#5.15.19

Just stuck in hospital again because cancer f*cked up my spine royally. finishing my last radiation on my spine here today. They might also be doing a procedure where they insert a kind of cement into my vertebrae to strengthen the bone there and lift the pressure off my nerves. Not sure when that will happen but it gives me some hope of being able to walk again.

Been feeling severely depressed after a very painful morning yesterday, so I let the doctors know that and they have someone keeping me company at all times and have started me on long acting pain meds and some other meds that should help. I wanted to not make any stupid decisions based on pain, and I'm glad I spoke up about it.

Still roughing a lot of anc stuff I won't spoil.

Alice Beineke, The Addams Family

My dietitian put me back on 3 meals and 2-3 snacks a day. (he'd previously given me permission to not have snacks if I added more to my meals... Which I just put into action as cutting out snacks....which led to hunger... Which was triggering... Which led to more restriction).

So it's definitely a good thing that I now am "supposed" to have snacks. That'd be great if I actually got myself to eat the snacks. Like?? Restricting even a little makes an ED just bounce back. I'm not restricting to the degree I was, but the thoughts are there. The snacks still feel optional. And what's next? I've gotta get my shit together. I've had half a snack today (and two meals, but there's another meal waiting for me at home for when I get there). Like?? Cutting out snacks seems like no big deal. My ED-self even tells me that I'm "normalizing my eating." Which is such bullshit? But then? Why do lots of normal people not need snacks?

The other thing is, if I am "supposed" to have 2-3 snacks and don't, then my ED-self feels like it has power. And it likes to abuse that power. Like ughhhh.

I can't do another year in treatment (it was 11 months). I mean, I can, and I will if I need to, but I really don't want to. I don't want to need to. At least, my healthy self doesn't want that.

My healthy self is screaming. And somehow my ED just has power rn?? It doesn't have all the power... But it's got its foot in the door. And that isn't good.

And.... About a year ago my ED had about the same amount of power.. Just a tad more. And then it took full control.

But the difference is, I just spent nearly a year in intensive treatment, and it SUCKED. It was so so hard. And sure, it never really got easier, but I don't want to redo work I've already done.

Last week, I was miserable. And this week? I feel fine. But, ugh, I'm fully aware that the reason why is restriction. And I'm ashamed of that. I know better than this. And yet??