#*tw*

pretty much nothing makes me happy anymore. so that’s cool.

It’s really the little things that get to you, ya know? I pride myself on the fact that I can cope with almost anything that’s thrown at me, but it’s the little things you see each day that slowly start to unravel you from the inside out. Like watching the person you love not being able to eat anymore because the chemo is causing ulcers in their mouth. It’s the little things like watching them getting puffed from walking to the fridge and back, or hearing them walking around at 3am because they’re in too much pain to sleep. It’s like watching them fade right in front of your eyes, bit by bit. Watching them die but not being able to do anything to stop it, and I hate that. I HATE it. I hate being powerless and watching him die, I hate that I can’t do anything to help. I didn’t even cry when I was told the news. Is that normal? Why did this have to happen to him again? How is it fair? I’m a terrible person. I’m a horrible excuse of a human being, because in some ways, I want him to die. I want it over with. I want this to just end. I’m feeling myself fracture, and I feel guilty about it. Why should I be complaining? I’m not the one dying, I should be grateful, and I should be caring for him. Instead I’m doing the opposite and I’m removing myself away from him so when he does die, maybe it will hurt a little less. Selfish right? My whole life has been about self preservation, because the asshole that wrecked my life as a child made sure of that. I pride myself on the fact that I can cope at almost any situation thrown at me. But at the moment, I’m not coping.