Love,Mom

I didn’t give you guys much of an update after miscarriage because this time around, it took a toll of me. Mentally and physically. I had to go to the ER in the process of it because I was just bleeding so much and was afraid that I was possibly hemorrhaging.

Thank goodness it wasn’t nothing too crazy that the doctors couldn’t handle.

I wasn’t going to try again until this new year because like I said, I wasn’t emotionally ready to try again. I was going to go to a fertility clinic to get checked to see if there was maybe something Imee are just missing. I was one wee away to see the fertility doctor that I had to cancel the appointment.... CB

The world had other plans for me. I got pregnant a month after my miscarriage and I was extremely terrified of anything to happen.

I decided still see a doctor within the same office ther fertility clinic was expecting that they would be more cautious of me. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case. So I decided to head back to my old obgyn.

I am currently 20w+1d and I’m expecting a little boy. My little rainbow baby.

****TRIGGER WARNING***

Please dont read if you cannot deal with reading bloody details or anything with a miscarriage.

Soooo here i am. I am feeling a lot better! I had a lot going on with my health and mental being and i just needed some time to myself. 

SOOOO lets go back a little to let you know what went down this month... ON monday aug. 3rd i was confirmed that i was going through another miscarriage. Even though i wanted to believe that this was all a mistake. I knew it wasnt. I didnt cry during my appointment. I was kind of expecting this to happen even though i wished it wasnt that way.  My sac had collapsed completely. THere was no sight of anything.  I was prescribed Misoprostol that same day and i decided to take it right after my appointment. I had 4 pills that i had to take every 6 hrs to help move the process along. 

I finished my last dose on Aug. 4th (tuesday) i had some clots come down and since i wasnt that far along i thought that was end of it. i was spotting off and on for the next few days. Friday night came along and i was just about to leave my parents house. I started to have some cramps. they werent bad but im a little bitch when it comes to cramps. 

My parents were just like stay here and let the pain pass through and i was like naaa I want to be at home. I wanted to cry all my emotions where everywhere at this point. I left and here i am on my way home. A 30 minute drive that felt like HELL!!!! The cramps became more intense and i was crying the whole way home. I had a maxi pad on and i was able to feel it the blood just gushing out of me. My son was asleep and i wanted to yell!!!!! In that drive home i had felt a good 4-5 blood gushes coming out of me... I took my son out and tried to carry him out but I was in so much pain I couldnt do it with out making too much noise. I layed him down and i layed with him a bit so that he wouldnt wake up... To my surprise i was not able to lay down with him. I felt so much pressure down there that i felt like my uterus was going to burst. Since i wasnt able to get him to go sleep again after i laid him down , I rushed to the restroom and here I am. Just bleeding like crazy. With every contraction i had i was squirting out blood and blood clots. The pain was unbearable. My husband was working and here i am home alone with my son.

All im thinking is im having a hemorrhage. I’m soaking through my maxi pads so fast that I didnt know what to do. I called my parents to rush over here to help me go to the ER. I was trying to remain calm because i didnt want to pass out on my son and for him to freak out. By the time my parents got there i had already changed my pad 4 times (IN 30 MINUTES). I went to the closest ER to me and they took me in. The guy that took my vitals and my intake pissed me off because he had the nerve to say that “Exactly thats what the medication does to you, Thats normal. Your going to have a lot of pain and pass blood clots. Its normal!” It was the way he said it that triggered me. Making me look like if i was just there to waste their time. So I said “So you are going to tell me that its normal to soak 4 Maxi pads in less than 30 minutes? You assuming before knowing doesnt make you look that bright” Apparently, the doctor was listening and as soon as he heard me say that he stepped in and took me with him and gathered the rest of my information. I was taken to do another ultrasound and blood work. I was feeling sooo dizzy after they took my blood. 

Im not one to faint after a blood draw. But i was soo weak. They confirmed with me that i had a small hemorrhage and that  I had not lost a lot of blood to need a transfusion. My bleeding at this point was starting to slow down. They stated that i had not passed that sac yet. It was still sitting in my cervix canal. I had to get another dose of the medication. through out that  week, i was bleeding normal and sure enough the weekend came again and its Aug. 9th 2am, having cramps. I was trying to sleep it off but when they got strong it would wake me up. Finally i took some pain meds after my pharmacy took forever to get my medication ready!!!! I ran some errands and i figured it would help me walk around to help me pass the sac. Its 5:30pm and im standing in line at Winco. When i feel this gush of blood come down and i felt something just sitting at the opening of my vagina. My pad kept it from coming out and my husband was outside dealing with my son because he was throwing his fit. I finish paying and it was so uncomfortable to walk. I tried to sit down in the car and i couldnt. It felt so weird and i told my husband to drive...I get home and walked as fast as i could to the restroom and i pull down my pants and there it was... the SAC!!!!  

I’ve been going to work since Tuesday. They asked me if I wanted to take some time but to be honest I didn’t want to be at home and only cry. I’ve been keeping my mind busy. No I’m not avoiding it or trying to act like if nothing happened. But since my appointment before they had warned me of the possibilities.... I had already been mentally preparing myself even though I didn’t want to believe that I could go through another miscarriage.

It doesn’t hurt any less than when I heard it last week. The thought that I have lost a baby and all the possibilities linger in my head. My angel was gone too soon and I wish I could make it work out for the best.

I can’t get depressed like how I did after my first miscarriage. I have a little one that is always near me and he’s caught me a few times crying. But the look on his face when he sees me hurry makes stop. All he does is wipe my tears away and hug me. I have one little man that I have to look after and I can’t let anything get me down. No matter what life throws at me.

