#10132019

It felt like I broke up with someone when Kaye had no choice but to agree being in a commitment with someone who pushes it thru harassment. It leaves Kaye no choice because life was on line.

I could not stop imagining things and I was asking myself why am I imagining so much. I was imagining scenarios now that they are technically committed, regardless on how they agreed on it.

I have cried three times because of Kaye. One, is because everything will change once they are in a relationship. She’ll be locked pleasing that person because she commits to that. Two, we cant have our normal lives talking our way the way we were all this time. It was really painful on my part to have lost the battle of convincing Kaye not to do it. More often than not, at the end of the day, I still thought the she’ll choose that someone over someone that understands her more than anyone, that is, me. 

Gusto ko nalang isipin na hindi naman ako nagkulang and naging masamang tao kay Kaye sakaling dumating ang araw na talagang bitawan na nya. Worst case scenario prep, kumbaga. Kaya nga hindi ako pwede maging emotionally dependent sakanya kasi tao lang rin si Kaye, it makes her limited. Ngayon pa nga lang, pinili na nya ang mali just to have time to breath.

Di mo talaga mabibli ang peace of mind.

I told her, dahil sa nangyari, natakot na ko lalo maattach sa tao. Kasi alam mo yun, kahit ikaw ang nasa tama, hindi naman parin pipiliin, dahil sa circumstances.

Minsan I was asking why am I pushing myself too hard para piliin ang views ko ni Kaye.

Ah. Maybe because she cant see what’s real and what’s not. And sayang kasi ang pagkatao niya that she gives it to someone na uubusin lang siya.

From now on, I must release myself from that dependency, kasi masyado mabigat and masakit yung iniyak ko nung thursday night, October 10. I told myself, ang dami kong pagsisisi... Pagsisisi na bakit ba ko naattach ng ganto sa taong may complicated na situation. 

Resignation was always an option sa akin. Hindi ko kasi kayang matanggap yung situation.

But I was telling myself that my value must not stop at someone who did not chose what I tell her is right. My family loves me, most of the people of work loves me, does not want me to leave because they believe in me. 

Kung sakali man dumating ang araw na hindi maging unfavorable sa akin, which I think will happen, that must be at a point were I am ready to release myself from this emotional attachment.