#4four4

0.  An acknowledgement that throughout all of DA’s history -- or any fandom’s history -- if one searches hard enough one can always find singular examples of a ship that provides a completely opposite outlook from what I say in my analysis. The important thing to keep in mind is that those singular examples are outliers and that they do NOT NEGATE the trend that is backed up by sheer numbers. Basically, it’s a call for people to don’t read my analysis and then reply with an endless stream of pedantic sealion noise about that one series of Cullen/Ser Cauthrien stories from 2012. Same goes for the extremely rare pre-DAI Cullen/Leliana stories. Exceptions and outliers do not negate statistically clear trends. 

1.  When DAO was created, bioware’s writers did not see Cullen as a character that would gather a hard core fandom (writer quotes exist strongly supporting this and, in some cases, outright saying it) although the person who wrote Cullen’s lines in DAO was interested in difficult, tragic romance-gone-wrong stories (again, quotes used to exist). Basically, Cullen in DAO was yet another NPC #529 as far as Bioware’s writing pit. The writers were literally surprised when an unexpected dedicated, active fandom arose around this character. 

2.  The DAO fans who made up the initial group of Cullen fans -- mostly Cullen/Surana and Cullen/Amell fans -- were very diverse from an ethnic, racial, cultural, and religious standpoint. Their art work featured far more non-white amells and suranas during the period of 2009-2011 than Alistair/mage!warden fan art (important given that Alistair and Cullen have similar story dynamics with mage!wardens). Their fanfic in 2009-2011 featured a lot of deep, problematized exploration of the Forbidden Relationship trope and of tropes that relevant in mixed White!Boy/Other!Girl relationships. This ranged from candy stories (fancomics and fanfic) about secret lovers to hard hitting and sometimes violent stories about the ways in which, for instance (a) white men fetish non-white women or treat them as things to be used, (b) the difficulties of navigating the relationship space when non-white women end up at greater risk of self hatred, self harm, depression, etc., when in cultures that regard whiteness as the ideal, ... and other stuff (I’d need to go back and look at art, comics, stories, etc from the “good ol’ days” -- heheh ;) 

3.  During the year after DA2′s release (Mar 2011 - Mar 2012), Cullen fandom remained mostly a thing off on its own -- a DAO thing. Although Cullen/Bethany and very early Cullen/mage!Hawke started appearing, the stories continued to explore notions of relationships that cross cultural border lines in ways that are not welcome and not supported by society. Again, some of these stories were extremely hardhitting -- raw and difficult to read.

4.  From mid-2012 to early-2014, Cullen fandom grew as new fans joined. These fans were far more likely to be white women from christian/post-christian culture and far more likely to ship Cullen with rogue!Hawke or warrior!Hawke. Their stories tended to not address the tropes that had been previously common. So, while this expanded Cullen fandom and raises the popularity of this character even more, it diluted  original flavor of it. Bioware takes notice of the long and unexpected history of Cullen fandom. Cullen related posts on my tumblr blog were heavily hit by IP addresses from Edmonton, btw. They appeared to be very interested in creating a Cullen character in DAI that fandom would fan over.

5.  Early-2014 thru mid-2014: During various industry conferences and conventions, a particular bioware staffer squeeeeed loudly on camera about how she filed “bugs” to the art department, asking them to make Cullen’s 3D model hotter. Literally. This was actually captured on video. Later, when Cullen’s 3D model and art were released to the public, it was clear that Bioware’s art department made Cullen whiter -- as in stereotypically germanic-white. So, hotter means whiter???  Perhaps this is unfair except...

6.  Mid-2014 thru mid-2015:  A massive group of brand new DAI Cullen fans appear out of the blue. This group was very young, mostly white, and a number of them were caught on tumblr (and elsewhere) making some very racist statements. A loud segment of them also promoted cishetnormativity and engaged in bigotry against LBGTQ representation. Frankly, it was disgusting and I stepped far away from fandom sometime in Sept 2014 after being done with what it had all become.

7.  Nov 2014 - Mid-2015:  Many female players of color along with other female religious and ethnic others, and other Otherized groups (LGBTQ, disabled) wrote critical meta about how DAI, overall, failed them. Almost all of these lists included the ways in which DAI Cullen’s story completely glosses over the final phase of his transformation across the games -- a transformation  I clearly documented for DAO and DA2 and that meta is still reblogged with surprising frequency -- and how this glossing over is an insult to the intelligence and the sheer existence of the diversity that exists in gaming fandom. 

On and off today I have poked at a private file named: New Priorities, New Writing Goals: 2K17 Edition.

