#2017 reflections

1) Stop holding onto that which clearly isnt meant for you. Or maybe it is but not in this moment. Whatever the case, leave it to Him and know that He never forgets. Go with the flow of your affairs even if they are breaking you inside. Its not a curse, I promise.

2) You will lose friends that you thought will give a speech on your wedding day. You will lose friends that you wanted to travel with. You will lose friends that once never forgot your birthday. You will lose friends that loved to hang out with you. All in all, you will lose friends that knew everything about you and thats okay, maybe not right now but it will be okay.

3) Your time will come. But you will become impatient and frustrated seeing others achieving the things you have been waiting on for a while now, and its okay. Give yourself a break and complain about everything to Him. Tell Him your expectations and disappointments and then get back up on your feet and keep waiting patiently. Your time will come.

4) Stop spending so much time on Facebook and Instagram. It steals your happiness and convinces you that your life sucks. It will make you extremely insecure about your whole life. There will always be someone who is better looking then you, wealthier and more successful, more stable but someone somewhere has the same perception about you so really at the end of the day, you gotta show gratitude for what you have right now. So, go out and spend more time with your friends, family as well as nature. Give those fingers a break.

5) Pray. Pray. Pray. Dont stop praying, even if its just one salah a day. Keep going.

Let me tell you a truth, A truth about my youth It's nothing that exciting Nor something so inviting And it isn't anything uncouth

I'm afraid there's something wrong with me I'm afraid that it's not normal, you see The thing is I can't remember much Of happenings in the past, as such Everything is quite a blur to me

I don't think that it's that serious I still learn, I'm not delirious It's just that compared with other people I remember very little And I guess it makes curious

Well I often get distracted really The same as I forget things easily And I'm often in a pickle For forgetting simple And I guess it impacts me negatively

So this past year if they are asking To know what has been happening I wouldn't know how to answer For the little I remember Is only about major events I found interesting

Maybe I'm just blowing this up I do remember, just not detailed enough Kinda like snippets or flashes And although its not much of a basis I do still think (for me) it's enough

2017 Reflections

When March rolled around, I finally made the choice to commit to a major, to gain a slight bit of direction in my life. A Communications degree is pretty broad, and still leaves me a lot of options (my emphasis is speech comm, which basically just means i’m not interested in the journalism realm). I still don’t really have any idea what I want to do, but I am starting to feel like there’s direction, and I’m okay with taking time to know what’ll make me happy. I like knowing that i’m not at a complete standstill anymore.

Probably the most exciting event of my year was traveling to Italy, breaking from my previous US-Canada limits. Getting to experience just a little bit of a new culture was such an amazing experience. Swimming in the Mediterranean. Tossing a coin into the Trevi Fountain (fulfilling at least part of my desire to reenact the Lizzie McGuire movie). Seeing a part of the world I’d only seen glimmers of, and being blown away when it was right in front of my eyes. My mom gave each of us (and by us, I mean my dad, my two siblings, and I) a photobook as a Christmas present, but even without, I know i’ll never forget those two weeks. (not to mention all the amazing pasta and pizza I had)

Since going back to school, I’ve tried to focus a lot of my energy into developing more friendships. Making friends is not something that comes naturally to me--I remember when I came home for Thanksgiving and I heard about my sister’s first semester of college, I had a solid moment just thinking, “Wow, have I made any friends in school?” Even so, I’ve spent time trying to create friendships (mainly with people in my major, since I’ll definitely be seeing them a lot for the next few semesters) and developing existing friendships (mainly with my theater/dance friends). I feel like I’m making some progress, but things don’t change overnight. I’m just hoping I can continue making progress on this front in the coming year and beyond. On a side note, some of my friends are doing amazing things right now, and that fills me with so much happiness--seeing people I care about do wonderful things, be it missionary work or finding their voice again.

2017 brought the end of a decade for me with the start of an age--I turned 20 in July. It’s funny how we always expect one birthday to just crown us as an adult. I am no longer a teenager, which just feels weird to type. To be honest, I still feel like I am 13 sometimes. I don’t know when or how I’ll actually feel like a full-fledged adult--it seems more like a gradual thing, in my opinion.

