#29.3.19

But even with you it wasn’t this way. And I know I wasn’t the best in the beginning but I still don’t know what I did to drive you away, to make someone so willing to run into someone else’s arms then so willing to run back to me. And I realize that I allowed that, and I was okay with it at first, and I’ve said countless times that I’m going to let it go. But I can’t. Because I still feel second best. Because regardless of the situation, I was still an option and not chosen on the first round. Yeah you came around, but that was after you hurt me and made me think I wasn’t enough. Just like everyone else. And I don’t know what I need to do to be enough. Do I need to lose weight? Do I need to talk less? Do I need to be someone else entirely?

I just want someone that chooses me on the first round, and continues to choose me. Because I’m worthy. Even though right now I don’t feel like I am, even though I’ve never actually been made to feel like I am. I want to be chosen. I want someone to see me and not want to explore other options. I want to be it.

I love you beyond words but I still don’t feel enough. Because from the beginning I was a consolation prize after she didn’t work out. Because I wasn’t enough to keep you from running back into her arms. I just want to feel like I’m worth it for you, but I’m afraid that no matter what happens now, the past is the foundation for our future. I will always remember you choosing her over me. Just like everyone else has. And no matter what you say, those images will never leave my head. I want to be happy, but everything comes back to haunt me. I don’t know what else to do, because I’ve tried it all and nothing is enough to erase the pain I’ve felt for all these months.

Date : 29 March 2019

Duration : 18 minutes at bedtime.

Depth :

‘Am proud of those 18 minutes ! The last 3-4 minutes from those 18 minutes were past midnight. That’s why I am proud. I nearly fell asleep with the meditation app in place but the timer still not clicked on. While waiting to sit straight up ‘in a moment’, I could very well have fallen asleep after a loud and long evening. It was an event organised by my child’s school that ate up my attention.

Just to have founded a habit to straighten one’s spine for meditation despite unusual activity prior to the session, is a blessed thing. Within the session there were paused breaths and a handful of suspended breaths. It’s when the suspended breaths came along, my mind couldn’t last the powerful suggestions from the deep subconscious. The suggestion to sleep is a strong temptation.