Really, it is just me prioritizing a shit ton of writing projects and trying to figure out where I should combine ideas, how to direct my focus, etc. A bunch of those projects are high stakes and, frankly, medium to high stress. Some of it is literally rage-fueled writing in which the rage needs to be the fire that is used when forging the sword -- the final written pieces. The rage cannot be the fire that becomes a firestorm of words on a page. Big difference. And that makes writing very difficult because so much editing and idk. THINKING. So much. Just. (brain turning off. brain... off.)

!!!!SO LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT THOSE PROJECTS RIGHT NOW!!!!  :D

After all, rewards are needed and the best rewards are candy projects that also happen to be low hanging fruit.

OC development in fandom land is low hanging fruit. 

Trying to decide between various Quizies and Hawkes. Maybe the goal isn’t to decide and just go with whatever the mood strikes?

I need to start gaming again for a break. 

So, without getting into details (for some readers, the details are probably obvious or easy to guess or feel guessable), I no longer feel the same way about Thedas as I did before DAI came out, before fandom split along the predictable lines of the current cultural split in american (and british) politics and ... yeah. So.

I sort of don’t know what to do with Thedas’ elves after DAI happened, especially when combined with things I have heard Gaider say about elves (now deleted). So ... just like some players step away from the whole mage-templar thing, I have been feeling inclined to step away from the whole CANON portrayal of the elven characters (perhaps with a couple of exceptions as long as they are pre-DAI or ... something. idk how to define that something.)

Likewise, DAI’s portrayal of Cullen disappointed me in 2014-5 for how it ignored KEY ISSUES that really should have been addressed to explain Cullen’s *cough* transition into who he became in DAI. I mean, it was sort of insulting and while the romance is cute and feminist(tm) good, the parts that aren’t addressed have gone from an annoyance that made me pissyfaced back in late 2014 to OHFUCKHEADINHAND i just don’t even know what to do except Fanfic to the rescue or put Cullen on my ignore list. And this is only the tip of the iceberg here. I have never had a fannish situation where I have 180-ed so hard on a character.

[uh. the exhaustion is creating a blurry static noise in my head. need to step away.... get some water... finish this post later...]

.

Right. So where was I?  Low hanging fruit in order of easiest pickings.

1.  Gary Stu Hawke:  I have been itchy to replay this bastard. He is a bastard -- a purposefully shitty truth-via-wicked-parody Hawke who is the embodiment of the worst sealioning false ally you’ll ever meet who refuses to acknowledge his privilege cards and plays up his victimhood in ways that are painfully cringeworthy. Imagine a tonedeaf egotistical racially bigoted, misogynist MRA (m=men’s rights activist, but Gary is also a mage) who is also the worst kind of Tevinter fanboy. I originally created him as a nasty little private in-joke, many years ago, but I used his initial play through to rival Aveline and Varric (because normally I Just CanNOT DO THAT. omfg.)  And then add in the rivalmance hellmess he has with Fenris. For some reason it feels like his time has arrived...  (DA2 is far quicker to play thru than DAI so Hawkes in DA2 are always easier to select as low hanging fruit ;)

2.  Inquisitor Fenris:  Strangely, and it is hard for me to find words explaining why, Fenris is one of the only Elves in Thedas I want to continue exploring after my moment 2 years ago of handing the elves back to Bioware with a “thanks, but no thanks” sign on them.  (or, requires such massive rewriting I just can’t even without creating my own original fiction...)  Putting Inquisitor Fenris into the same continuity as Garrett Steward Hawke (above) just makes it all the more tasty. Fenris/Dorian. Not sure how that will work out. I’m certainly not the first to think of this much less the first to do it, but I suspect most of us who have considered this road have similar reasons. (I should probably read some of the fic? perhaps?). Anyhow: Tevinter worldbuilding galore and minus the crappy evil-orientalist shit that came with the canon.

3.  Mari Hawke version 3.0:   I ... idk. Well, I do know.  ... Okay. So, I have always liked femHawke/Isabela as my #1 feel good OTP. It’s just pure player enjoyment for me. Candy ship.  There are other canon Hawke ships that are more interesting to me for writerly reasons because of the DRAMAZ, and ... idk, maybe it would be fun to write something that is pure fluff and candy (well, I never write true candy fluff, but close enough, at least for me). ALTHOUGH, I cannot play a mage Hawke in DA2 without it morphing into my Cullen/fem!mage!Hawke player-supplied DLC. ;)   ...and given how DAI and everything about the past two years have changed my feelings and opinions and comfort level with everything elven (except for Fenris who used to be my least favorite character in DA2 and now, heh, nope. now I like him) and EVERYTHING about Cullen’s transformation from DA2 to DAI, I just ... maybe I just wanna kick Merrill out of that weird threesome and make it a thing where MariHawke(mage) and Isabela have an extremely tight yet *open* relationship and where Mari and Cullen have a far more strained (lol, and it was already strained) and difficult relationship. I just ... idk. I sort of want to compost 70% my million words of old Mari/Cullen verse and see if any of the themes are useful in orig fic while keeping whatever needs to remain in Kirkwall in Fanfic land and radically changing the nature of it. More like Bela/Hawke+Cullen with a very different flavor that is more .... idk. relevant to 2017? Bitingly critical?

