#7.12.2020

denize bakmıyorum

bulutlara küsüm

kimse bilmez mekanda

kırk gün kırk gece içimi çektim

korkmayın benden güvercinler

elim cebimde

sakıncasızım

İnsan oğlunun en büyük ve meşakatli yolculuğu kendi içine

Giden yolmuş

___Yüreğimin yokuşları çok yordu beni...

Stretto di Messina

Meerenge einst und heute

du trennst zwei Meere

Insel und Festland

Odysseus trat an den Kampf

gegen Ungeheuer

Winde wehen weit

auf der Fahrt nach Messina

Luftspiegelung

Erinnerung bleibt

Wärme des Meeres pulsiert

Immer häufiger gibt es lange Dürreperioden und die Ernten werden von Jahr zu Jahr schlechter. Um zu überleben, hat das gesamte Dorf gesammelt, um ihren besten Mann, meinen Vater, mit uns nach Europa zu schicken. Selbst das kleine Stück Gold am Zepter des Häuptlings, haben wir dafür bekommen. Eine große Verantwortung. Aus dem reichen Europa werden wir viel Geld schicken, damit es allen im Dorf gut geht.

Stark wie ein Elefant

Wäre ich gerne gewesen

Ich hätte meine kleine Schwester

Mutter und Vater getragen

Auf unserem langen Marsch

Ich wünschte

Wir wären unsichtbar gewesen

Als wir uns vor den

Rebellen versteckten

Viel Leid wäre uns erspart geblieben

In der Wüste

Hätten wir Dromedare sein müssen

Kein Durst hätte uns geplagt

Jeder Schritt wäre nicht doppelt so schwer

Gewesen, im heißen Sand

Und nachts ein heller Stern

Um der Familie

Den richtigen Weg zu zeigen

Oder

Eine wärmende Decke

Als wir schlafen konnten

An sicheren Orten

Und jetzt hier

In der Meerenge

Zwischen Afrika und Europa

Wünschte ich

Wir wären Möwen

Wir könnten fliegen

Von Festland zu Festland

Würden den Fischern folgen

Und hätten immer genügend zu Essen

Ich weiß nicht wie lange wir schon auf dem Boot sind. Von Afrika nach Europa sind es nur wenige Kilometer. Die Schleusser müssen wohl das tanken vergessen haben. Als das Festland aus meinem Blick verschwand, ging der Motor aus. Papa sagt, wir müssen nur Geduld haben. Wir werden Europa sicher erreichen. In letzter Zeit fallen mir immer wieder die Augen zu. Ich habe Hunger und Durst. Es fällt mir schwer mich zu konzentrieren. Träume ich, oder ist dort hinten ein Rettungsboot?

family is such a strange concept

not only because the fae do family so much more differently than humans - to fae, family is about sharing blood, but it’s not about love (unconditional or otherwise)

this is why aurelius and ashe are so isolated, in a way - they made a family when they shouldn’t have, but to other people, they’re not really a family, because the fae don’t really understand how love is being a family

to ruka and elias (mostly), family is a legacy that they have to carry, the weight of their ancestors weighing on their backs

thieu is the only person who talks about his parents. i think elias mentions his father once, maybe, and ruka has maybe a sentence or two. xanthe talks about her brother, ashe mentions her parents, caelan was abandoned, safiya mentions her mother is dead, but thieu is the one who clings to his mother’s necklace. throughout the whole book, he’s always remembering something his parents said to him, or taught him. 

the amount of trust issues in this is atrocious

not even for just ruka and elias, but also for safiya & thieu, and xanthe & aurelius.

when they first come to faerie, thieu is thrown off by the fact that safiya knew all along he was a fairbone, that she had been protecting him while simultaneously lying to him by omission. but he can’t afford not to trust her, so he never really confronts her about it.

aurelius and xanthe are at a weird standpoint where they know each other, but they don’t know each other. however, the weird relationship they had formed instantly shatters when aurelius doubts her / knows she kept something from him (can’t talk about this much because spoilers but anyways).

obviously, trust is weird around fae - they can’t lie, but there’s so many other ways to lie than just saying it outright. like lying by omission. it’s the things that you don’t say that end up being the death of you. 

that and loyalty

in the book, ruka mentions fae form relationships within generations rather than family. and that’s true - but fae are loyal because they can’t exactly be trustworthy, they make friends, but also pledge allegiance. they chose a court, they stick to it. however, the contrast between what loyalty means to the unseelie court vs what it means to the seelie court is really something.

ruka is really the only unseelie agent we get to know, along with ciara and cole (my tertiary babies who deserve their own story honestly), but the unseelie court is so different from the seelie court. whereas the seelie court is all about power and hierarchy, how far you can climb, the people you need to respect and the ones you can look down on, the unseelie court is this haphazard wreck of people doing their best to survive.

the whole fact that the courts basically split because the unseelie court faction disagreed with the direction the seelie court was going in and wanted to stay true to the roots of fae and faerie is really just the tip of the iceberg.

the delicous irony, oh my god

the fact that i also didn’t write it intentionally at first, didn’t even realize it was ironic until my sister pointed out how the ending of it is was so ironic, and then i realized the layers of irony. 

maybe the irony lies in the unintentional hypocrisy - one sits on a throne while denying all authority, one never lies to another until it comes down to past history.

please enjoy this strange ramble as i try to figure out the next character profiles...taglist i guess scream to be on this

December 7, 2020 - Day 171

Date: 7 December 2020

Duration: 38 minutes at 10:13 pm

Depth: Written on 8 December at 7:15 PM. Here goes-

The highlight of last night was when I stopped meditating.

I shook a lot again through the session. Some jerks were far more aggressive than others. Just to remind the reader that these shakings are completely involuntary.

When I stopped, I felt that I had done the usual time. The usual is somewhere between 50 to 60 minutes. I was surprised to find a mere 38 minutes logged. This arriving of one’s deepest best in a session keeps advancing within sessions as one gets better at a particular depth of meditation. Besides, this session didn’t have that pure quality of concentration that can make a session last long. There was no surrender of my attention to the meditation exercise at hand.

Immediately after the session, I fell asleep for the night. I woke one and a half hour before my alarm. I woke fully rested. This usually means that I left my mind at the right place when I stopped meditating. Sleep after meditation is deeply influenced by the state of mind arrived in meditation.