No Rest for the Wicked

(✉️ ➡️ reficul ): don’t know any other way to live (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): /just/ admiration  (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): i suppose i could use that as bragging rights, you know, the devil admiring /me/  (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): what if i did something special?  (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): you know “the devil’s in the details”? 

(✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): yeah, yeah, yeah. you’re a special snowflake, everybody’s jealous. don’t you ever get tired? (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): sorry, we like to do more than take weird british dudes at their word these days (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): genghis khan was probably an asshole. and rasputin sounds like a boring prick (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): the unicorn thing is shit, though (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): sure they have. all the time. i’m an in demand kind of guy like that

          As far as news went, this was the Wedding of the Century. Rarely had there been anything good coming out of the Planet or the Bugle… Or, really, any paper out there. But, as much as Lois had forced him to, his note pad was hidden in the inner pocket of his suit coat, a couple of flutes of champagne occupying his super-strength and super-not-spilling-coordination instead. Weaving between the masses with his hulking form over-padded and slightly hunched to keep his identity secret, Clark was ready to drop one of the glasses before the similarly named frames on his face fell onto the floor.

          He’d been stopped in his tracks by… Someone. Ever the observant one, ever looking for a proper conversation before he had to tear the buttons off of another dress shirt and fly across the planet, he’d listened, maybe… A bit too intently. He caught eyes with the stranger, a brow raised over the slipping frames. “Oh… Uh, well, as far as I can see, this is… Pretty spectacular,” Clark chuckled, raising one full hand to push the frames up with the back of it, blinking against the thick lenses. “I mean, where I come from, you’re lucky if you land the chapel, sometimes my Ma and Pa would joke that they had to get one of the chickens ordained.”

//

Spectacular? Lucifer tried his hardest not to laugh. If the guy thought this wedding was spectacular, he would hate to see his idea of a boring one. "What? You have got to be kidding! Do you have any idea what a really wild party is like? I've seen funerals more lively than this wedding!" Not a lie; some royalty in the past had gone even more overboard on funerals than weddings. But even if no one else alive today had seen that sort of pageantry, Lucifer could not fathom anyone finding this spectacular.

Alright, maybe he could understand a little, after the explanation about where the guy came from. "Well that would make one fowl wedding," he remarked, chuckling at his joke, "Ok, maybe I can see how this would seem spectacular to you. But really, you need to see what a real party is like. Please come to my club sometime! Because I just don't feel right knowing that there's anyone out there who hasn't experienced a true party!"

(✉️ ➡️ unknown jammit.): aw, shock. (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): no, you know what? this is actually less of a headache than sending this message to the right person would have been. she would have made a thing about it. this is fine. everything is fine. […] (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): ok maybe everything is not fine (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): i didn’t /mean/ to ask you about it! clearly! i was trying to text my grandmother friend about it, and your number is one off from hers and it just. i don’t know! (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): don’t be weird. i’m begging you (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): the devil? (✉️ ➡️ jammit.): god. are you a cultist? how do i always end up talking to cultists. 

The wedding was big, largely because Danny had invited pretty much everyone he knew. He wanted to make sure everyone knew just how much he loved Colleen — just how much he loved his wife, and having as many people as possible present to witness the nuptials. What this meant was that it took him a moment to place some of the guests. The man in front of him now, for example, wasn’t someone he remembered. He watched him for a moment, wrinkling his nose when he mentioned an Uncle Albert. Danny approached the man with an uncertain smile, waiting for the stranger to notice him.

“Thanks,” he said, shaking the man’s hand. His smile faltered when he specified what he was congratulating, and his hand dropped back to his side. “My cousin did most of the work on that. I don’t really know much about that kind of thing. I’m really more excited about the marriage.” He made a face at the implication hanging in the man’s words, deciding to move passed it. “Uh, dad?”

//

"Well, I'll have to congratulate your cousin, then." Lucifer was perfectly willing to give credit to whoever had put together the drink selection; he had merely assumed it would be the groom. Because who would not want to indulge a good deal after tying the knot? Uh, apparently this guy. He was more excited about the marriage than the drink selection? Lucifer was so shocked he had to take a moment to process that, blinking in surprise before finally answering.

