Hi darling,

It’s just been added to the top of the tag list because that’s the position in the inbox, but no worries you don’t have to wait again! I’m actually going to see right now if I can answer it :) 

Hi darling,

The one that you’ve resent to us is the one that’s in our inbox already. Once you’ve sent the other one, I’ll delete the one you’ve just sent to us <3 I’m really really sorry for all this inconvenience!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful <3 

Hi A.C.S.,

For some reason, we aren’t able to find the submission in the inbox and it wasn’t answered, so we’re thinking there may have been some sort of glitch. Would you mind resending the submission? If you do, we’ll answer it as soon as possible since it was so close to being answered. We’re really sorry for the inconvenience!

I have no idea if this makes sense, but I feel like my emotional/self permanence is lower than most people’s? Like, if I write something down about how I feel about something or anything like that, when I go back to it a while later (sometimes days/weeks, sometimes it’s only a few minutes/hours later) I don’t remember feeling like that. It’s like I’m a different person to the person that wrote it, like I’m reading something written by a stranger. This happens with my emotions as well because I might feel really sad and suicidal but then, like 10 minutes later, I’ll feel nothing and those feelings of sadness seem completely removed from what I’m feeling now so it’s as if I never felt it in the first place? When I’ve sent asks/submissions in to this blog in the past, when I read it back when it’s been answered, it doesn’t feel like I’m the one who sent it in even though I know it was me? I don’t really know if this makes any sense, but I was wondering whether other people feel like this as well? {Please tag A.C.S.}

Hey A.C.S.

I think I understand what you’re saying. It’s likely not to the same extent as yours, but I have felt similar to how you’re describing. It’s like a type of emotional amnesia.

I definitely know you’re not alone in feeling this. I’ve had a few people I know tell me they feel this way. I would strongly encourage you to seek out help from a professional. I can’t tell you exactly what types of disorders, but there are several disorders that some of the symptoms are similar to what you’ve described. Those disorders can get out of hand and become a bit scary, so it’s best to get professional help with what you’re describing. They’re much better equipped to tell you if what you’re experiencing is serious, or if it’s something that isn’t that big of a deal.

But I can relate to what you’re describing. I’ve been keeping a regular journal for the past 10 years and sometimes when I go back and read journals, I can’t relate to it at all because I don’t remember the emotions or events surrounding the entry. Even sometimes with something I’ve written as recently as yesterday, I can’t relate to what is described in the entry and sometimes I straight up do not remember it.

Again, I encourage you to seek out help from a mental health professional. They will be best equipped to tell you how serious what you are facing look.

“What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.”

{This is really long sorry} Idk what’s going on with my emotions. I don’t feel anything most of the time. It’s not a sad numb, it’s just nothing. I don’t care about anything or anyone & it’s awful bc I turn into this rude asshole, and even though I know that I’m hurting people, I can’t bring myself to care or do anything about it. I’m having issues at school bc I don’t care about anything, so I never want to do work or revise or anything, and I have exams in a week & a half that dictate my set for Year 11 so I know I need to revise but I just don’t care.

And whenever I do feel things, it’s either just a cognitive “I am x right now because of xyz” but I don’t actually feel anything or it’s an all-encompassing feeling that I feel physically in my bones and my heart & I feel nothing else at all. All my emotions are either 0 or 100 and there’s no middle ground and if I’m not feeling an emotion right now, like if I’m not sad at this very moment, then I don’t remember ever feeling sad in my entire life (I’m not exaggerating, it literally feels like I’ve never been sad ever) or what feeling sad is even like and I only feel like I’ve ever had one emotion.

