rendered / tadc background / flat colors
wow this piece made me a little emotional when drawing it! as natural for my self insert i projected a Lot onto her and i want to elaborate a little on these experiences and the inspiration behind this work...
i project a lot of issues onto sylvia; most prominently, alienation, isolation. it is beautiful to embrace who you are, but that is safer to do in different contexts. i just went away with my family this weekend and while i love them a lot and was able to bond with them, i felt extremely alienated to a point i didn't even feel i belonged at times.
i identify as a futch lesbian - meaning, in my experience, i don't like being super hyperfemme; i prefer sitting in a comfortable masc-androgyne, and i also experience sapphic attraction to women. this has caused me to feel socially alienated in many ways, but building a queer community has helped me a lot.
as for every trip, my mom wanted my sister and i to pack dresses. each time i oblige, because i can't find it in myself to explain to my mother that i would prefer to wear a suit or dress pants. i know she wants us to enjoy ourselves and be formal, and i don't want to disillusion her by being an imperfect daughter. i also struggle to open up to her, and discussing my odd relationship with femininity sounds like the last thing i would want to do.
so, i wore the dress. i obliged. she had purchased one for me in black because she knows i like wearing that color. but even so, i felt so strange with it on. i felt like an alien. despite enjoying dressing femininely in high school, despite my mom putting her best efforts into buying something i would love, i borderline despised the experience. traditional feminine clothing makes me feel so small and suffocated, which is why i avoid it at all costs.
but this also caused a profound ache. one i didn't expect. i observed my mom and sister side by side, actually enjoying this experience, enjoying being hyperfeminine. i saw them wearing makeup, holding handbags with perfectly painted nails, genuinely feeling like their authentic selves. i didn't feel anything close to that. and instead of affirming my identity, it made me feel sad. it made me grieve identifying as a woman and connecting to womanhood. it made me grieve the days when i was young and actually enjoyed being girly. it made me grieve the version of myself i knew my mother wanted - a strong, feminine young lady who actually dresses in a socially acceptable manner. i don't have any of that.
i illustrated this all in one day, the same day we were travelling home from our getaway. while i am not entirely content with it - some proportions are off, some colors displease me - the message is there. my relationship with womanhood and gender is so entirely complicated that it feels alienating. i don't even feel connected to the non-binary community - i've cycled through far too many labels to count - and i feel like my experience is incredibly nuanced and just requires more reflection. but one thing i do know is that i do not relate to this binary womanhood that is supposed to be my reality.
notes: sylvia's sister, amélie, is only thirteen so naturally i didn't include this, but the low cuts and cleavage are supposed to represent the mild chest dysphoria i have from time to time, specifically on sylvia. yeah it sucks </3
also she's the only one without long nails because Those make me dysphoric too!
thank u for reading and enjoying my disorganized ocverse... ^^ <3
