Synokoria

I glanced at my watch in irritation as I made my way towards paeds. There was still an hour before midnight, but if he wasn’t here then I wouldn’t have time to check anywhere else. Why couldn’t he just stay at home? No, that’s a stupid question - when had he ever made my life easy?

???: “Cantankerous old codger.”

I felt my lips pulling into a fond smile at the thought of him. I’d only been gone for a month but it felt like longer - probably because he couldn’t be bothered to return my calls or texts. He really could turn sulking into an olympic sport. My smile froze the moment I saw him swaying to the festive music coming out of the hospital speakers while belting out the lyrics and stopping only to take large gulps out of a vodka bottle. He hadn’t noticed me yet thanks to my position and I spent a moment just drinking in the sight and his melodious voice.

It was only the reminder of my deadline that had me clapping to get his attention before he could launch into another song. The speed at which he spun around wide-eyed would have been comical if he hadn’t almost toppled over in the process. I was by his side helping him stay up before I’d even registered I’d moved.

Shippe: “You?”

???: “Merry Christmas to you too, Shippe.”

He shrugged my hands off and plopped himself into a nearby seat looking for all the world more like a petulant teenager than a distinguished doctor. I ignored his show of pique and sat down beside him - after decades in his company this was par for the course, really. I took the bottle from his hands and gulped down a swallow only to choke on the unexpected taste. I glared at him through my coughs while he stared at me like I was an idiot.

Shippe: "It's just water."

???: "Why's it in a vodka bottle?!"

Shippe: "It's more fun that way."

That statement was so - so him that I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. God, I’d missed this screwball. He looked away uncomfortably.

Shippe: “Why are you here?”

???: “You know why I’m here - you weren’t at home. Why are *you* here?"

Shippe: "There was no reason to go home."

???: "I'm not a reason to come home?"

Shippe: "You weren't home."

???: "You knew I was coming back to spend Christmas with you."

Shippe: "How was I supposed to know that?"

The sentimental answer was that I always have and always will but I knew that wouldn't be enough for him so I used the practical one instead.

???: "The same way you always do - you check my bills, you phone airlines pretending to be me confirming my return date, you hack my email account. You psycho."

Shippe: "..."

???: "You're telling me you didn't?"

Shippe: "..."

???: "Why?! The one time I expected it of you and you-"

He swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing erratically.

Shippe: "I was afraid of the answer."

The vulnerability openly showcased by that admission stunned me. This was a person who preferred to hide behind wordplay and sarcastic jokes, not one that would willingly show his soft underbelly.

???: "You… You had to know I would come back to you."

Shippe: "You went to visit your family without me."

I remembered, then, that we'd argued about it, but then we'd always argued about these sorts of things. It really hadn't struck me as anything out of the ordinary at the time.

???: “I always visit them without you - you hate my family gatherings. You once likened it to giving yourself a lobotomy with a rusty spoon.”

Shippe: “It really does feel like that. Your dad-”

There it was - the jokes he used when things became too emotional. Was he really this bothered by it? Why? As much as I wanted to push the subject, I knew that wasn’t the way to deal with this - not yet anyway.

???: "Your team said you spent your entire vacation time pretty much haunting the hospital."

Shippe: "... I need to assign them more work if all they do is tattle to mommy."

???: "Shippe."

Shippe: "There was work to be done."

???: "There's always work to be done; it's a hospital. You were supposed to be on leave."

Shippe: "I was on leave."

???: "... You do understand that being on leave means *not* taking on new cases, right?"

Shippe: “Well, what was I supposed to do for a whole month then? You weren’t around.”

???: “Okay, I’ll concede that you don’t actually have many hobbies outside of work but you could have gone home at least once. I left you frozen meals in the freezer and the answering machine is pretty much full with messages from me.”

Shippe: “... ”

I waited for an answer - he might have been stubborn but so was I.

Shippe: "I was afraid to find out you'd moved out."

???: “Why would I move out?! I pay the bond! I'd kick you out!”

Shippe: "You're too soft to leave me on the streets even if I deserve worse than that after the things I said."

I tamped down on the urge to tell him that he didn't deserve to be alone; all that would do is make him try to prove me wrong - to push and push the boundaries until something makes me hate him as much as he thinks I should. It wouldn't even be a conscious decision on his part - just his brilliant contrary mind gnawing on what he sees as a fallacious statement.

???: "Since when has this been about what you deserve?"

He made a surprised sound. Good. Any deviation from the script he's spent our time apart simulating in his head was a step closer to bringing him out of the pit he's dug.

???: "I stay because it makes me happy. I can leave you at any time."

Shippe: "No, you can't."

My lips twitched at his automatic response. He'd hate it if he ever realised how much insight our years together have given me into his contrary mind.

I doubled down on my chosen course.

???: "I absolutely can leave. I just don't want to."

Shippe: "No. You -"

There it is - that spark of clarity as he's forced to analyse why he's so certain I can't leave.

Shippe: "You're just as dependent on me as I am on you. I'm the only one you're comfortable enough to be real with instead of putting up that saintly act."

Codependence wasn't the way I'd have chosen to put it but he'd shy away from anything more sentimental.

???: "Is that so?"

Shippe: "It is. I'm your safe space."

'My home - the one place I will always return to - where I can be my truest self' is how I would have phrased it, but he's not wrong.

He leaned his head against my shoulder, seeming a lot more tired now, like he'd taken off a great weight and could finally rest.

Shippe: "You missed the Christmas party. You would have loved it - I had the nurses dress up as Mrs Claus."

???: "I saw the photos in the staff chat. That outfit of yours was something."

Shippe: "I knew you'd enjoy that. Weirdo."

I might not be able to see his face but the grin in his voice was unmistakable.

???: "We're both weirdos."

Even this standing Christmas 'date' of ours seemed to highlight that. After all, neither of us even celebrated the holiday.