4.  New Fruit Just Ripened -- I never thought about making an Inquisitor Isabela until right this very moment now:  Huh.  Hm.

That could be an interesting follow on to #3.  I don’t even know who she would romance in game or how I would mentally adapt the Trevelyan parts to her (lol, impersonation?!) although I guess out of game it could continue the Bela/Hawke+Cullen story? Orsomething. Iguess. i... Brain twists. For some reason I see Bela/Josephine like whoa.   I mean WHOA.  Maybe this gives me a space to fix all of the omissions I cannot stand in Cullen’s DA2 to DAI transition? idk. 

5.  Rozina Trevelyan -- a normal vanilla playthrough, more or less: So, originally this was an excuse for me to do a load of personally meaningful worldbuilding and thedas-reclamation in Ostwick. I need to make Thedas more purposeful to me. (it is a writerly thing as compost for other projects).

Originally planned a Roz/Cullen PT with Roz siding with the templars but then the templars quest creeped me the fuck out so hard I sort of stopped playing and then I think I finished the quest(?) but that was back in late September and then I had no time to play up to skyhold and ... Maybe I’ll just have her romance Josephine? Because of my Cullen issues (above). Except if I have a Bela/Jo game then Jo is already covered? I am just so befuddled what to do here. I guess I just have to return to that game (maybe review a few key scenes/saves) and then do an OC writing questionnaire to help myself find this OC?  I almost want to restart her from the beginning for the 3rd time except ugh, the beginning of DAI is such a slog. ;)

...

All other Hawkes and Quizzies do not feed my muse atm. Same for absolutely all wardens. 

So. There’s a list!

It is constructive!

I really need to just grab some low hanging fruit from the tree and go go go.

It sounds like a mess but just naming my mess is constructive.

At the very least: inspo blogging and character development memes.

2016 ended just shy of 100k words with almost nothing in a publishable or postable state, and given that I write professionally as well as a fan so this is fucking abysmal for me in general and really fucking abysmal compared to my count in all prior years. And this is really not how to do what I am supposed to be doing, if you catch my drift.

I know what 2016 was a bad writing year. 2015 wasn’t great either, tbh, but I got a lot of writing done even if it was marked by many long breaks.

So far, for 2017, my word count sits at barely 1000.  (This trend cannot continue).

But unlike in prior years -- many years, filled with many hundreds of thousands of words, and scrivener files that total in the millions, and publications, and blah blah blah -- ever since the sociopolitical climate in the english speaking western world became Really Ugly. writing for publication started exhausting me. Academic writing and general science writing? Exhausting. Fiction writing? Exhausting. Fandom writing? Fucking Exhausting with exhaustion trolls barfed all over it.

Sealions. Concern Trolling. Faux-allies. Not so vague Vague Blogging. White Fragility. White Liberalism(tm). White Feminism(tm). Being around people who casually say so many toxic things without a moment’s hesitation despite calling themselves liberal voters and allies, etc. I just... fuck it.

I found everything about communication with words too fucking exhausting to continue with it.

I spent a few years writing a massive shit ton of fanfiction that was either only for myself or privately shared or quietly/privately co-written. 

I became too exhausted with sealions and white fragility and male fragility and the culture of “don’t question any of this” in academia to even ... to... oh, just fuck it.  fuck all of it. fuck every last piece of it. they couldn’t pay me enough to retain me. I closed down my research lab and got the fucking fuck out.

And (original) fiction writing? Hahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Fuck me. I don’t even have the energy to explain how this fell apart. I felt like all of my words were being stolen from me. I can’t even explain this. Personally, I don’t even want to.

....

Well, so now it is Feb 2017 and I have a lot of fucking words I need to write. Except the thought of writing has gone from “exciting! Yay!” (many years long ago) to “tiring, but I can control my experience or just write for myself or a select few” (2014-2016) to “fuck I am so exhausted; the thought of writing makes my brain turn off. i have no words.”

And this is a problem.

The only word I have left is FUCK.

If anyone has a constructive thought, I’m curious.

Wary to post this because it is the open internet. But I am curious.