"Controlled Chaos"

But honestly I just hear and say "bleh-shoe".

This week has absolutely been the worst week of 2019, by far.

I’ve just been so incredibly anxious lately. Even though i’ve beaten my depression, my anxiety is something that has stuck around. It’s always been a real doozy, too. 

Sound is a really big trigger for me. Loud sounds and background noise can trigger my anxiety, but likewise being anxious makes sound more irritable, which in turn makes me more anxious, etc.

But when i’m anxious, i get overstimulated to the point where the world seems to pulse and cave in on itself around me, and then after that point i just go straight zombie mode, emotionally and energetically drained.

That happened to me on Tuesday, lol. And i’ve just been extremely drained and still quite anxious up until yesterday. That, plus the fact that i also got sick while having anxiety attacks made this week almost unbearable.

I’ve been doing a lot of contemplating on my anxiety. The biggest source i am sure is that i still haven’t been accepted into the college that i’ve applied to. I moved out here to go to the local school to finish my Bachelors degree, and then from there the tentative plan is to go to Chinese Medicine school in Portland. I applied a while ago, but i haven’t heard about my application status yet, and i’m pretty sure that this is the main source of my anxiety.

I’m fairly confident that i’m going to get accepted... but, there’s always that what if. And the fact that it’s getting closer to the end of the year and that the deadlines are rapidly approaching makes things even more hectic.

Bleh. Well i’m okay as of now. I definitely self-destructed this weekend to cope, but sometimes that’s just how it is, ya know? Actually, I don’t smoke very often, but if it weren't for weed i definitely wouldn’t have survived this week.

I know that I haven’t been posting too much lately. I do post a lot about all of the spirit work that i do and about my abilities improving and stuff like that. But it’s important to understand that for me, my abilities and gifts are only a part of who i am. My Path is what defines me, and what guides me to different things. Sometimes it’s in my Path to work on different abilities like clairvoyance and lucid dreaming, or to improve in spirit work. But other times, my focus is only to be on my Path, my journey. And that’s what i’ve been doing recently. So forgive me for the lack of posts, I’m certain that i will end of circling back around eventually.

Anyways, that’s it for now. Hopefully next time I’ll have a better update than the one i have today.