Symphonyodd

I praise those whose candor I adore

And think that mine is the same if not more.

I have discerned that my intentions have parted

From speech of love to being hallow hearted.

Deep thoughts consume the days I know are my gifts.

Goals are the focus and from my God do they drift.

How do I regroup as He sends me toward?

Once again in the field.. I just move forward

With others who are equally as desperate as I

Though they may not realize it, I would much rather die.

Than to get hurt once again

Is that foolish or selfish along with mundane?

So today a lesson was taught

In fact the whole day was a lesson in thought

From the parable, a prodigal son, who am I

The first or second brother of what kind

I found myself broken in sin

To my knees once again

The tears could not cease

As I struggled to breathe

Though I praised for the grace – so undeserving.

I love how, in life, I am constantly learning.

With a contrite heart and a heavy mind

I try to move forward but I just need ONE sign

The landlines are silent and so from above

I curl up in a ball and just pray for His love

To shower upon this house with those who I am blessed

Two little birds came up to me.

Their wings were broken

They were pushed from a tree

There was nothing I could do but coddle and feed

These sweet little ones I tried to keep safely.

Their mother had thrown them to the wolves or so it seemed.

I should know not to judge but the story had a familiar ring.

It made me sick and “injustice” I cry

Because of my past I used to want to die.

I had been pushed just as hard if not faster

Not one person came to help, coddle or look after

I was alone for years or so I had thought. I know now God was always there and the battle He fought

I held these tiny birds for two days, I wish more

I gave them back to nature though in health they were poor.

The Lord would have to hold them and heal them as He did I

The beating of two

Sync into one

With the rhythm alters

She saw him first

and then gave an ear to lend.

He told her that he was alone in his walk

And that all he needed was a friend.

That was the beginning

of several small lies.

Ones that he had told himself

Ones that he needed to simply survive.

No one understood him,

or so he had said.

Though she understood him.

Her attention gave food to his death and it fed.

A secret trip,

one will never know.

Though lies are always found out

Even though no one was ever told.

It bred life into a fantasy

For both of them and grew.

Though both claimed there was nothing romantically.

But then she outed him and then everyone knew.

More lies to base the future on.

For she’s thinking with her feelings, her heart

Failing to see that lies are a song

That pulls the heart apart.

“No one understands me, no one trusts me.”

Was what he had claimed.

And it really seemed he was alone, she could see

And then to her he remained.

Again.. another lie, little did she know

This isolation he lived

Was one created,

One that he owned.

“Exiled,” he cried

And she felt for him

Once again this proved that

She was his only true friend.

Choices were made,

Though he claims they were not his.

If she only knew what really made him cave.

Maybe a second thought she would give.

She thinks she is different

If only she could know

She is one of many

The deception can only grow.

She lives in a world

No one can envy her of.

Lies add up and break

Are you riding on a crescendo?  If there were a soundtrack to your life is it at the build up point as you move from point “A” to that really cool, end of the line point “B”?  Do you spend everyday waiting; hoping and reaching for something that will mean you have made it?  What are your goals?

  I took a hard look at my life around me.  I have walked through a majority of my days waiting for the next big moment.  I am riding out the cymbal crashes, the build up of the music, in my own soundtrack of life and have found it disappointing; as I am never happy when I reach the side I thought I was living for.   The depression that used to consume me stemmed from this very issue. There is always something more, something more unattainable and then a colossal let down when the moment finally arrived. That was when I realized the problem.  I was living for the wrong moments.  

  I am so tired of living for the:  When I grow up, I am going to.. When I lose weight, I am going to.. When Christmas is over, I going to.. When my divorce is final, I am going to.. When I am finished with college, I am going to.. Tomorrow, I am going to.. and there it was….

  I decided I needed to look at today and ask, “What can I do today?  (This may be my very last day waking up this side of the daisies, waking up with any one of my healthy children, in this house and the list goes on.)  What can I do today to make my Savior proud and not have any regrets?”

  This has changed my long term thinking to a shorter-term thinking.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still going to school, I am still staying on a budget, cleaning my house and all the daily things that need to get accomplished.  I am simply looking at every opportunity as if “THIS” was the big moment my whole life lead up to. 

  There are no guarantees as to what lay ahead.  We all live with this sense of entitlement and are shattered when things did not go the way it should.  We find little fulfillment when we finally DO reach that point “B” because we failed to look at the scenery during the trip. 

Almost every single person that I have met seems to be on this journey of searching for their significance.  I had recently claimed, in the middle of a speech class, that what I want to be remembered by,  when I die, is a woman of integrity, a woman that will stand up for truth, one who was a legacy changer.  The very next day I am faced with adversity. In one fell swoop, I failed to shine the integrity for which I long to be remembered by. 

