#23.4.19

Date : 23 April 2019

Duration : 25 minutes at bedtime.

Depth :

Last night’s meditation session can be best described as ‘satisfying but without spiritual progress.’ The deep subconscious kept me bound to it and my present stamina to meditate kept me going in the deep subconscious. At 25 minutes I stopped simply because the reminder bell rung.

To be able to struggle at the level I am at, gives a satisfying feeling. Glad to be able to keep up with the deep subconscious and its corresponding breath. Suspended breaths took me a while to get used to. These days, after meditation when I lay down to sleep, I find my sleepy breath way too fast compared to the breathing style just prior to sleep. Suspending breaths through a calming technique is awfully restful.

I spoke to one of the staff which really wasn't the plan. Not about anything serious, but I had planned to avoid talking to them at all.

Went to biology this morning and the teacher didn't even acknowledge my existence, so I didn't go to the lesson I was meant to have this afternoon.

Did the long walk again. Tomorrow I think it's going to be raining but I'll do it anyway.

Didn't eat anything until 5pm. I have eaten ~800 since then though. I have this app I'm tracking food on, and it kept saying I hadn't eaten enough, and I was hungry, so I had a couple of chocolate things. It's still saying I need to eat more but I'm not going to.

Tomorrow I have no lessons. The person running shift tonight is also running tomorrow's day shift. She doesn't want me to spend the whole day in my room. Guess what I'm probably going to do? I'll walk in the evening, but not until 5:30ish.

I need to eat less tomorrow. Today I ate a bit before I walked (~160) but I'm going to try to leave it until afterwards tomorrow. Today I made a bottle of squash at lunchtime which helped me feel less hungry, so I might do that at lunch and before I walk tomorrow.

I'll probably stay up quite late tonight. I'll get woken about 10 tomorrow, but I can go back to sleep. Gives me less time to be hungry if I'm asleep.

My mum sent me through a form I'm meant to fill in before my annual review meeting in just over 3 weeks time. I can't answer the questions so I'm just going to leave it. I also don't think I'll go to the meeting.

I didn't tell L today that I'm not going to see P on Thursday. I was going to tell her this afternoon but then I didn't go back in. Idk how to tell her except by not turning up.

I also haven't told anyone here I've quit the choir I was in, and I guess they'll be expecting to take me on Thursday. I need to tell them tomorrow.

Food:

Wotsits and jelly (160) - 5pm

Noodles, mini eggs, curly wurly (500) - 8-9:30pm

A couple of bits of smashed lolly. I don't know the kcal