the grey crayons

Grandpa Lyle passed last week. I didn't update because it's been a whirlwind. He passed Sunday, we had to travel to Shriner's for P's appointments on Monday and Tuesday. On the way home, dropped J off at elk camp and I've been flying solo with a 17 year old and a 1 year old since. I'm exhausted.

Facebook and Instagram are dead this morning. I'm having a mild panic attack because I don't have photos stored anywhere else. I'm an idiot and need to upload them all to some kind of service that stores photos. What do you guys use? I CANNOT lose baby pictures of my boy.

I've been seriously working on balancing the need for self-care and the guilt that comes from being away from my son for more than the work day. Two weeks ago, I went to the hair salon right after work. When I got home just before 7, Jake had done dinner and bath time all by himself. The house didn't burn down, the kid wasn't cranky, the kitchen wasn't a huge disaster, and everyone was happy to see me. Like what. Mind blown. Life didn't tragically stop when I was away. I have picked up yoga after dinner and reading books before bed. So far, I've read: Damned Tell All Gone Girl The Silent Wife And now I'm onto the Audrey Harte series starting with It Takes One. Dude I cannot tell you how much better I feel. I cleaned the whole house, decorated for the birthday party, put everything together and I didn't complain. You know what else happened though? We got into bed after a long and crazy day and Jake said that I did an amazing job with his party and the house looked beautiful. Let me unpack that. Jakes family (other that T & S) are kind of like a wild pack of dogs. Add to that mixture two other toddlers who don't mind their mother or their manners and you have a recipe for disaster. I took a xanex and I can't tell you how it changed my whole day. My outlook would have been piss poor and I would have freaked out at: Green icing on the couch Chocolate cake crumbs on the chair fabric Spilled kool-aid everywhere Two of the best looking dinosaur cookies melting You know what my outlook was? He's not going to remember it. I got photos of how perfect everything was before everything was not perfect anymore. He got his smash cake, he was surrounded by people that love him, and hey look... I managed to keep him alive for a year. That was the first time every taking xanex and I really enjoyed not being so wound up about trivial things. I enjoyed the day so much more. Normally, I don't have any issues. Big get together like yesterday, Thanksgiving and Christmas at my house are what just kills me. I've tried suggesting have those events elsewhere, but since we have the biggest house in the family it's always here. On one side, it's fantastic. We don't have to travel in the snow, we don't have to haul gifts, and there's nothing that's too breakable here since we are baby proofed. On the other side, I have mad anxiety when it comes to people in my private space that aren't normally in my private space. This differs however, with L. She is our foreign exchange student. We've been chatting so much that when she got here a week ago, it seemed perfectly normal to have her here. She will be going to the local high school with a full class load, and playing volleyball in the fall. I don't think I will talk about her much here because of privacy for her and her natural family. But it's been pretty awesome to have her here so far.

Update. J is being way more helpful. I love to clean it helps me destress after a long day. The kitchen is the easiest because it doesn't get messed up right away by the dogs or P. I have to remember that self care is even more important now, I have a child who requires medical attention, who I want to model good pro social and self care to, and I have a super stressful job where I'm constantly dealing with inmates who aren't in the best state of mind. So I made an appointment to get my hair done on Monday and when I told J he was totally fine with it. Why I expected that conversation to go badly, I don't know. I know I'm not married to my ex husband anymore. I know that. But years of controlling, manipulation, guilt for doing things for myself will probably always have its claws in me. He's done the dishes, he spent a week at home with our son. He fixed our front patio and he makes sure the kid doesn't get in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner and cleaning in the evenings. I just wish that I could erase all of my first marriage from existence. He damaged me all the way to the bone and I'll most likely carry that forever.

Parker had a nightmare about 20 minutes ago and he fell asleep about 5 minutes into snuggles. I don't even care. I love love love his snuggles and I'll trade sleep for them any day. We can always get a nap together tomorrow 💙 my greatest adventure in life is being a mom