Heart of a Hopeless Romantic

What happens when you find someone that is so real and true that you could see yourself having a happy friendship.  A friendship where they give you the looks when you do things that frustrate them though they do it because they care for you.   They invite you over to hang out with them and there may be some conversations that are full of intelligence, though there are times when there are just times of comfortable silence.  The more you get to know them the more you want to just be in there presence, no matter how long or late.  They help you wake up in the morning with a fresh feeling.  They help you go through and cope with some of your thoughts and feelings.  Though with the more time you spend with them, you realize that you want to be in their presence for as long as you can.  You want to comfort them and also enjoy the feeling of touch.   There is that feeling of longing when you never hear from them.  So the questions you ask are if they feel the same.  The answer can only be found if you ask them directly. Also to not get bent out of shape when you hear the answer that you may not having been looking for.  Then there is the fact that even if you don’t get the answer you were looking for, will you be able to proceed to be friends with them still without having awkward moments.  Feelings can cloud your judgement though if you are feeling honest and true there should never be the fear of losing someone as long as your honest with yourself.  YOU. You can answer your own questions though if your willing to find the ideas of how to take a risk.

Look at her face, The smile, the composure, Everything’s right, till you get a bit close, Though I know better Behind this facade, Look through the cracks Don’t grab the rope Don’t pull the slack She’ll start to fall The illusion fades I see the control It’s tied on tight It pulls her down, She’s lost inside She’s figuring out Who she is, The times a changing She’s growing up, Will I still be Will I still be right For her to want I hope she stays I am attached The times a changing This may not last

So my cousin put on his Facebook that heartless is the way to be. I miss the guy and I want to be there for him. So I gave him the piece of advice I wish I got. This is what I said. "Without heart there is no feeling put into our everyday life. No course of action that determines how we live our life's. Without your heart you will never feel the hurt and pain from things that you once loved and endeared. With all good comes a bad, an equilibrium, a yin and yang. A little light in the dark and an opposite. Reality and legitimacy is worth having a heart. I got you when you fall. I'll pick you up. I'll be your light in the dark my friend, because sometimes we are all lost." I feel that in this statement there was enough said, though a lot felt. I hope to see how everything I have said to someone turns out one day.

Come to the realization that I am horrible at conveying thee message I want across to specific people. Mainly people I care about. I seem like such an asshole and rude but that wasn’t the intention at all. GRRRRR……. BRAIN WORK CORRECTLY!

    I am turning off again because it's better than feeling how i feel right now. Forgotten and alone. I dealt with being alone before. I turned off before. thats how i dealt with it and will deal with it again. there was and is not point to feel. it's completely and utterly illogical and irrational. Night you. Honestly i slightly wish i never started dating you because all i can fathom to feel is bitterness towards the whole fact i tried.

I am upset, there is nobody to talk to but sit here and mull it over in my head. I get it. You have issues with men but to seriously knock me in that same category? WOW!!!! I am sorry that i am still numb and distant. At least my frozen soul is starting to break the ice off and shine a little bit. At least there is a part of me that is giving it my all. I am seriously upset about how i don't get to see you, how i don't get to literally be there when i am needed. Shit! i am jealous of how someone else gets to take care of you instead of me taking care of you. All this in all, i really wish you don't expect to not have little tiffs about stuff like this. You put me in a corner where i cannot defend myself because A) i am not there, B) because i am not a girl, C) i am still to this day numb, the only time i am not is when i am with you, D) You are one way around her and another way around me, E) I won't have your full heart, I never can because apart of you will always want her. Don't! just don't try and take from me what you have given because honestly? i never even had it. Did I. I haven't lied or done anything to you to make you think worse of me. I have always been honest and upfront with who and how i am. Maybe next time you should to. Don't lead me to ditch me. Because honestly? thats how i feel.

I find it's really hard to get close to someone physically.  to embrace, kiss, sexually, intimately cuddling. I'm envious of a fair amount of people that can get that close to one another. I don't get close because i am afraid that i will hurt someone important to me. Childish yes but sadly sometimes i really think that people are sometimes fragile. If i don't think this way i sometimes act like they can handle it and i hurt them.  I can't deal with that fact and face when i hurt someone so deeply that their tears that fall cause a piece of my stitching to unravel. I literally die inside a little. I have seen so much hurt by me that i am so afraid. Help me?

