How do I convince my 20-year-old son that I'm serious about kicking him out if he doesn't agree to therapy?
I know that the title sounds bad but please bear with me, this is my first time using Reddit.
I (43 M) am the proud, single father to four children. V (23 F), P (18 F), and twins M and C (20 M). V, C, and M are my bio children (from different mothers) and P is my adoptive daughter and V's bio sister (same mother).
The girl's mother and I had an ugly break-up because I was dumb and panicked when I found out I was going to be a father for the first time with V, at the time I refused to take responsibility and ended up breaking my then girlfriend's heart. Because I never took responsibility, I never accepted my parental rights when my eldest V was born. I paid Child support but that was about it, and then a year and a half into my idiocy I got into a pretty bad accident and was declared dead for two minutes. Doctors at the time were able to resuscitate me and using a series of experimental drugs was able to save my life, however, I now need to live the rest of my life as a shifter (wolf).
This was something I struggled to accept for some time but eventually, I came to accept my new way of life and condition. I spent a year going through intense therapy and seminars, and through this time I had two major revelations. 1) I had failed spectacularly as a man and father, and 2) I didn't want to ever die with regret again.
The first thing I did when getting through my therapy was reach out to my ex and establish contact with my daughter, I was FINALLY ready to take responsibility but was too late. My ex had found someone new, someone who wasn't afraid to step up and do what I wasn't willing to do. He took responsibility for my daughter, and she was calling him Daddy instead of me. I won't lie this hurt but I swallowed my pride and accepted that it was no one's fault but my own.
My ex wasn't willing to disrupt V's worldview just to cater to my change of mind, which I accepted, but she was willing to slowly integrate me into her life on the condition that we didn't reveal anything until our daughter was old enough to understand. Which I agreed to.
Her husband was a good man and wanted to make this situation work for everyone, there was a bit of awkwardness when V would run up to him for hugs and look at me as a stranger (which I was) but he never rubbed it in my face or ever got antagonistic with me. I had, and still have, a great deal of respect for the man and I will forever be grateful to him for doing what I was too bullheaded to do.
Half a year after I became a father to my twin boys, a one-night stand who never informed me of the pregnancy and just left the two on my business's doorstep. Two years after that, my ex gave birth to P and I was named her and V's Godfather after my ex witnessed how quick I was to take responsibility for the boys after getting a paternity test done and it coming back positive.
And then five years after, my ex and her husband were shot dead by two trigger-happy Enforcers and they, in an attempt to cover their tracks, buried the girls in the foster system it took a year to find them both. They had been separated at some point and it was a miracle that I found either let alone both of them. After I found them, I made quick work to adopt both of them and go from a single father of two to a single father of four.
It was rough, I'm not gonna lie, V was angry at the world, P was scared of the world, and my boys were confused but C managed to adjust quickly and whilst M took to V he had an instant dislike for P.
I had explained to the boys that V was their bio sister, this secret came out to V when she was found by a friend of mine and as a result, was angry and confused about everything. M accepted this but kept asking why we were taking P if she wasn't family, which I quickly corrected that she was family.
My condition seemed to be a huge concern for P's therapist, who tried to convince P that I was untrustworthy and abusive. P told me what her therapist said and the woman was investigated and proven to be biased towards anyone who wasn't 100% human.
I tried to get P back into therapy but nothing ever worked out, she had a strong distrust for them and was also influenced by V who was adamant about not going to therapy. I know I should have continued their therapy but they seemed okay on their own after a while, both girls would open up to me about their problems and V was able to find an outlet for her anger through boxing, which I taught until she was old enough to join a team around her age group.
P in turn took up learning gymnastics and even won a few competitions, she also took up art and was a natural science whizz.
I apologize for the long story but wanted to give some insight into my family. Whilst we were able to find some stable ground, there have been some issues outside of the initial teething stage. The first obstacle was the girl's maternal uncle (42 M), he had been an old friend of mine since childhood. His sister was my ex and after I abandoned my responsibilities to his sister and niece, we lost touch. He and his sister had a falling out, I don't know the specifics, and he was never contacted when his sister died. When he found out I had both girls he wanted custody of them, but because my name was on V's birth certificate and P was attached to V, the court saw fit to grant custody to me with visitation rights granted to Sil (maternal uncle).
The second obstacle we had was my son M. As I mentioned he took an instant dislike to P, and despite my hopes that deep down he cared for her, never warmed up to her presence in our lives.
He would constantly make her cry with his insults, and he for a time would hide her school projects from her (which stopped after the fifth time when I confiscated his game console and laptop).
I tried for a long time to get him to bond with P and explain to him that his behavior was harmful, I spoke with his school counselor to get him some unbiased opinions on his behavior, and when I would bring up therapy he would retort that if I wasn't making the girls go to therapy then I shouldn't be making him go. None of my tactics seemed to work and the more I admonished him the meaner he would be towards my youngest. After some time I decided to reward him if he didn't bully his sister, which seemed to work for a while, but now I am wondering if I didn't just make him more subtle about his bullying.
About a week ago I was in my kitchen preparing dinner when I heard a loud banshee-like scream and a loud thump. I went running into my entryway where I found P on top of M hitting him again and again shouting that she hated him. I was taken by surprise by this and pulled P off of M, it was surprisingly difficult to do so because she was determined to pummel him. I'm not proud of this but I ended up taking her by the shoulders and growling at her to calm down, which she did but she looked scared and I saw that she was ready to either fight or run, I started to tell her to get out of the house for a bit and go stay at her friends to cool off but all I got out was "Get out" before she bolted from the house. I shouted after her to go to her friend's house but she was already gone.
After checking up on M and taking him to the hospital (he was fine, just some bruising and blood) I interrogated him about what happened after he blew up at me for always "going easy" on P, and he said that P was crying so he called her a crybaby. This felt extreme on her part but I knew that there was something else at play and decided to ask her the next day when I saw her. I said that P shouldn't have attacked him but asked M why he insulted her rather than ask if she was okay, and he just said "She's always crying. I can't walk past her room without hearing her cry. She is a crybaby" I felt disturbed and still feel disturbed and disappointed by his lack of empathy.
At this point, I felt something had to give and I gave him an ultimatum. Therapy or leave the house.
I know I shouldn't have given an ultimatum but P is 18 and struggling with a few personal things (I won't elaborate) and her unemployed 20-year-old brother constantly being on her back wasn't helping.
I'll try to dot point everything that happened afterwards because this is getting really long:
I went to see P the next day and found out she never went to her friend's (ex-friends?) house. I should have called and made sure she was there but she always goes to his house when upset so I just assumed she was there. No words can describe how shameful I feel for not checking.
We went to the Enforcers but they "couldn't help".
We discovered that P had at some point snuck back into the house grabbed some of her belongings and left a note saying she was leaving, and her being 18 means that we can't make a missing persons report because she's left voluntarily.
M refuses to speak to me because he feels betrayed by my ultimatium, which I'm still holding up.
I've felt like absolute dirt for the past week, and am absolutely wrecked with guilt over P.
A few hours ago my son C showed me a post from r/offmychest where M was talking about how he hopes P never comes back home, and is talking about going NC with me.
I know that he isn't taking me seriously with the ultimatium. I know I probably shouldn't still be holding true to said ultimatium but something needs to give.
He is 20, he can't keep going through life with this lack of empathy.
I plan on talking to him soon.
What can I say or do to make him see that I am serious?
And how can I do it in a way that won't tear my family apart even more than it already is?