"Wow, Dad really would be thrilled with you. Are you seriously saying that you're excited about a lifetime of dull, matrimonial monogamy? Seriously?" He was hoping it was a joke, but this guy sounded completely serious. Lucifer was so amazed at that that he almost did not register the usual "Dad" inquiry. "Yes, Dad. Also known as God to you humans. And now I take back what I said. He wouldn't just approve--He would be bloody ecstatic about you getting hitched, considering you're sounding like the poster boy for marriage."

@fxllen-one

[📱to Clark ] another thing [📱to Unknown ] could i use the Fortress for– [DELETED] [📱to Unknown ] i was wondering if we could have the cerem– [DELETED] [📱to Unknown ] no, actually, i’d like to talk in person [📱to Unknown ] coffee?

[ text ] Beware the 7 deadly sins: cringe, horny, earnest, random, entrepreneur, in love, pissed. 

@fxllen-one

(✉️ ➡️ reficul ): you should have messaged me earlier  (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): i’ve already been all these things (✉️ ➡️ reficul ): do i win a prize? 

Things usually ran smoothly in the club, but every so often someone would screw up. Not Lucifer himself, of course! Never! But the few times the humans who worked for him made a mistake, he was not pleased. Case in point--one evening, he was passing by the bar when he saw the bartender pouring a glass of a less-than-top-shelf drink for one of the patrons.

"Ah! What are you doing!" he exclaimed as he came around behind the bar, "We do not serve that kind of swill in my club!" He shooed the man off, then turned back to the woman who had ordered the drink. "I am so sorry for that! Obviously the old adage about finding good help is true." He shook his head. "Please, let me get you something more fitting for my establishment. Do you want to stick with vodka? Or did you even order that in the first place? I wouldn’t be surprised if he screwed up your entire order!"

[ text ] Stop trying to figure me out. I don’t know either. // @fxllen-one

(✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): oh, so you’re saying you’re an enigma? (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): because newsflash buddy, everyone /says/ they’re an enigma (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): you gotta prove it (✉️ ➡️ some british club owner?): is there a small colony of people in north dakota who think you’re a forest nymph? were you once mistaken as bigfoot on the national news? did you accidentally start a widespread internet conspiracy theory about the loch ness monster’s dick? put in the work. you will see the results

Sharon snorted, most people weren’t like Colleen and Danny. They had family traditions and they saw excitement in the activities that this man was suggesting. “Wrong wedding for that,” Sharon offered. “Strippers are optional, I’m—I’m not even sure Danny had a traditional bachelor party. He’s not the type for that.” She might have still been finding her footing with her cousin, but there was a bashfulness—and an innocence that was hard to mistake. “And it’s throwing the garter—where did you go that the groom threw his pants?”

There was something morbidly comforting that she wasn’t the only one who thought some of the traditional activities at a wedding were ones that encourages people to watch the groom removing a piece of clothing from the bride and throwing it into the crowd—she didn’t understand bachelor parties much either, for the same reason. What was the point in partying with a bunch of strippers just before getting married? (Sharon, admittedly, was too jaded from her past experiences and her own strangled heart to think of how she’d have her wedding. Settling on the fact that she’d never get married. There was no appeal in it for her.) “I think the closest you’re going to get to people stripping, is throwing someone into the lake out back.”

//

So it was not bad enough that Lucifer was at any old human wedding--he had to be at an extra dull wedding. "How could he not have had a bachelor party? Bad enough to get married in the first place, but to tie the knot without a bachelor party is just sacrilege!" He would offer to rectify that after the reception, though that would probably be a waste of time. "Oh I've been to plenty of weddings where the groom throws his pants. Well, alright, maybe that happened after the reception, but still! Garter, pants, what's the difference? Someone's stripping, that's the important thing! But it seems like that's not going to happen here. It would be my luck to end up at the extra boring wedding!"

It was tempting to offer to lighten up said boring wedding, but he was not entirely sure this bunch would appreciate it. Granted Lucifer had seen some people actually partying, yet if the groom was not setting the partying example, that rather wrecked the whole thing from the start. "At least that would liven things up! I'll gladly hop in the lake myself if it'll make things pick up around here!"

