjamin wanted to go out to get Ayin a couple of gifts for their date. Admittedly, Benjamin had forgotten to prepare a nice gift for Ayin, his relapse, work stress, just everything. He didn’t mean to but he’s glad Carmen reached out to ask, she always did. She did this for friendship anniversaries too. Benjamin responded to the message, a yes, she then immediately responded, saying she’s just about to leave.

While waiting for Carmen, Benjamin pulled himself from the kitchen to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. It was subtle, but his hair was thinning, again. His relationship with food will never be the same, that guilt after eating will always linger, the craving of water on an empty stomach, the restrictions. It’s never enough to go away, but it’s never enough to be good enough for Benjamin. He snapped himself out of his thoughts, turning the tap on and soaking his hand, leaning down into the sink and wiping his face, rather vigorously, as if he was trying to sort out an itch. Yet there was no itch, he was reaching for a sensation of pain, just to end up satisfactory.

The cool water felt refreshing, he wished it was colder, harder, and stinging to the touch. Cracking his fingers while standing at the sink, pulling on them, he had nothing but melancholy on his face.

Benjamin cleared his throat, stripping himself of his shaggy t-shirt that he wore to bed, and unfortunately received a whiff of his own sweat, then dropping said shirt on the floor, he sighed at the sight of his upper arms, scars overlapping, and overlapping, and overlapping, they were just mess now. He shut his eyes, averting his head away from the mirror and leaving to go to the bedroom, he’d pick up his shirt once he was dressed. 

He didn’t put any effort into his outfit, just the usual, a grey dress shirt, pants, and a navy blue tie for once, just to blend in a little more. 

–

“I’m worried about you,” Carmen spoke up. She was in the driver's seat, Benjamin in the passenger's seat. “You’ve been losing weight, again.” 

Since they were at a red light, she turned to look at Benjamin, just for him to be looking down and fiddling at his hands, stroking his thumb over the skin. Once he felt Carmen’s eyes on him, he looked up, saying he was fine.

“Benjamin, be honest.” Yet the seriousness in her tone, it was still gentle, of course it was. Carmen knew how to be stern and loving at the same time, as grateful as he was for Carmen, Benjamin hated it. He was stuck, in ways, he wanted people to notice he wasn't okay, that he was struggling, but in another way, he wanted people to pay no mind, act as if he was fine. 

Benjamin shivered while looking Carmen in the eyes, he readjusted his glasses before speaking. “I’m fine, I just, I’ve been walking a lot more, that might be why.”

Then, once the light went green, Benjamin’s stomach grumbled. Mentally screaming inside, he looked out the window, just hoping Carmen didn’t notice or thought it was her own, the rest of the car ride was painfully quiet. 

–

Carmen had dropped Benjamin off at the restaurant a little too early, Benjamin was already waiting at his table, waiters had come and asked if he wanted anything yet, noticing how he hadn’t picked at the bread in the baskets set in front of him. He declined and said he was waiting for his date. 

After multiple questions by the waiters, Ayin finally walked through the door, asking where Benjamin was sitting, before being guided to the seat opposite by a waiter. Seeing Benjamin, he smiled.

“Hi love, how long have you been waiting?” Ayin asked as he sat down, opening his messenger bag, sliding a card, with rather intricate handwriting that said ‘Benji’, he then took out a brand new journal, with Benjamin's favourite pens.

“Happy anniversary.”

Benjamin couldn’t help but smile, yet, on the inside, he felt small. Not in the way he wished to feel, but, he felt like he wasn’t giving enough to Ayin.

“Happy anniversary, I love you.” Benjamin replied, he felt warm on the inside, yet with guilt pooling into his stomach. Ayin had already taken one of the slices of bread in the basket, smiling at Benjamin, then, Benjamin pulled out his anniversary present. “I know it’s not much, and I’m sorry, but,”

Benjamin passed a small box, inside was a bracelet, it was golden. He always told Ayin that gold was his colour, and Ayin always agreed. It looked like a snake had wrapped around one’s wrist.

“Thank you.” Ayin was truly grateful, giving honest eyes towards Benjamin as he seemingly fiddled with cleaning his glasses. “You look very nice, honey.”

He smiled in response, putting his glasses back on his face and placing Ayin’s gift next to his bag. 

It wasn’t long until a waiter came over and was actually able to order, Ayin ordered steak while Benjamin ordered a caesar salad, and then, it wasn’t too long until their food was out.

Ayin took first bites, while Benjamin solely prodded at his food.

Maybe if he made it look smaller. Maybe. Maybe if it looked like he’d eaten.

He looked up to see Ayin chewing, very happy about the anniversary date. He felt horrible, sorry, and remorseful. He felt horrible that he couldn’t even eat for their anniversary dinner, he was so decent before. He was capable of it, but now, he just stared at the food. Ayin stopped chewing to look at Benjamin, his eyebrow furrowing.

“Are you okay?” He asked, which caused Benjamin to jolt up from his slouching, smiling immediately. “Did Carmen take you out to lunch?”

“Um, no. We just went shopping. I just– I don’t think I’m, I don’t feel well.” Benjamin was bluffing, and Ayin watched, Ayin put his fork down and placed it close to Benjamin’s hand on the table, stroking over his knuckles, slowly entangling his fingers between Benjamin’s.

“It’s okay, here, I’ll get a forkful of my food, and you get a forkful of yours, alright? We’ll eat together.”

Benjamin looked Ayin up and down, a lump in his throat. He brought his less dominant hand to stroke his neck, bringing up his dominant hand, his right, to pick up his fork. He clamped his thighs together under the table, watching Ayin cut a piece of his steak, putting the cube of meat onto his fork and waiting for Benjamin to reciprocate with his own food. Eventually, he did do it, and, on the inside, Ayin was celebrating.

“We’ll take a bite together, okay?”

Benjamin reluctantly nodded, bringing the forkful to his mouth while Ayin did the same. They were almost chewing in sync too.