It sucks at times that hubby and work opposite shifts. 😔

Here I am sitting in my doctors office now. I just got out of the sonogram and waiting for the doctor to come in. I know he squeezed me in so he’s taking a bit to see me.

Im having no symptoms of having cramps. But I am having blood come out with each wipe. Still looks a little brownish.

Well I guess I’m mentally and emotionally prepared for this. I didn’t cry when I saw more blood this morning.

Part of me wasn’t to believe that the bleeding I have is from the subchorionic hematoma that I have. I know it does cause some bleeding but I didn’t experience it with my son. But I know each pregnancy is different.

Oooppps i thought I posted this. But just and update from an update since I did type this up this morning. Still having brown discharge when I wipe , off and on. I’m going to try to see if I can get my OB to see me tomorrow.

I’ve wanting to write on here all week and I haven’t had the chance. But it’s 7:30 am and my husband just got home. My little one is asleep. Sooo i have time. I decided to take a pregnancy test today to see if it has gotten lighter or something. It’s as dark as it’s ever been. So I don’t believe I’m going through another miscarriage. I really do believe that they just didn’t measure correctly.

I do have my next appointment this Wednesday. I decided to also make another appointment with another doctor just to get a second opinion. I love my doctor me everything but if his sono techs aren’t going to take the time to measure me, not to mention that they are all new. They are always having someone else double check their work.

So it’s bitter sweet decision but I need his techs to be in a good standing with their knowledge. The doctor will only go based off what he sees from the sonó report and report it to me. I know it in my heart that my little peanut is well and alive and growing.

With this pregnancy, I do not feel like announcing my pregnancy on social media. I want to keep this within my close family and friends. I hardly post on there anyways. And I feel like I don’t have to share every single thing with them like I used to.

They don’t need know what all is happening in my life. Sometimes it is JUST better that way. Except for here. I don’t feel like people are judging me. I don’t have people just snooping around to see how I’ve been. Or if I’m still married, happy, more kids, etc.

There wasn’t a heart beat at my first scan or my second scan. The first time I went my little peanut was so small. And this second tome you were able to see the yolk sac and a little pole underneath it. This picture below is just an example how mine looked like. I was not given a picture. 🙄

I had a doctors apt today...

So by now I should be measuring 7weeks with 5 days and it measures 6 weeks with 5 days

The doctor has 2 guesses of what could be happening

1. They either measured wrong the first time

2. I’m probably going to miscarry if by next week the baby hasn’t grown or that is if by Monday I haven’t already miscarried 😥

Soooooooooooooo lol

Yesterday i had been trying to log onto my health record to look at the summary and see the visit notes and what not. So they did see that I had a Subchrionic Haematoma. Which is pretty much a little pool of blood between the membrane and the uterine wall. I had the same thing happen to me with my little man during the pregnancy. So im not worried about that. I just want to make sure that my little baby continues to grow within these next few weeks and that we hear a good strong heart beat. i think i was a little more disappointed that we couldnt detect a heart beat yet. So i just need to let go of my worries and keep my faith strong that everything will go well.  oh and They also saw that I have a cyst on my right ovary. 😐

Since I’ve been pregnant most of my dreams are about my husband leaving me. I usually don’t pay any mind to them but fuck today hit me pretty hard. So he was apparently talking to someone else and I didn’t know, but he kept telling me that he loved me and what not... I didn’t want to believe what I had found out until one day I left early from work and come to see her in our house helping him pack. My heart dropped... I wanted it to be a dream ( thank God it was lol) but ugh I hate these dreams. He just left and forgot we ever existed. He changed his number, so I had no form of contact with him nor on social media.

I’ve been so sleepy it’s not even funny. Yesterday I was trying so hard to fight my sleep while I was folding my laundry but since I had just taken it out from the dryer... it was so warm and BAAAAAM.... I fell asleep lol my mother in law tried to get me to go to bed but I would just open my eyes and fall back asleep. Today I am 5 weeks pregnant. I have my doctors appointment next Monday. Can it get here already?! 🥰🤗

This week I started working from home. A little annoyed because there’s a total of 3 of us working from home and between us three. We are supposed to rotate on taking live calls that are coming into the clinic. Well yesterday I had the morning shift. While I was looking at the schedule, I noticed that I was on the phone EVERYSINGLE DAY THIS WEEK! 😡😡😡 I was so annoyed!

To give y’all some background on these two other chicks, they have been working from home since March. They sent an email to our lead supervisor last week that they were behind on paperwork... BEHIND ON PAPERWORK?!!!!! They have been at home and all they do is take phone call in 4 hr increments. Wtf were they doing for their shift? Or what were they doing on their days off from the phones!!?

Any who, I was on the phones all fucken week... 😒 so with that being said these girls were going to have an opportunity to have a day off from being off the phones... but fuck me right?! So I sent an email this morning asking about the rotation and what not. She admitted that she “made a mistake” and would make the changes. Oh I almost forgot that my other co worker who I replaced and went back to working from clinic, same thing happened to her. But she didn’t speak up. She just let it be.

Then to top it off my lead supervisor sent us an instant message talking about how she would try to make sure we weren’t on the phone everyday and that we had to take note that it meant that we could be on phone multiple days of the week..

I understand that’s it’s only 3 getting rotated... but that doesn’t mean to fuck one person over to have the other two lazy asses a day off 😒