2017 also brought some good, little, trivial things, mainly in the realms of entertainment (read: my fandoms). At the beginning of the year, I had no idea we’d get anything like Reputation. I’ve been loving Melodrama and Divide, the latter of which I got to jam to live at the end of July, when I saw Ed with my sister. There were several movies I thoroughly enjoyed this year, but that’s not necessarily exclusive to 2017. Crazy Ex Girlfriend is still the best show on TV, but I’ve also found new delights in Riverdale, The Good Place, and This is Us. This isn’t even mentioning that I am halfway through reading the Harry Potter series for the first time.

2017, overall, was a unique year. Some major changes, some minor tweaks, and some things remaining the same. I’d be lying if I said this was the year where everything started to change for the better or where I finally found true happiness. I don’t know if there will ever be a year like that. But I hope I can look back and see that this was a step in the right direction.

some great things that came out of this year was getting to see my friends a lot! seeing the empty apartment bedroom turn into MY bedroom. learning to paint watercolors without sketching first. understanding inner children and putting more serious work towards trauma self-recovery! learning i don’t deserve the bullshit my family puts me through, and that I’m not obligated to stay with them. reading more than I have in a long time! made it a whole year on the trauma forum!

a lot of struggle. i started the year out fairly well I think, but a lot of it was coasting and a hopeful progression towards happiness. im genuinely happy (still, forever) that a lot of my trauma work is inspired by shiro and really wouldn’t know what i know or be where i’m at without him tbh! next year i’ll be even stronger. even if just a teeny bit. regardless, i’ll keep recovering and working.

goals from 2017

get a concrete routine for self care

go back to using a planner

read more books

work on my art story

move out

get some funds for moving out

halfway through the year I’d forgotten about this and kinda sailed through the rest of the year doing whatever. but i’m surprised! i stopped using a planner in september though (just 2 months after I’d started) and all my funds ran out due to some emergencies and also bad planning and money management so I’ll have to start fresh again. but I have been reading more and implementing some self soothing practices that have helped me calm down when i’ve been triggered so that’s good n i’ll be continuing those into the new year.

2018 goals

1.) ***exist for myself first and foremost***

- learning that i’m not a tool for entertainment!

2.) open art commissions

3.) move out

- this means better $$ planning - essentials bag packed by end of jan

4.) call school to figure out loans/transferring

5.) consume and surround myself with art

- reading art books n mags - painting more!

6.) be able to ask for help (emotional or otherwise) without feeling guilty or as though i’m a burden for asking

- or assuming no one cares or is too busy

7.) finish my next trauma book (The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma)

- put into practice some self care and self recovery routines

8.) being proactive and have initiative. learn to be Aware and stop coasting

- be Realistic but also don’t wait for others to give permission to do things. - do research!! don’t wait to be told about things I should know about in advance!

i feel like that’s a LOT of goals, but they seem pretty realistic. there’s some fine print for all of them (like dates). i know some will take a long time to get started working on and i accept that. i’ve got a year to start working on them and many of them go alongside others. i should say I think I did a really good job in confronting my own personal issues and shortcomings and with that knowledge I think I can make it through 2018 confidently!

The past few weeks have been largely blah without a lot of posting here. I’ve been all “21 day fix, I’m gonna do this!” and then I didn’t. I went to my parents’ house in Georgia for a week, and it was nice to see family but I spent so much time sitting down being inactive and I ate SO MUCH bread and cheese and sugar that I just feel terrible. Honestly, I haven’t felt this bad in a long time - bloated and foggy-brained and headachy and tired but not sleeping well. 

So I’m ending 2017 feeling kinda lousy, but looking back, it’s been a GREAT year. In 2017 I:

visited 12 new states (2 for work, 10 for pleasure)

saw Hamilton in Chicago

went on my first (and second) backpacking trip

hiked and mountain biked and skinny dipped

tried sushi for the first time, hated it, but then 6 months later gave it another try and loved it (and now eat it often)

transitioned fully from my engineering role into my business development role

ran 3 5k races

went back to Vogel State Park (my favorite) for the first time in 5 years

went to an air show for the first time (and cried at the F-22 demo)

read 16 books (blew away my goal of reading 10 books)

grew my emergency fund to one month’s income (meeting my 2017 savings goal)

and lots and lots of other things. It was a great year of new experiences and lots and lots of joy.

It also had shitty moments (recurring health issues anyone?) like any year does, but on the whole it was an amazing year. Maybe the best I’ve had in a long time. And I am ending it feeling happy.