#24.06.2024

Reminding myself tonight not to let the bullshit get me down and that sometimes fighting for your life looks like taking care of yourself and choosing peace, if that's what gives you the life you want. Because I do not want a life filled with rage and chaos and hatred and compounding trauma. I extricated myself from a truly horrendous bio family situation so I could fall asleep without struggling, not have nightmares, not have health complications from stress, not feel my scalp prickle and my throat feel tight around them. I can breathe so much easier, I am in the best health of my life in terms of heart performance, endurance, flexibility, strength. I have mild reflux yes but I am getting older and had a history of NSAID use from an undiagnosed chronic pain condition I couldn't afford the surgery for until 2 years ago. I'm actually kicking ass. And I will manage this reflux like I managed way harder stuff. I'm not about to be pulled back in to the pit. I can only assure my bio sister that it's better not to play around the edge of the pit, but she's now old enough and informed enough to make her own decisions. It's not like she doesn't have the luxuries I have, she got them too. Her approach is different probably because her experience of the abuse was different. Maybe I'm lucky to have been scapegoated the way I was, because it means you have a litany of horrible memories to fall back on when you wonder whether the estrangement is justified.