#16w0d

I’m in the office today for work - something of a novelty, lately, since I’ve been commuting in roughly once a week.

I told my boss this morning that I’m expecting - again - and we had a hearty laugh together over the fact that she could of course tell before I told her. The bump is out. I think I’m slightly in denial that I’m really showing that much because it still feels early and I can’t even really feel the baby kicking yet. Alas, people are side-eyeing my belly. Let ‘em. Baby bumps are cute.

I told my boss that three pregnancies was never the plan, but life happens, I guess, and here we are. She took it to mean that this pregnancy was unplanned, or somehow an oops situation, but what I really meant was that I never intended to lose a child. I expected to be pregnant twice and raise two wonderful children. I suppose it doesn’t much matter what she thought I meant, big picture.

Trying to work through the fact that I’m extra aware of judgment from other people with this pregnancy in particular. 1) it comes FAST on the heels of my second pregnancy and 2) it comes with a lot of extra emotions and whatnot because it also comes FAST on the heels of losing that baby. It’s a lot. He was born in early June, we lost him late August, and I was pregnant again in November.

What I know to be true is that when we lost him, I immediately knew without question that I wanted to try for another. Not to replace him, obviously, but because ultimately I want to raise pep with a sibling who is here on earth with us. I never imagined myself as a mom to an only child. Of course it goes without saying there’s absolutely nothing wrong with having one child, but it never felt right for me personally. I knew whether or not I was lucky enough to get pregnant again, that pip would always be mine. I’d always have three kids, just that two of them are here on earth with me.

Because of all this, I find myself reluctant to tell people that I’m expecting this time around. I just don’t want the judgment. I don’t want people to be forced to be like “oh I’m so happy for you!” .. I dunno. I’m sure it’s my stuff, not anyone else’s, and I’ll work through it. Plus, either way it’s gonna get to the point where I don’t have to tell anyone verbally. My belly will do it for me.

I suppose it’s on my mind a lot today. Hopefully none of this comes across like I’m not incredibly grateful and super excited. I am. I’m actually doing better lately mentally than I’ve been. It’s just all so complex.