#20w3d

So much has been going on and honestly, all of it good.

House stuff. I mentioned it briefly, but I’m so stoked that I’ll say it again: our old house is SOLD. Off the market. We no longer own it. It’s someone else’s problem. Since getting the offer in December-ish I looked so forward to closing day and finally saying goodbye. It’s more or less sunken in now, that we no longer need to worry about the dead tree in the yard possibly falling or running back to that house 1.5 hours away because of some repair.

Financial stuff. The sale of the old house has given us such breathing room financially, I can’t even begin to explain. As the half of the marriage that does the bills, this has done wonders for my stress and mental health. What a profound relief. We’re already considering future investments and plans, but mostly I just want to enjoy this for a few months.

Work stuff. I won’t say much on it, but someone reached out to me with a potential interesting opportunity and I’ll be interviewing this week. All good vibes accepted.

Toddler stuff. Pep is growing and blooming and his vocabulary is expanding in such fun ways. The other day, he and B were heading to the park and B asked him if he wanted to give mommy a kiss goodbye. He turned around and came back for a smooch, then went to head to the car. A few steps into his walk to the car, he turned around again and said “one more.” and his little tush turned around to give me a second kiss goodbye. I mean… my heart.

Baby stuff. We had the anatomy scan (because I’m officially 20 weeks!) yesterday and B got to come along. My parents took the day off and came to watch Pep while we went to the scan together. It was so lovely, and most important, everything is looking normal and healthy. Tiny man is 14oz.. almost a pound. The kicks and flutters are more common now and I’m loving the reassurance of feeling him rolling around.

Home improvement stuff. The plan was always to finish off 1/2 of our unfinished basement area which was used for storage and use that newly finished room as my office/an extra couch-pullout bed space/workout space. B has started on that project and it’s coming along quickly (partly thanks to help from my dad). Looking forward to my new home office having a window!

While it’s not really part of my “good stuff” inventory, I’ve of course got my share of grief stuff too. My brain understands that I’m pregnant and yet I’m still pretty solidly in denial of actually raising two happy babes together because of everything we’ve been through. I can’t picture it. I want it so badly but I guess on some level I don’t want to let myself believe in it completely. Aside from that, I have gotten notably worse at reaching out to people. I also get annoyed/angry easily - there’s a lot of internal regulation that happens all day, every day. My memory still sucks, but general recall has gotten easier. I’m exhausted daily. How much of that is pregnancy vs grief vs general human stuff, who knows. I think daily about starting therapy again. I probably will soon, because I want that support in place for labor, delivery, and the postpartum journey.

I am someone who really tries not to be a complainer. However. This winter weather is beating the absolute life out of my sinuses and I am about up to here with it. I think being pregnant is also compounding the issue, because I would normally notice significant relief with a humidifier, but even though I’m sleeping inches from one, it makes no difference. How can a nose be constantly congested and snotty and yet also so painfully dry? Not to mention the tiny cuts all over my hands from being dry as a bone. Biology, you dick.

You ever get the sensation that you’re on the hamster wheel, so to speak? Every day is the same? Get up, care for other people, work, juggle a bunch of tasks you have no energy for, think about how tired you are, eat, pray you get some sleep that night, go to bed, repeat. I’m definitely riding that wheel these days and I think the fact that it’s like 3*F outside all the time is making it more intense.

Thank goodness for things like a hot bowl of chili. And for my anatomy scan, which was yesterday, which went really well. It was awesome getting to have B there — he loved being able to see this one, since he couldn’t come to pep’s. I also got to see the doctor who delivered pep, which was great.

The last few days, pep has been running a fever resulting from the MMR and chicken pox vaccines he got recently. After speaking to the pediatrician yesterday, she set my mind at ease, but man I was freaking out there for a bit. It’s scary to see 103-104* on a thermometer while you’re doing everything you can to care for this tiny baby. It makes them seem all the more tiny and helpless and vulnerable. This morning we woke up and the fever had broken overnight. 98.7*. Talk about a huge sigh of relief. He’s still massively fussy — more so than when he actually had a fever — but I hope that’ll wear off.

I’m just now finishing up work for the day — off to do my mom duties for an hour or two before I can relax a bit before bed. I think tonight calls for some hot tea and honey and some comfort tv. Speaking of which: has anyone watched The Woman in the House across the Street from the Girl in the Window? It’s on Netflix and friends, I loved it. I love Kristen Bell, so I’m biased, but it’s worth a watch. Now we’re rewatching season 1 of The Righteous Gemstones so that we can roll right into season 2. Another great show.