Tanixxx

don’t obliviate me in your memories.⚡️

I've worked my whole life towards the career and life I wanted. Every step I ever took towards it got thwarted. Every step I took towards bettering myself has been a struggle. I pushed myself harder than most people ever contemplated. I rose above every obstacle placed in my way. I refused to be silenced or kept down. But eventually everything that has pushed me back will crash down around me. I stayed in an abusive, loveless relationship for my son to have a father. That same man murdered my son. I swore I would never have kids again because I failed at protecting my first-born. I fell in love with a man who pushed me outside of my comfort zone. I became pregnant. I kept that pregnancy to prove to myself and everyone that I was a good mother. I love my second-born. He pushed me to be a better me for him. But I got selfish. I wanted to be better for myself, not just him. I pursued things that would normally terrify me. I continue to do things that make me uncomfortable. I reached out for every opportunity to thrive the way that I knew I could. Just to be pushed back down. I held out for so long because I was unsure of everything I decided to do. Self-sabotage, some would say. I would say that I enjoy the pain I consistently inflict on myself. I would say that I punish myself everyday for being alive when I know I haven't done a damn thing to deserve my spot on this planet. I wish to feel confident yet at peace. The way I once did. I long to make myself proud. Of big things. Not the small things everyone tells me to appreciate. I want to make myself proud, but I've always held myself to such a high degree that it's beginning to feel like I will never be that. It's beginning to feel that maybe I do sabotage my self. Maybe I will never truly be happy. Maybe I will never be the person I always dreamed of being. Maybe I should just stop fighting. Give up. Give in to the life that so many others set before me. Relinquish my hold on my future and give it to someone else. Let them take the reins so I can finally be at peace. Even if that means losing myself.

sometimes i do cool stuff and look pretty doing it

“Because there is nothing you can ask me that I won’t give you.”

is there a more beautiful thing than books in morning sunlight? the answer is no.

some post christmas selfie love