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Coding until my elbows hurt from staying in the same position. I'm learning Lisp/Scheme/Racket and oh god. Those last few days have been hectic, and I also solved a shit ton of graded Logic exercises and worked so hard for so long I didn't even take pics from anything study-related :D
THIS THING IS HAARD
I do have a few updates on how things are going, but that'll have to go under the cut. TLDR; I'm alive, still doing my Master's, but with a lighter heart after next week (or so I hope).
Do you remember that post from last month where I was shitting my pants about doing a presentation at the END of the semester? And like, thinking about giving up on my Master's out of sheer anxiety.
That one. I have until the end of september to cancel it, and I'm seriously thinking about doing it. Sent a few emails already, and currently just waiting for the green light from my advisor.
That class' teacher, since day one, said he expected nothing but very, very good grades from the post-grads, bc we have this class with the undergrads, and if they can do it, we have to do it better. 3 exams + 3 graded assignments + a final worth 60% of the final grade for the undergrads, and for the post-grads, an additional final presentation about any programming language.
I'm not understanding shit since day one.
Iāve got a bachelorās in Bioinformatics, and I get that I didnāt go super deep into stuff like you would in a pure CompSci degree. But still, I had to code a lot; and watching the undergrads just breeze through classes while Iām eating dirt is so, so frustrating. I feel fucking stupid, dumb, like maybe coding just isnāt for me. These past few days Iāve really questioned if I picked the right field at all.
I decided to drop this class.
Weāve got our first exam next week, and when I started studying I just broke down crying. For the past three days, every single time a slightly harder concept came up, I cried, because it felt impossible. Not understanding code feels like reading in a foreign idiom, where youāve got to figure out what every damn thing means and does. Knowing Python, C++, C ā none of that helped me with Racket. And the class is supposedly easy! Trivial! Basic! Thatās why Iām spiraling, panicking so much.
This course has only brought me anxiety and sadness since day one. And the professor seems like a decent person, and the material is apparently āeasyā, which just makes me think the problem is me. I canāt code, I donāt know enough CS, I shouldāve just gone for a masterās in bioinformatics.
I vented to my best friend today; heās still an undergrad. At first he comforted me, saying the professorās probably just an ass and I should just drop the class. Then he asked how many courses Iām taking right now. Three! Just three. And I already want to drop one. I need six total to graduate in the next few semesters, and Iām only in my first.
A couple messages later he told me three is way too few and the problem isnāt time management or anything like that ā itās my fucked up head. What I really need is therapy.
Itās hard to talk about this here, because youāre only hearing my side, so maybe youāll just take my side automatically; so Iāll leave it up to you whether heās right or not. What matters to me is that I was crying when he said that, and he knew it. Last week when he was crying about his own problems, I literally left my class to send him voice messages, trying to cheer him up. He always says I can count on him for the hard stuff too, but it always ends the same way: him telling me I just need a psychologist, and that's it.
Which⦠might be true. From your pov, I could be totally crazy or hiding way more issues than I let on (which isn't to say therapy is only for crazy people; it just isn't what I think would help me right now; a personal choice). Maybe I lean too much on this friend, maybe I overshare. My only defense is that today he left me feeling so, so much worse, and it was just a 10-minute conversation. Ten minutes to reach that conclusion, throw the problem aside, and pin all the blame on me ā that the issue isnāt the class, itās my head.
My decision to drop the class came hours later, after trying to study more, after reading the rules carefully and distracting myself to calm down, to think more neutrally. I could keep going, but itās only the first month and itās already wrecking me. I donāt know if itās really worth it just for the credits. I havenāt fully decided yet, but the deadline is soon, and Iām leaning toward quitting. Just thinking about studying for that first test already brings me to tears.
Maybe itās just me being dramatic, anxious, too sensitive. But if a friend were going through this, I donāt think Iād be half as cruel as my own brain is, telling me Iām dumb and Iāll never finish this degree if I canāt even keep up with this class.
In the end, I still havenāt answered my friend, who asked hours later if I was okay. Iām waiting to hear from my advisor, to see if she supports this choice or has advice. But my harshest critic is me ā I can only see the whole situation through this hopeless lens. Itās been a long time since I last cried over school classes. I just hope it all turns out okay.
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