tabaccothoughts

one day when I was little

suddenly everything was gone

my childhood, my innocence,

nothing left intact

I woke up at night

and I opened my eyes

and I just started crying,

I don't want to die

I want to live

I just don't want to live now.

I want to skip years ahead

To a better time

To a better life

To a better me

But I can't

So for now

You grow up with them by your side

Carrying your heary and your troubles

As if they were his own

And you do the same back

If you're uncomfortable he's always there

Always, no matter what

And he knows, he always fucking knows

And then one day, suddenly, he's gone

He moves out, and you're left alone

In a house that's suddenly too big for you

With a gaping void, a black hole you once called his room

And out of the blue, you're alone

And you no longer have him besides you

All of a sudden you're to fill the void in the place you once called home

And all you can fill it with

I am afraid of the stronger word

Not afraid to say it about my sports

Or my hobbies

Or my interests

But I'm afraid when it's about you

I'm afraid you'll hate it

I'm afraid you'll missuse it

I'm afraid you'll see me differently

I'm afraid you'll tell your friends

I'm afraid you'll reject it

I'm afraid you'll reject me

More than all of that, I'm afraid you'll return it

I won't be able to stop myself

And I'll fall deeper and deeper into this abyss that is love and vulnerability

I'm afraid that what was once a four letter word will turn into a lifetime of pain and hurt

and you bring out the worst in me

and you choose to accept

it's a lie

is like traversing through the past.

looking back at how it used to be

looking back at how I used to laugh

seeing the smile fade

from this young kid

never smiling again

i talk to myself about myself

i never have anything good to say

yet i talk and i talk