ok the pink blog can be where i finally talk about this why not
i'm not sure why i said i wasn't plural earlier because there is a distinct possibility that i am. a possibility that i've been accepting and denying and accepting and denying and accepting and denying and so on. sometimes acceping in one place and denying in another. sometimes doing both simultaneously.
i have different blogs and accounts under different names that i can only operate in certain headspaces. when i don't i get lost and feel like i'm rifling through someone else's diary. whole conversations i don't remember, projects i didn't know i started, so on.
regardless of whether or not i am in fact plural, i feel like the frequency to which i dissociate and the way i have shouting matches in my own head and the fact i sometimes have to physically fight against my body or the fact that my memory isn't just bad it's highly circumstantial is probably not normal and something i need to actually talk to someone about rather than just starting to talk about it and then immediately running away.
like i genuinely went to my therapist with "i think i might be plural" and he accepted it and i quit like the very next session. maybe it should flag to me as suspicious that the guy who knew me for almost a decade accepted it but i'd rather not think about that.
in fact i'd rather not think about it at all.
like part of the reason pink resonated with me so hard is just how much she acts like me. to the extent where i almost got convinced that chapter 5 was a direct hit piece against me somehow
and overall it's just. i don't know if i'm plural. i both don't think i am and think i might be.
but one thing that basically ensures that if i do end up figuring it out i still won't share is that if i am, i'm highly dysfunctional. i'm not positive about it and i'm not able to make light of it and i'm not able to to relate to any of the "headmates are so cool" stuff and honestly a lot of it makes me downright uncomfortable because that is not my experience. it's something i'm trying to unlearn. that discomfort at people finding joy in something you feel has done nothing but hurt you, if it's even what's going on with you.
probably one of my biggest fears ever is loss of autonomy. as long as i can remember i've always wanted to be able to do anything. i wanted every skill i could manage, nothing to hold me back, total freedom to do whatever i want. i'm the type of person who gets scared just letting a limb sway from gravity. and this, to me, would be the ultimate loss of autonomy.
which is another way i hard relate to pink. she wanted her body to be hers, and hers alone. she managed to open her heart up to her body but as much as i've tried to do the same this past year or so i just don't feel like i can do it.
and all this is another reason why if i am plural i'll never come out. because this whole description is highly offensive. if i was a character i'd be called bad representation. i already feel like i have to apologize for my very existence, i don't want that more.
i want to be clear that i support all systems, though. but at the same time i have to apologize to them. for wearing their skin. if only in private.
for now, i'm not plural. i might not be at all. or i might confirm it later down the line and still present as singlet. because i don't want to be viewed that way. i don't want to be called a system. i would rather be one person with alters/headmates. if they were real.
which they probably aren't
look i'm sorry i'm kind of a mess. i don't know any systems so i don't know how to properly tone my words. i used to, but that was years ago and i remember basically nothing. so this is probably a really bad post. i do hope this doesn't come off as bad faith, though. if there's anything i can do to be a better ally then i'll change immediately. i'm just really worn down by this.
have a mew mew filled day (misquote)
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