why didn't I respect myself then?
What a terrifying thing to have someone love you so much they would kill for you. When you leave it makes you wonder, where the other person put all that love. Now that you don't have access to me, did the love turn so cold you would now kill me instead of wanting to kill for me. Its confusing and I canāt talk to a single person about any of this because I end up having to comfort them when Iām the one who needs comfort. Talking about all of this makes me feel like Iām reading someone elseās story when this is my reality.Ā I donāt know why I ever gave you access to me. To my body, my mind, my soul? Looking back on all this now, I just desperately needed someone to love me that I took love from a devil. When I first met him, I walked into his house and he didnāt have any clothes on. He put an ecstasy pill in my mouth. I didnāt even know him, but for some reason I didnāt know how to leave. After that he showered me with love and during that time nobody loved me. So I took his love, because I thought his love was better than none at all. Having to tell my future partner about all of this just makes me not even want a future partner. Like why didnāt I just leave when I walked into his apartment. There were so many red flags. Why didnāt I respect myself then? Will my future partner even want me knowing the way I disrespected my own body. I am terrified of myself and some of the decisions Iāve made. I feel all I can do now is better, so Iām trying. I feel like if I can look back on this situation and see the wrong which I have, that already shows iām growing as a person. I wonder how I will feel a year from now about all of this? Am I going to look back and laugh about how hard I was on myself. Or am I going to feel exactly how I do right now. All I know is I disrespected myself and I feel guilty about it now. I canāt live with this guilt forever.Ā
It's been a year, and I look back on this situation laughing at how hard I was on myself. I should have had more self respect, but I was young and I didn't know better. I didn't know what do in that exact moment because I had never been there. If you would have been there, you would have also been scared to leave. I'm not terrified of myself or the decisions I make anymore because I trust myself now. I don't live with guilt from this anymore. It got better and I moved on.