There it was, failure, once again.  It panicked me.  It threatened to really over throw my sense of self worth, my significance.  I had several choices and they were all racing through my head at rapid speeds that I could not quite keep up with.  What I decided to do was get up, flush my pity potty, and move forward. That is deliberate choice I make every morning.  Even still, sometimes I still fail.

Somebody once suggested that I try to find the landmarks of my life that take me down that road, the one that leads me into the darkest depths.  I found this concept to be pretty profound.  It had never occurred to me to take that sort of inventory.  What I am learning on top of that is not only to take notes of the slippery slide down but to take pictures of the trip back up.

While today it felt like the end of the world I am not discouraged.   I am not discouraged because just when I felt like I was going to give up, I felt pushed up little further.  The pushes come in different forms every time.  Today’s came from a friend willing to listen through an instant message session.  Her encouragement and words of wisdom were balm to my slightly battered soul. 

Another push was from a friend who, knowing acutely where I am, texted me bright and early this morning telling me that she was praying for me.  Waking up to that text message lead me to read and study this morning, which gave me the tools I needed this particular evening to deal with matters.   I am extremely thankful for my friends who are so willing to take me to the cross. 

That brings me to my final nudge:  my children.  They are the biggest blessings! Six beautiful smiles, their laughter, their tears, their creativity, their love for one another, their breath, their hearts.. I love everything about them.  God gave them to me to raise, love and teach.  Tonight I watched them really dote on one another and somehow through that it gave me hope to move forward, the only direction I am willing to go in voluntarily.

Dear Pen and Piece of Paper,

Forgive me for not referring to your new alias, fingers and keyboard; nonetheless you still are the captor of my heart.

I have sat for three months, not allowing us to meet again.  I was fearful of what I could truly reveal.  Would it be the sordid details of my life that have gotten so far out of control? The details that I thought would simply kill me upon impact? Or would mending this broken bridge reveal the dark, infected blisters inside of my heart, the ones that feel beyond repair? For my in soul longs to be this woman of integrity but my heart has been crushed. In all the mad effort to mend it comes this fierce anger and rage that does not really aide in the healing.  Instead of promoting health, the anger acts as an elixir to numb the heart from feeling no pain at all.  Yes, I could sit angry all day long and appear to be fine.  Being angry is so much easier than not, for when I am not angry I am actually dealing with the real heart of the matter – pun intended. The conflict again was that I could not just spew the venom as it raced through my veins.  That would not be the portrait of the woman I long to be or the one that I feel God is calling me to be.

Now that you know what has kept me from you, you may be asking yourself why I chose today to finally try to reconnect with you.  Does this mean I am no longer seething?  No. The truth is, a piece of me ceases to exist when I neglect our relationship.  Even though before I was scared to really expose what was there, I have been working hard at walking in truth and integrity. I am taking a hard look at all the anger that threatens to bitter me to the bone and to dig out the splinter from within.  In doing that I believe that you, my friend, help me reconcile the gap in-between of the anger and what the truth underneath it is.

I plan to be in touch often.  I do hope you’ll forgive me for the time I have let pass.

Ready to Live,

broken wheels beneath a heavy carriage obsessed with death not birth nor marriage the umbrella of grace is wind blown, destroyed self absorption and pleasure are now fully employed "finally," a sigh of relief escapes yet there is no peace to hold on and embrace confusion and anger the mechanics of self protect explode to others who love yet now neglect the broken wheels peel and crumble to shreds the weight of decisions have left the wagon dead 

To presently from afar

 a story has been told.

The characters that play the part are changing.

They never fit in any type of mold.

Just when you think

That life has been figured out

Something will occur, a circumstance that changes

Everything you knew, felt, or thought about.

How does one go back

 When forward is the only order?

If you live backwards and out of sync your

Brokenness is even bolder.

Then as suddenly as day light will appear

The solution stands in front of you

Do you ignore it or reach out through all the fear?

It is a hand to hold onto.

The first step is the hardest,

 It is always said.

To move forward a second at a time.

 Towards healing as it slowly spreads.

Nothing short of miraculous,

Overcome with emotion

Your continued steps of faith

Sets your life on course in a forward moving motion.

The story is never over

And here it does not end

It passes down from one to another

The love from our one true Friend.

(I was out of town the week I wanted to repost this.. doing so now in honor of him)

"Of course," he replied. My existence not denied. To him he would keep - from them I would grieve. Four years were lost, at my innocence's cost. His patience, endearing- an only daughter to be rearing. I am sure I've never said all the thoughts in my head - of how precious he was or how thankful because I found myself trapped in some unforgiveness.. a sin.. of his own self destruction, how he ruined himself from a normal life or so I thought... My fairytale life, I finally got. I should have and could haves does not mean that I would have I grieve ever so at them. I wish I could tell him, "Daddy, I love you.You wanted me, thank you. Once my hero now a legend in my heart.. wow to think one day I will meet my Jesus and be fulfilled I'll see you there.  We'll both be home and in His care."

