#0142

uyuyabilen insanları kıskandığım saatlerdeyim..

i have failed many times in my life, but i am still here. living proof that you can still be a fuck up, but still have the will to live. alot of my problems are because i care too much and i’m too kind hearted. if you keep trying to please everyone, when will you please yourself first? there’s also a problem with that too. living a life that’s solely for yourself? you’re just going to end up pushing everybody away. i think that’s why i have a big problem with taking compliments— i’ve developed some fucked up defense mechanism to shut down any kind of positive reinforcement said out of authenticity. i don’t know when or where or why it came about, but more often i think it’s some sick form of torture and punishment that i have subconsciously chosen to adapt as an attitude towards life. it’s quite unhealthy because now you’re not even able to acknowledge something as simple as hey, you get to be happy. i suffocate any kind of moderate form of calmness in my life with negative thoughts and i don’t mean to, it just happens. maybe i really do have a problem. maybe it’s because i’ve hurt people before and as i’ve aged this is how i see myself. someone that deserves to feel like shit 24/7. but that’s not healthy. it’s not happiness that i’m after. it’s not even balance. self-destruction and recreation... i guess i’m just trying to find out how much of myself i can run away from. past versions of yourself, who you are today, who you could be— all equally shunned and damaged if you never give yourself the proper tools to heal. i know that this was supposed to be a poem about falling apart, but i found it more fitting to discuss the details of torment and the drowning of the flame of life. sometimes even angels need a break, sometimes even the demons cry. we have to choose how we view ourselves. actively. because the second that we let this be our life— that’s it. our thoughts are so powerful that if you wake up every morning telling yourself that you’re not worth a penny or a second look, chances are the rest of your evening will be influenced by such negativity. so maybe write yourself a letter and seal it with positive energy. the tender love and care of sorts. i always talk about how short life is, but you know life doesn’t have to be hell on earth 24 fucking 7. it’s okay to be alright. to feel like today isn’t so bad. yes, you’ve made some bad decisions, maybe you’ve made some hearts break. maybe you fucked up and apologies won’t fix anything. but how else are you going to grow if you don’t allow yourself to even feel any kind of goodness that seaps out of your soul? you have to just take a second and realize that you’re a human being and that it’s okay to just be. whatever that is to you, grab a cup of tea and just sit outside. take a break from yourself. that mental prison. that anxiety and pain ridden past of yours— let the minutes of right now carry you into the importance of learning to forgive yourself for who you couldn’t be for whoever it was that you’re still hurting over. let it just melt into the seat of your skull and let the person that you can still choose to be today and tomorrow come out to play.