@fxllen-one

(✉️ ➡️ memaw unknown): i need advice (✉️ ➡️ unknown): and i need you not to be shocking weird about it (✉️ ➡️ unknown): and i know! i’m going to the wrong person there! but tony would /definitely/ be weird, and lyla’s /always/ weird and talking to anyone else would be a whole thing so i just (✉️ ➡️ unknown): need you to not make it a thing! (✉️ ➡️ unknown): okay? okay. […] (✉️ ➡️ unknown): how do you talk about your feelings with someone. like, what do you do.

Humans always put on a good show, but Lucifer had seen much more of them than they would ever want to admit, in every sense of the word. And he could not help being amused by how proper and good they acted during occasions like this. "You have to love how everyone gets invited to the wedding and the reception, but not the really good stuff like the bachelor and bachelorette parties!" Lucifer commented to the guy next to him, "What, are they scared to show what they're really like?"

Lucifer did not know much about the bride and groom at this wedding, but he had heard that the guy was a rich businessman, which meant he had to have some equally rich business friends who would surely be in attendance. Sure enough, he eventually spotted none other than Bruce Wayne, and Lucifer's eyes lit up at the thought of getting on his good side.

"Mister Wayne, it is an honor!" he exclaimed as he approached Bruce, holding out his hand, "Lucifer Morningstar, I own a nightclub in the city, Lux Duo, and I would love to have a little chat with you, if you're amenable?"

Even if he was not running the party, Lucifer was always going to make bloody sure people were partying at a party. So he had been offering drinks to a good amount of people he came across, especially if they were currently not standing with anyone. (Whether they were actually there with someone else was irrelevant.) When he saw a woman by herself, he moved right in and held a glass of wine out to her. 

"Come on, it's a party! You should at least have a drink! I don't expect everyone to reach my level of fun, but I won't see anyone just standing there either!"

No matter how much Lucifer enjoyed the partying at a wedding, he was always going to end up critiquing as well. Mainly since no party ever compared to one of his, but also since he had been to his share of weddings over the centuries, and no matter how extravagant humans these days thought they were getting, they did not come close to some past ones.

"As weddings go, I suppose it's alright," he said, noticing that a guy was walking past him without looking at him, so naturally he wanted to draw attention to himself, "You should have seen Napoleon and Josephine's wedding! And I swear Henry the Eighth tried to top each previous wedding every single time. Really, people today need to step up their game!"

Alright, Lucifer may have been shaking the gift a little more than discreetly, but that was the only way to tell if there was something dull like a kitchen utensil inside. Why had humans ever thought giving household items was a good idea for wedding presents? Where was the lingerie and the racy gag gifts? Oh wait, that was what they had for the bachelor and bachelorette parties. Figures, they used all the good presents up already. 

Deciding that gift did not sound too boring, he set it down and reached for another one, but then he noticed someone was watching him. Lucifer did not think he was doing anything untoward, however, so he simply looked at the guy and said, "What? I'm doing an important public service here! No one should have to be forced to open boxes full of bloody kitchen utensils, so I am trying to spare the happy couple the agony! I'm sure they'll thank me profusely later."

One of Lucifer's many talents was always being able to appear important. He had been welcomed into the courts of kings, the offices of politicians, the sets of adult films...even houses of worship over the centuries. At weddings, people tended to think he was some well-dressed relative whose name they just could not recall. "Oh yes, absolutely! I'll tell Uncle Albert you're just dying to see his stamp collection," he said to whichever mortal had been asking him about his connection to the wedding party. They believed it, naturally, and he smiled as he turned and found himself face to face with the groom.

"Ah, congratulations my good man!" Lucifer exclaimed, reaching out to shake Danny's hand, "Congratulations on the drink selection, that is. Almost as good as I would stock at my club! Well done! Oh, and congrats on the marriage too. I'm sure you'll be 'loving and honoring' extremely well." He tried not to make a face at that, as well as when he added, "Dad would definitely approve that you put a ring on it."