She goes out every morning and feeds the empty earth. Though the night before was restful the day ahead is ready for birth. As the water hits the ground and spreads throughout the cracks It nourishes roots within and starts to show some slack. The sunshine is at the side and slowly moves above To guide the flowers’ beauty, they follow light and open up. A day can always change from bright to somewhat stormy One may not predict just how violent or even how lonely The darkness can be as the natural waters flow Onto the ground giving more nourishment for the garden to grow. A chastisement is sent bending stems to the ground She abandons her safety to see if they are to even be found Standing  at her spot, the one she comes to every morning She sees them a little wilted but underneath some more buds are forming. The twists and turns of life and all the in betweens May leave us feeling beaten but really its all routine. 

(an oldie brought back to the new site.. interesting how it is still fitting)

She screams out boldly

To no one who cares.

Her heart has not stopped beating

As she thought it would but

What lies ahead is still untold.

Blisters mar her feet.

Her body is calloused by the wind.

She no longer feels the pain of hunger

But something deeper is longing within.

She feels empty and attempts to fill

Herself with what little she knows

Her thoughts deceive her

Often leaving her little room to grow.

On the best of days she lives

In a hope that there is so much more

Than her simple mind can hold on to

More that only helps her go

On through the blizzard in a metaphoric sense

That behaves like a fire raging within.

The mystery is this

She is not alone

though so many things try 

to convince her this is so.

It is nothing she has seen

but while she trudges forward

She clings to the hope

that one day, and one day soon

the entire story will begin unfold.

The Drought of a Summer

Even the breeze on this hot summer day does not squelch much of the heat that I am feeling from the temperatures outside.  I have made a conscience effort to not complain about the heat.  I simply remind myself how cold I was this past winter and how I had been looking forward to the warmth that summer brings.  It is funny how it is the small things we look forward to while taking the big things for granted. 

Seasons happen and we do not even have to think about it.  I do not have to set my alarm to make sure that a season occurs.  I also do not have to tend to the seasons in any way to make sure that they arrive on time.  They simply just ‘are’.  It reminds me a lot of how I thought there were other things in my life that just ‘were’.  Yeah, I realize I put that in a past tense.  So much of what I thought was solid in my life has dried up with the summer’s heat into ashes and has blown away in the humid breeze. Sometimes I fear it has burned me beyond repair, but it hasn’t. 

This summer season has been a drought that I never saw coming.  My heart has been broken.  My family has been uprooted like flowers carelessly plucked by someone walking by.. only to find them strewn about further down the road in thoughtless disregard.  It is hard to not become bitter.  I will admit that at best I am angry.  I am angry and I do not think words could even do it justice.  The key for me is watching the anger to make sure it does not turn me bitter.

As I mentioned, it has been a scorcher out for some time now.  I joked with a friend on facebook that the weather here is only preparing me and my children for our pending trip out of state, a much HOTTER state.  So, as I look at my own drought, metaphorically, it is only preparing me for something bigger. 

Though I may be burned, I am not burned to ashes.  I am continuously watered by the Word.  I am watered by those around me who actually care, the ones who call, stop by, help with the ‘gardening’ and do not mind the burned edges around my yard.  The precious flowers in my garden that have been wilting and feeling a little uprooted under the lack of stability, now have others that are tending to them in ways that stimulates life and in ways that they so desperately need.

I reflect often, if not daily, on how this current season has been the hottest I have been in compared to all others, it is, indeed, preparing my family for something larger.  I have surrendered complete control to the situation and know that God is my master gardener and that He has sent others out to tend my garden with me as well.  The water, light and food brought to my garden have sustained me thus far.  This encourages me to know I will make it through this drought.  It leaves me cautiously optimistic.  I will also not take this for granted and will give the praise where it is due.. at the end of every day I give my bouquet to God for without Him, my garden would not even be possible.

Until next season…

Plausible?  Yes.

Anything is possible

Or so they say.

Moving one foot in front of the other

Is the only way to get through another day.

Forks in the road, while existing, in life

They are more like splattered paint designs

Disorganized, going in every direction

Sometimes leading you back to where you came from

Others taking you to a dry, dead end and if traveled

You’ll wind up dried and stuck to where ever it was spilled at.

How does one know the right path to take?

People give advice, while well meaning

Do they have any idea what is really at stake?

The proverbial edge grows closer and closer

I’m not sure if I’m walking towards it

Or being shoved over.

We all have secrets Ones that we work hard to hide Sometimes it threatens to take you over If you don’t let someone else inside. If you are working so hard To protect something hidden Perhaps you should come out And live amid us living. The darkness always tries To hide in corners and out Of plain sight of light But one day the light will reroute You will be free From the bondage of “hush” You will learn to live If only you’d give yourself up.