#12c

“Your Imperial Highness, thank you for coming to visit the palace. I understand you must be very busy, but I believe all the concubines appreciated your presence, they were overjoyed with your arrival just as I was.

I dearly apologize for falling ill, making your presence feel entirely somber. The company is much appreciated, and I was told I should be able to walk on my own in the coming weeks. I would like to ask you not to worry, I will be fine even despite me being dissonant.

I must admit to you, my dear, that the reason for my behavior is not because I have fallen ill. In fact, I fear it may be the opposite, that the reason I am ill is because of my behavior.

I am not sure if you remember this, but when I first came to your quarters after you ordained me as your concubine, you told me that as I was as beautiful as the water lilies that sprouted in your childhood river. I keep that regard close to my chest. And if you may have noticed, I have a lot of water lilies surrounding my area of the palace.

Why do I care to remind you of this? Well, it’s because when my ladies-in-waiting heard of this, they took care to spread the idea that you consider me as ‘the most beautiful concubine’, which I feel my cheeks burn when I recall such a thing.

And, I believe that’s the root of my problem, my dear. You consider me a beautiful woman, and so does everyone in the palace. But, I do not particularly enjoy the notion. It quite upsets me. It is not as if I do not enjoy it when it comes from you, no, I love everything that comes from you. It is… difficult to explain.

There was a time in life where I snuck out of my home, and I was dressed up as a commoner man to avoid drawing attention. That, was one of the happiest days in my life, or I suppose I should say week. I spent a whole week in town before I was dragged back by my ear by my mother. People held me in high regard even if I wasn’t dressed as I normally am. They revered me, I was likable. I felt likable.

I want you to perceive me as likable, as well. I want my servants to perceive me as someone to hold in high regard, not simply because I am just your concubine, but because I am… I don’t know the word. Apologies. This may not make any sense.

I sound deranged. You adore me for being your most gorgeous woman; and yet I don’t want such a thing. I would adore to remain your concubine, however these feelings are not giving me the will to go on as such. I despise how I look every single day I walk this earth knowing that there was only one day I felt truly comfortable in my own skin.

Please forgive me for feeling this way. I do not know what is wrong with me. I adore being your concubine, being your woman. But the idea of remaining like this makes me sick. I feel guilty for burdening you with my problems, but I am unsure how else to proceed.

I fear I might die if I don’t admit this now.

You are one of the most kind, caring, and forgiving men I have ever met, and the nights I spend with you are one I cannot forget ever. You make me feel safe, and that is why I tell you this, even if it may risk my position as you beloved.

I am sure it is late by the time you read this, so do get some rest tonight. I will see you another day, whenever you choose to visit.

(tw for mentions of suicide!)

My lady, I apologize that you must see me this way, for I know that you care for me just as I have you and I, as your sole lady-in-waiting, was one of the few people who would look you in the eye and hold respect for you. I apologize for my definite absence in your life from now on, and I hope you can forgive me.

A year ago today, I understand you attempted to end your own life just as I have now. You were dressed in this exact clothing, your hair put up the same way as mine, and you had written a letter the same way I have. This is no mistake on my part, I am purposely mimicking you.

You, my lady, are full of splendor and delicacy, one in which I am proud to say I have served for as long as I did. I apologize for being so rude to you in the beginning of our relationship, even despite the fact we were both in similar positions. You never deserved such treatment, and I never deserved the high praise you have given me.

My lady, being by your side has fulfilled me, and I cannot bear the thought of you leaving me as you wanted to a year ago. You have a beautiful heart and soul, one that should be praised to the heavens, not to be wasted by hanging rope. You deserve a life you want to live and so much more.

Everything I have done for you up until this point, is done out of love, even now as I leave you.

I was never a religious person, but for you I would be. You are my god, my universe, you are the one thing I hold dearly above all. You are the one I worship, and I hold no regrets other than the fact that you will be alone after my death.

I have never been able to give you your own jewelry nor dresses, for I was never taught how to sew correctly or make fine jewelry, so please consider this parting as a gift rather than a loss. I’m giving you the chance to lead the life you always wanted.

I left my clothes on your bed. I also left my jewelry and my daily routine in writing. I left every letter I have every written to anyone. Please, take my place in this world. I will act as you. The emperor will assume you have died, and will presumably ask you whether or not you would like to keep working in the palace under the pretense you are me.

I understand you like to draw. You have piles of sketchbooks hidden away; you engrave your drawings on your walls and on rice grains, you are extremely talented. It’s as if your hands bring life to everything you touch. I would like you to pursue this passion of yours, to be the woman you have always wanted to be.

This is selfish of me to ask of you, I could imagine you’re in indescribable pain right now, and I once again apologize. I don’t mean to make you feel more pain than you have gone through. Please know, one of us would have definitely gone this way, and I would rather it be me over you.

I made an oath once I become your lady-in-waiting, that I would serve you diligently and without hesitation. And if I could, I want to do so for eternity. To remain by your side forevermore would be my greatest honor.

Please don’t shed tears over me. You’re too pretty to be wasting tears over someone below you. I would rather you hate me than wish for my return.

I love you.

That is selfish of me to say. I know that. I’m unworthy to even speak to you. I’m unworthy to even touch you if it weren’t for the fact I’m your lady-in-waiting. I’m a hypocrite for loving you.

But I’m your hypocrite. You will always be my lady and I will always be by your side even in death.

I love you even in death. There will never be a moment where you are without me.

I live to serve you, and even in death, I will serve you.

I pray that we will meet again, in our next life.