I don’t know what to do because my emotions being all over the place is causing issues with friends and school work and I don’t know what to do but I don’t even know if I care enough to do anything about it. {Please tag A.C.S.}

Hi A.C.S,

I want you to know first your ask can never be too long <3 We are here to help you as much as we can, and with that we understand and realize it may be long :) Everyone’s story is unique, and it may be short or long, but it doesn’t matter, as long as you decided to reach out to us, we are happy to help you! So please do not feel sorry for your ask ever being too long :3

I know it can be frustrating when you don’t know what is going on with your emotions, especially when you have a lack of them. I’m not sure how long you’ve been dealing with this, but it sounds like you’ve been dealing with this a while and you realize there may be a problem. But I’m happy that you’re trying to understand and take care of yourself!

From immediately reading your ask, I could see various behaviors you were expressing that correlated with symptoms of a Personality Disorder; more specifically, Schizoid Personality Disorder. Please do not get scared because of “schizo,” I know a lot of people immediately line that up with Schizophrenia but there is a whole difference, and they are two different disorders. While it is on the schizophrenic spectrum,  it is not as disabling as schizophrenia, and unlike schizophrenia, it does not result in a disconnection from reality. Also unlike Schizophrenia, they make sense when they speak even though the tone may not be animated.

Schizoid Personality Disorder (SZPD) symptoms are

Prefer being alone and usually choose solitary activities

Prize independence and have few close friendships

Feel confused about how to respond to normal social cues and generally have little to say

Feel little if any desire for sexual relationships

Feel unable to experience pleasure

Come off as dull, indifferent or emotionally cold

Feel unmotivated and tend to underperform at school or work

While they seem simple at first, if they are causing issues, such as messing up relationships or your ability to do things, then you do need to get help. From your Ask,  SZPD seems to fit your symptoms, but obviously, you are the only one to be able to decide that, by looking at your experiences.

To put SZPD in context, of some real-life examples, I’ll use my experience with it as an example. One good example is when I was in high school, several students committed suicide that I knew, and while I knew I should be grieving and feeling sad….I didn’t. Like I was sad they were gone, but emotionally and physically I couldn’t feel it. I was like you, and couldn’t connect with what the feeling of sadness was because  I was so numb. There was a little display or no strong emotion at all in response to it.

Now, while I do believe that SZPD sounds like what you’ve been experiencing, I couldn’t help but notice you say your emotions are either 0 to 100. The reason I say that is because in regards to SZPD you are usually staying at 0, with no ability to feel any stronger than that. Another Personality disorder that deals more specifically with your emotions either being very strong or not strong at all is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is best described, in my opinion, of a Thermostat that is broken, therefore, the room gets too hot, or it gets too cold, there is no middle ground, as you said. BPD and SZPD, surprisingly, can co-exist, believe it or not. In fact, for example, because of having Dissociative Identity Disorder, each of my alters has a different Personality Disorder. It can be incredibly overwhelming, but it’s a possibility, and it’s very common from what I’ve been experiencing in the Tumblr community.

The symptoms of BPD are:

Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived

A pattern of intense and stormy relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often veering from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self, which can result in sudden changes in feelings, opinions, values, or plans and goals for the future (such as school or career choices)

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior, such as cutting

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days

Chronic feelings of emptiness and/or boredom

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger

Having stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality.

Again, I’m merely giving this as a second resource, since I noticed that part in your ask. I was reading it over and over again, and it just occurred to me while typing this that they can be comorbid. Because I’m an example of that in several different ways lol :3 I hope that this is not super overwhelming, and I’m hoping this isn’t super long for you to read >.<.  If you’re looking for a good resource to start with maybe combating these symptoms, I would suggest looking into DBT. It was specially made for BPD, but it is now used for eating disorders, mood disorders and more. While it’s not for everyone, there are fundamental skills you can at least grab and run with, if you don’t feel ready to go through it all. I don’t have time, nor money, to do DBT right now, so I just gathered a bag of skills, and I use them daily to help and start learning to combat my Personality Disorders!

If there’s any clarification or more information you would like, please feel free to reach out to us :) I hope this provided you with some insight and please stay strong! It is entirely possible to recover from this, and please know that <3