So date night, went overall well in my mind. Though being nervous the days before and not sleeping definitely not good lol. Oh well, could there be another one. The future still holds the answers...

     Saw a post today that said, “And I got to thinking… Love… it should be RELEASING the chains that bind you.. to any sadness or depression or questioning. It shouldn’t be holding you there. Ever. And unfortunately, it is. It’s keeping you still & even making you move backward. Pulling you in to more darkness, deeper chains. Love should set you free. Always.” This got me thinking.   I realize i am not the most open, most trusting, or most friendly person. I also know that i am very corrosive and cynical at times and like to be a loner.  With looking at the psycho analysis of some of my thinks that i know I am flawed with. I realize that i am pretty much broken, shattered, torn. I myself have my own chains on my, regrets that i begrudge on myself, memories that tear pieces of me apart. Loves that i have destroyed or never had, feelings that I have never opened up to anyone.  Heartache that has left me so shattered i don’t even know how to piece myself together again. Stitch my tattered pieces together, a canvas that has been slashed by my own anger.    I had a first love in high school, her name was Michelle Harmony Glatz. She was my first true love, one that i embraced and enjoyed. One that I literally lost because i lost my way.  I ran into a great depression when i was younger because i was being manipulated, controlled and held back. Not by just me, but my parents as well. I couldn’t be myself and found myself rebelling and using Michelle as my escape.  I enjoyed every second of time i had with her. I found myself fully engrossed into this girl and her family. Then miscommunication happened and she thought i said something that i had not. I said to one of my friends that, ” If i was single, i would date you. I know that you look at your current relationship and believe that it will not last. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t enjoy every waking moment, second, tiny particle of the relationship and the boy you are with. If you take it for granted then it will slip through your fingers. If I were you, i would cherish it, even rejoice with the fact that you found a soul mate that understands you. YOu and him are lucky to have such a relationship.” With this being said, someone said that i was attempting to cheat on Michelle. So while i was in my depression with my parents a fatal blow was sent over email to me and i got it at school. i read is and collapsed. I must have punched that locker so much because i had fractured both my hands. My hands were bleeding mess’s. As i cried alone in the locker room, only one thing came to mind. After i lost my one love in life at the time there was nothing left. I ran…    I then came to Utah and went to school and never thought again about michelle or colorado. I lost myself in becoming numb and emotionless. Then michelle got in contact with me. Her prom was coming up and she wanted me to be her date.  I  obliged and went back to Colorado and rekindled a flame between us that had been missed for years. Unfortunately in the time i was gone something great had been lost. Her father… Her father had committed suicide and she was the one that found him.  I cried, i cried and cried and cried. i was sorry for not being there when she needed me. For not being in her life more. For leaving and never looking abck or thinking about her once. I was sorry that i had failed her.    I left for Utah again and I constantly messaged Michelle. I thought everything was good. I eventually went to Colorado and saw Michelle again. That was our first time. It wasn’t mine, but for her it was. It was… Special. The attachment grew and grew and i had to go back to Utah again. I left and we kept on communicating. IT was hard because i loved her so much and dreamed of her night after night. Until the day i got back on myspace to message her and i had a reply to my last message. The reply said, ” Sam, I can’t do this…” I immediately called her and she said she couldn’t do the distance, “With you out there and me here. There is to much here that reminds me of you and you are not here to actually be apart of my life. I don’t think this is going to work out… Good bye” that was the last thing i heard about michelle until i received a call from my mother. Michelle had drank so much that she had alcohol poisoning… I called her immediately. She screamed at me through the phone about how i only call because she wa hurt? Don’t call again. I was shattered. Michelle eventually went further down hill. She was smoking pot and cigarettes and getting drunk more often.  She was on a downward spiral because of a broken heart. A broken heart i caused.  She now has a child named harmony. That was my first regret. This is one of the memories I have of love. This is part 1

Maybe i am just ranting, but I am finding it more and more difficult to be actually open to people.  I want to be open with these people I see on a re-occuring basis.  I would rather be nice and humorous, instead of the shy and secluded guy that i can be at times. It baffles me when a gorgeous girl comes and talks to me sometimes. I freeze up and cannot get past the point of not being serious sometimes. I am just sometimes... stuck just being me. I would hope that someday i can get past that shyness and hope that the person I am talking to or that their life and soul is not just a facade. Because i am pretty tired of running into facades even if it's you being you.

Yeah, I've run into a few...