#13.11.18

Emotionally exhausting day.

I also did not sleep very well last night which probably did not help.

I had an appointment with the hospital obstetric psychology service. I am afraid of so many things that it is hard knowing where to start or what to say.

I am afraid of what happens when the baby is born. I am afraid I will break it, I won’t know what to do with it, I will somehow ruin it. I don’t want baby to grow up the way that I did. I don’t know what a family looks like so how am I going to get this right?

I am afraid I won’t be able to keep her safe. The world is so big and so unkind and cruel and often with no reason and I can barely manage myself- how do I keep another helpless human safe?

Lots of fears and I know some are valid, but the intensity of these fears are not.

But I have a Big Big fear of actually having the baby. I have refused to think about it, refused to bring it up because the thought of it terrifies me. I know pain can be managed but thought of not having any control, the thought of the unknown, the thought of people, strangers, seeing me- actually seeing me - in a state where I am raw, vulnerable, out of control and unable to run, unable to hide.... it terrifies me.

I don’t like not knowing what is happening I don’t want people to look at me I don’t want to be seen I don’t want to be touched I want to disappear I am afraid I will freeze and get stuck

“I’m guessing the show’s host Courtney Act (aka Shane Jenek) would have been hilarious to shoot with. What was she really like?

It was absolutely amazing because when you have a judge on a show, you think maybe they’ll fly in and fly out a bit. But we were literally overwhelmed with how much support we did get off Shane and Courtney, whether it was at the parties, whether it was one-on-one, or whether it was in a group. We are actually really close now. “