6w5d (estimated)
(eta: 7w4d actually)
I don’t remember being this tired last time. All I want to do is sleep, then all I want to do it lay on the couch and not move cause I feel so sick. I’m such a shit mom right now. My husband is a saint, as always. He’s at work by 7 each day so he can get off at 3:30, then he comes home and takes on the brunt of carrying for Kennedy so I can rest. We are living with my sister, but she recently had a really bad break on her arm the required surgery (and might need another) so she’s out of commission for help.
I find it really difficult to actually picture this pregnancy making it all the way to bringing home a baby. That’s so sad to say and think about but I can’t fathom it right now. It was the same for Kennedy, but at least I was more excited with her. My mom was like “do you think you’ll ever feel excited for this baby” and like, fuck off mom. It’s hard to explain that, in my mind this isn’t how having a baby works. For me, there is endless amounts of heartache that is supposed to happen before you have a baby. That’s the only experience I have with it, so for it to just happen... it’s weird. I feel like I haven’t paid my dues for such joy.
I do find myself talking about the future and including this baby. I’ll say things like “Oh that room would be a good play room for the girls” (while looking at houses. Idk why sometimes my brain defaults to them being a girl) or “I like this backyard for the kids”. So, it’s there. And I do feel bursts of excitement every now and then, it’s not all doom and gloom and I don’t feel any regret.
I just can’t wait to feel better again. Early pregnancy sucks, I forgot how much it sucks. In a month or so and I’ll feel better and then I’ll forget how much this sucks.
