#mhamel

Heyfriend,

That’ssuch a hard situation! I’m also trans masculine, but I didn’tstart transitioning until I was in my early twenties. I know whatit’s like to have unsupportive parents. I actually don’t talk tomy dad anymore because of it. My mom has come around though.

Thatsucks that they sent you to a private christian school! That’sreally controlling and absolutely not okay of them.

Onething tat could help you is to get a job as soon as you can and tosave up money to move out as soon as possible. I don’t know how faraway that is for you, but sometimes the best thing we can do is focuson getting out of a toxic situation like that. I know for me, ithelped to focus on the things that I could do to get out of thesituation I was in when I was living with my parents.

Ofcourse it’s hard to get through each day when you’re in a livingsituation with transphobic people, even if they are your family!

Iwould recommend seeing if you have a pride center nearby and askingfor resources for someone in your situation. Centerlink has a greatdirectoryof pride centers, and you can check to see what’s near you.They’ve also helped people in your situation already, so they’regoing to have a better idea as to what actions are available to you.

Ifyou need, you can also always message me on my mha personaltumblr. Like I said, I’m also trans masculine, so even justhaving someone who knows what you’ve been through can help. Justunderstand that I can’t help you in crisis, and I don’t check itmore than about once a day.

Forme, it helps to have coping skills that don’t involve my body. Soexercise and yoga and meditation suck because they force you to be inyour body, when that feels like a betrayal.

Gettinginto crafts has helped a lot because it’s something physical I cando with my hands. If you draw or want to get into art, that can helpyou as well. Having a way to express what you’re feeling isincredibly helpful, so journaling can help as well. I’ve beenjournaling the last 15 years, and it helped me get through livingwith my parents.

Ihope this can help you, if only in some way. Hang in there, it getsbetter as soon as you’re able to get away. I know that can feelimpossible, but there are people out there who want to help you.

Takecare,

(I’mthe depersonalisation anon back again) I just wanted to add idk ifthis is normal but I don’t feel connected to my family/friends. Imean I love them more than anything but idk I just feel uncomfortablewhen expressing love/affection towards them or they express ittowards me. Not sure if that’s depersonalisation/derealisation ornot

Heyfriend,

I’msorry you feel like you’re living in a dream. That’s a hard placeto be.

Howcome you feel like you can’t bring yourself back to earth?

Definitelynot feeling connected to your family and friends is part ofdepersonalization and derealisation! It’s hard to feel connected toanyone when you yourself don’t feel real. I think that if you canfind a way to be more in yourself and not feel quite so disconnected,that’s going to be easier to deal with.

Idon’t know for sure if there is a cure forderealisation/depersonalization. However, I do know from personalexperience that it can be managed. I have PTSD, so derealisation anddepersonalization are really common for me. It’s a way for my brainto disconnect from the traumas I’ve experienced. For a long time,that just was my default state.

Butthen I learned about grounding activities. Those are things that getyou back in your body. They take time and repetition, so sometimesthey feel like they don’t work at first. Especially since you’vebeen working in this state for over ten years, trying to get out ofthat is going to feel really foreign to you, and your mind may notwant to be grounded.

Thebest thing you can do is breathing exercises. There are so manydifferent ones out there, and you can do them anywhere without anyoneeven noticing really! The most basic one is to just notice how yourbreathing makes your body move and to keep bringing your mind back tothat when it wants to go away.

Othergrounding exercises are to name things you can see, feel, taste,touch, hear, and smell. We also have a page full of groundingtechniques that you can try.

Ihope these can help you in some way! Good luck, and take care ofyourself.

Muchlove,

Heyfriend!

Thanksfor sending in a question! And thank you for liking our blog! We tryto help people as much as we can.

Idon’t think it’s weird that you talk to yourself, to be honest. Iknow a lot of different people with all sorts of mindsets andlifestyles that talk to themselves.

There’sthis stigma around talking to yourself being a sign of an illness,but I don’t agree with that to be honest. I think that some peoplejust need to verbalize their thoughts in order to process them.Personally, I have to write out my thoughts in order to process them,and no one thinks that’s strange at all.

There’sactually lots of reasons why people talk to themselves! Some do it sothey don’t feel lonely if they spend a lot of time alone. Others doit to stimulate their brains, or to fill empty air if they can’thandle being in silence. Personally, I play music to fill silence.

Also,a lot of people talk to their pets, which is a step removed fromtalking to yourself. Pets can’t talk back, so it looks like thesame thing. There’s just a recipient of the talking when a pet isinvolved, so apparently that makes it acceptable? I don’t know, theway people think about this type of thing sometimes confuses me.

Ihope that could answer your question! I know other people might feeldifferently, but personally, I don’t see anything weird about it.

Takecare!

Hey friend,

That sounds really hard. I’m sorry you feel like a third-wheel.

When I was in school, I almost always felt left out of my friend groups. I felt like they always had these things in common and I would try so hard to be interested in what they were interested in. But they never extended the same effort towards me and it made me feel incredibly lonely.

I’m going to tell you what I wish someone else had told me. Make sure you make time for the things you care about. If someone is making you feel left out and isn’t making an effort to try to invest in your day, then they aren’t good friends to you.

Is there anyone else around that you feel like would give you more of a back and forth? Maybe you have a couple of people you’ve talked to before but don’t know very well. Try to spend more time with them, if you can. There are a couple of people I knew in high school that I wish I’d spent more time with instead of the people I did talk to. Those people were a lot more caring and understanding, but they weren’t the “popular” people, or the people I felt like I should be talking to, so I didn’t. I feel like my school time would have been easier if I had invested my time in people that would have cared about me instead of the people I talked to.

I hope that can help in some way! It can be hard and can take time, but trying to find other people is going to help you the most overall.Good luck with everything!

Muchlove,

Heyfriend,

Transferringschools is really hard! I’m sorry you had to do that.

Thereare many reasons why you could be missing it so much. Even though youhated it, you still made memories there. You might miss the idea ofit more than you miss the actual thing.

Isthere anything about it that was good? Even if it’s something smalllike the view from one of your classroom windows. Did you do anythingthere that you don’t do now?

Havingdreams about going back doesn’t necessarily mean that you miss iteither. Dreams are just your brain’s way of trying to processmemories. It could be that your brain is just trying to process yourtime there, and not that you actually want to go back. There are alot of reasons why you could be missing it, actually.

Ifyou can, take some time when you’re not being occupied by anythingelse. Take some deep breaths, and then ask yourself if you miss theschool. Give your brain time to come up with an answer, and try notto place any judgement on what comes up. If nothing comes up for awhile, give it some time. Let your brain relax and come up withwhatever it comes up with. If it isn’t words, that’s okay too.Pictures can be just as helpful.

Ifind that going through this exercise can help me when I havequestions about why I’m dreaming about something, or why a certaintheme keeps coming up in my life. I hope it can help you figure outwhat is going on!

Takecare,

Theresso much going on with them and they say their doing everything, butik their ride everywhere, so i know when they see their therapist andthey havent talked to anyone but poeple online???? And im happy theirtalking to someone but yheir terrible at taking advice

Heyfriend,

Itsounds like this friend is going through a lot. From what you aresaying, it also seems to be that you feel responsible for them insome way.

That’sa lot to take on. Up until very recently, I felt like I had to beresponsible for the people around me, as well. I felt like I had totake on their problems and come up with ways to fix them, because ofthe way I was raised. When they were going through these things, andhaving all of this difficult stuff going on in their life, I feltlike it was my responsibility to deal with it.

However,it was a hard lesson for me to learn that I was not responsible forthem. It wasn’t until I was continually trying to fix things forthem, and they’d push back hard over and over again AND goingthrough therapy, that I realized I wasn’t responsible for them.

Iknow this is hard to hear. But it’s not your responsibility to fixthese things for your friend. Even and especially ifthey don’t have things together. Your friend is their own personand has to learn to fix thesethings for themselves. Even if you can see the things they aren’tdoing, you have to give ownership of these problems to them.

Thebest thing you can do when these things happen and you get frustratedby them is to remind yourself that these aren’t your problems. Itisn’t up to you how your friend chooses to address them. Giving upthat control is so, so hard. I know it was for me. Feeling like I hadthat control was the only thing that really protected me from the badthings of the past. Maybe that’s how it is for you, maybe it’sbecause of something else. I don’t know where it comes from foryou. But learning that lesson is hard.

However,being able to accept that will give you so much energy back. It willgive you the ability and the permission to take care of yourself.

Ihope that makes sense. Take care of yourself!

Muchlove,

Hey Cathelijne,

It’s totally okay that you don’t know what genderyou are or who or what you like.

From what you’re describing, it sounds like youcould be gender fluid. That means someone who has a gender that fluctuatesdepending on the day or what they’re feeling.

It’s definitely confusing living in a societythat demands we all conform to very narrow gender roles. However, most peoplejust don’t match up to those.

It’s okay to take time to figure out who you are.Honestly, I know people who are over 50 years old and they’re still trying tofigure out who they are and what they stand for. You don’t have to figure it outright away. Life is about figuring out who you are, and honestly, that changesall the time. Even people who think they know who they are have things changein their lives that challenges what they think they know about themselves. Theyhave to redefine who they are after big events like that.

But honestly, what most people don’t know is thatsmall changes change who you are as well. They just aren’t as noticeable as bigchanges, so it happens over time.

What I’d recommend is just take time. Figure out whatmakes you happy. Don’t put so much pressure on knowing exactly who you are.Instead, try to focus on what makes you feel satisfied, what helps you feelalive. That’ll help you more than trying to figure out exactly what gender youare and who you’re attracted to.

I hope that can help in some way. Good luck.

Hey friend, 

That’s hard! Especially after having seen your dad end up like that. 

The best thing you can do is take actions to put yourself out there. Maybe you haven’t had friends in the past, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to have friends now. 

I was isolated and bullied as a kid. The people around me didn’t like how I was, so they picked on me a lot. However, when I went off to college and had more variety in the people I could be around, it was a lot easier to make friends. 

Try to find events where you’ll be around people like you. For example, if you like playing board games, many game stores will have game nights where you can meet other people who also like board games. 

You can also try a service called Meetup that will connect you with events of all types. Find things that match your interests and go to these events until you start encountering people you feel like you can spend time around. It depends on where you live, but there are so many options, so I’m sure you’ll be able to find something! 

Basically, what you have to do is find opportunities to encounter new people. And keep putting yourself in those situations until you start to find that you have a friend group. It’ll take time and effort. It’ll be scary, because it’s something you’ve never done before. But with time, it’ll pay off. 

You can also see if there are any community events that are happening and go and join those. See if there are any non-profits near you with causes you support. Then spend some time volunteering for them. Being a volunteer can bring you into contact with a lot of different people. I haven’t volunteered much, but my partner’s dad volunteered all the time and made a lot of friends that way. 

I hope that these can help you find new people and find friends that share some of your interests. I wouldn’t be surprised if some anxiety comes up for you around it. But keep in mind that once you’ve found people you get along with, it gets easier. 

Take care!